To having someone sit next to me on the train? [i know i am but im very :S about it]

[BritFish]

first of all, i know i'm being unreasonable, but i had a horrible experience a couple of months back that i was thinking about on the train today.

i was on a fairly empty train and a few people had got on, i hadnt bothered to move my bag because id judged there to be just enough seats, which there were, just.
this doddery old bloke comes up and asks me to move my bag so he can sit down. i thought fair enough, and just went back to my book.

needless to say, this old bloke started whispering awful sexual advances in my ear and letching down my top, and after the next stop loads of people got on so i was unable to move to even stand up without disturbing a group of ladies with their pushchairs

i had to squeeze past him as i got to my stop and he put his hand on my arse.

so now, i put my bag on the seat beside me and it bloody stays there.
the only people i will let sit down are people who ask me with a smile and look like they arent going to me to much bother.
pregnant women and students mostly!

im being very unreasonable i know, but would like to hear any other experiences so i can at least feel im not the only one being unreasonable and overly nervy!

britfish, i dont think it is rude if the carriage is empty or not very full, but if it is crowded then yes, move it or I would move it.

Regarding having the bag on the seat - you are opening yourself up to a confrontation with some passengers (not pervs obv!) but people who see the behaviour as very selfish because they don't understand the reason for it. Unless the train is significantly underoccupied, don't put your bag up - you may get into an argument with someone over it.

YABU
It would be much better to promise yourself that if this ever happens again you will deal with it in a more assertive manner.

Not letting anyone sit next to you is not a very proactive way of dealing with this

I dont understand why you just sat there and let this man harass you. Dont be such a wimp.

Why didnt you just tell him to F off the second he started, never mind waiting till the next stop.

If getting felt up on public transport, the best thing to do is grab their hand, hold it aloft and say very loudly "excuse me, have you lost something, because I just found this up my skirt."

Sorry Britfish but I think it's rude to wait until people ask. I would expect someone to move their bag if they saw me approaching

While I would always ask nicely, as I am normally a nice person, this shouldn't be a condition of your moving your bag. How 'nice is nice'? And would you really turn someone down who didn't ask 'nicely' enough? Unless you have paid for two seats in order that your bag can have one to itself, you have no rights over the seat. I'm afraid that I would just move it and put it in the overhead rack.

I had a horrendous experience on a bus in my teens, but it certainly has done made me a little more aware of my surroundings, but certainly hasn't given me claim over public property.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsher than it is intended, I spent years on a very busy commuter route and seats are close to my heart!

YUBU...if you refuse to let someone sit in the seat beside you because someone else said some lewd remarks. But if there are still some other empty seats on the train, I don't see anything wrong with your bag being on it.

My friend was standing on a packed train and a perv was rubbing against her, so she gave him a really hard jab with her umbrella as she got off. It had happened to her once before, and she was paralyzed sort of, by shock, even though she is usually an assertive person. She decided to take action if it happened again, which she did.

I remember once, travelling on the Northern Line, most bizarre experinence. I got on, there was one empty seat, so I sat in it. Train moves off, I realise the man opposite me is actually having an actual tommy tank, while staring at me. shudder

I was surrounded by passengers, he was sitting in between two men who were completely immersed in their newspapers bastards, everyone in the section knew what was happening - but nobody said anything.

As soon as the train stopped, I moved. Another woman got on, saw the empty seat, I tried to subtly signal her not to sit down but failed. Same thing happened again. And she reacted in the same way as me - NO idea what to do! I think if I had been alone with the complete twat filth perve, I would have been more likely to kick him inna fork challenge him - but the sheer weight of the "somebody else's problem" vibes coming from everyone else in the carriage made it so hard to do anything. I'm older and wiser now, but since then I have not hesitated to get off the train and move or wait for the next one if I feel uneasy at all.

i understand how you feel really, similar thing happend to me when i was about 12, since then when i get a train, i always soak the seat next to me with water, its horrid i know, and wrong, but the few times someone has sat next to me ive either had a panic attack or pass out.
it was a tip i got from another lady who was attacked on a train, and it works, i warn any one looking like they are going to sit there, ' oh sorry the seats soaking wet, i can't move over! .
YADNBU xxx

OTTMummA: I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience on a train but it is wholly unreasonable and mean to other train users to pour water over a seat to stop anyone else sitting down. Why don't you stand up or try and find a single flip up seat. Or even have some counselling to try to deal with it.

