My dd has been tricked into getting her friend's sister into trouble, more of a "What would you do?" really!

[onthepier]

My dd's friend came for a sleepover Friday night and was picked up yesterday. Now on Friday this friend's younger sister got into trouble at school. I can't go into why, but she got a severe ticking off from the teacher, I only knew about it because children in her class told her older sister, my dd's friend.

She was full of this the whole time she was here, dd's friend and because there's a bit of sibling rivalry between them anyway, really wanted her parents to know about it, and kept wondering if the school would have told them about it. Then she started asking me if she should tell her parents herself. I said firmly no, that if the school thought it was that serious they would be in touch with them. I said she shouldn't deliberately get her sister into trouble, and to keep quiet about it.

Unbeknown to me though, she spent a lot of the next day trying to persuade my dd to tell her parents when they picked her up, telling her they needed to know but she'd be in trouble if she told them, whereas my dd wouldn't. I thought something was up when dd's friend's parents picked her up yesterday afternoon as both girls were unusually quiet. Suddenly my dd blurted out, "X was in trouble at school yesterday, blah blah blah", and just told them the whole story! I was horrified and instantly told dd off for telling tales, the other mum said she didn't know what she could do about it now if it happened yesterday, and asked me if I knew anything! I said I'd advised her dd not to say anything but what annoyed me was dd's friend instantly saying "Oh no, I told you not to say anything!"

Now I did feel sorry for dd, she blushed and looked mortified, (she is the quieter out of the two girls and I do worry sometimes that she's too much under her friend's influence). As you can imagine it was very awkward and they left. We've punished dd by not letting her out with other friends today, harsh I know but this made her look so bad (whereas she really isn't), and I want her to learn that tale telling isn't on, even if she's been told to.

Thing is, should I phone the other parents and apologise for dd, letting them know that their daughter tricked her into telling, or am I overthinking this? I feel bad for the younger girl, prob in trouble this weekend because of my dd's inadvertent tale telling.

Forgot to add that the girls are 10 by the way!

I wouldn't call the other parents, too late really - would be OTT to get even more involved. But I would make sure dd understands that you are allowed to stand up to your friends and sometimes they are egging you on in order to avoid getting into trouble themselves.

She didn't trick her. She put pressure on her. And it wasn't inadvertent tale telling, it was tale telling. She didn't tell them thinking she wasn't telling them, which would be inadvertent.

I don't think any good would come of you telling tales too It wasn't my daughter's fault, your daughter tricked her - would make you sound foolish, tbh.

Far better, imo, to work with your daughter to help her develop the confidence to withstand pressure like this and to be able to stand up and say "No. Do it yourself."

Oh she was sneaky!...but as heQet said encourage your daughter to have the self confidence not to be used as a pawn in someone elses game..

Thanks for your replies, I'm not going to phone this girl's parents now, I agree that you can make a situation worse by getting even more involved! I'll leave things as they are. Yes my dd does need to develop more confidence, she's always so eager to please her friends that she doesn't always think things through!

You are overthinking. Kid's e? Just forget about it.

Why on earth are you punishing your daughter? She hasn't lied. You are teaching her that information should be witheld from parents if it will get the child in trouble...I hope that never comes back to bite you, it's a really bizarre philosophy.

You have seriously weird values.

No Abbierhodes, that's not the message I'm trying to imply to my daughter, or her friend! If I worked in the school and somebody asked me if the parents should be told about what their dd had done, I'd say yes, no doubt about it on this occasion. But her sister deliberately telling her parents so she gets into trouble? Well, I advised no, and tale telling on somebody else's child does look bad in whatever context it's done, which is why I was annoyed with my dd!

I wouldn't take it any further either. But I must admit, I'd be a bit dubious about encouraging friendship between your dd and this friend. she sounds like she is able to manipulate your dd, and I wouldn't like that. My dd (admittedly only 6) has a friend that I think is just a bit too domineering, blows hot and cold with dd etc, and I'm quietly watching how things develop= it's not a friendship I'm keen to encourage tbh. Just a thought