I've found its easier to give them the window seat then you can hang off the edge a bit and also get away without passing them

Soaking the seat is an awful thing to do. That seat will stay wet for a long time after you have finished your journey. Without meaning to sound awful why are your hang-ups more important than the rights of other passesngers to a seat that they have paid for?

I know 'hang-ups' sounds mean, but it is true to an extent. Everyone I know who commutes regularly has had horrible experiences on public transport that go far further than an old man whispering advances in your ear, if we all followed your examples there would never be an available seat. I recommend you try paying for two seats and explain that to other passengers who may be tired and want a seat.

If it is that much or a problem I would rethink public transport at busy times.

Hmmm. Nice attitude you have there Arcticfox.

Britfish, while I totally understand how you feel YABU to do that bag/seat thing on busy public transport, for the reasons that people have given above.

If you don't feel comfortable sitting next to someone it's fine to get up and move elsewhere. Sod what anyone else thinks, look after yourself.

Btw I am also of the opinion that it's fine to inflict some pain on men who indulge in this isort of creepy, nasty behaviour!

I always ask people to move their bag-you only pay for one seat.
It is a time to be more assertive-tell him in a loud, calm voice voice that you find him objectionable and give him the choice of moving or you will find the guard and make a formal complaint.

Soaking the seat is disgusting behaviour. If you are that upset you need treatment, or do not use public transport.

BTW, I am the LEAST assertive person on the whole...but I seem to take on an alternative persona when on public transport. On the occasions that I have had similar things happen to me (including one middle aged man's full on willy-in-hand w*anking session whilst staring at my teenage self) I have just said very loudly and very clearly..."Eeew how disgusting, you should be ashamed of yourself. Excuse me!" Whilst pushing my way past fairly aggressively so that no nearby passengers can be in any doubt about what is going on.

Again I apologise for sounding harsh, but you really need to take responsibility for yourself and get yourself out of these situations before they traumatise you to this extent. Why did you stay sat next to this man for so long OP?! It really isn't the fault nor the problem of the other passengers.

I have a brilliant detterant for people sitting next to me on the bus - A HUGE ARSE!!!

"I dont understand why you just sat there and let this man harass you. Dont be such a wimp"

so what? women who "allow" themselves to be raped? are they wimps too?

Perhaps the OP was mortified and frightened?

Its very easy after the event - but i was stuck on a train once when i was about 17, a big fat pig of a man went and sat in the next set of chairs, in my eyeshot, got his cock out and started wanking - i was horrified and believe me, im not the shy and retiring type - i but i just pretended not to see and got off at the next stop - i didn't shout at him or walk into the next carriage, becuause i was too mortified and scared.

ITs very easy to say what you would do in that situation but until you find yourself in such a position, don't castigate the OP for feeling the way she does.

FWIW, i do think you are leaving yourself wide open for abuse leaving your bag next to you, british people are well known for our absolute abhorrance of sitting next to - heaven forfend - a stranger! So people wont choose your seat if there are other seats available, they just wont - they will move on, i promise.

lucyellensmumma,

i know im being unreasonable, i know i am, and i do move it if they ask, and if there is anyone left standing up [er, except drunk/letchy people] i offer them the seat.

my friend has just made me giggle by revealing that after an uncomfortable experience years ago, she bought an extra seat on her [extremely cheap] train journey.
now, i know that is unreasonable, but it did make me laugh.

either that or go and sit in the first class bit, thats always empty and i think you are entitled to sit there if the rest of the train is full - of course, it wont stop the pervs but at least it will be a better class of perv just teasing. dont beat yourself up over it, only you know how you feel and if you don't feel safe then you are entitled to take whatever action you need to keep yourself so.

I'm not surprised that your horrible experience put you off having anyone next to you. Tis a bit YABU not to move the bag - but then again I'm old enough to remember that Ben Elton 'spare seat' sketch (for the benefit of youngsters, he was voicing the unspoken desire of us all that no one sits in the seat next to us on the train) - and sympathise.

Lucyellensmama - did this happen to you in the days before camera phones? Because that's what I'd be tempted to do if someone tried that on me...

Might have been suggested before but...

My mum told me that if anyone puts their hand on your arse who shouldn't one way to deal with it is to grab the hand tightly, hold it up in the air and say very loudly 'Has anyone here lost this hand because I just found it on my arse'