To want DH to 'think' about doing things in the house

[mummyflood]

Don't know if IABU in wanting DH to do a few things in the house to 'contribute to the partnership', IYSWIM.

Sitution is; he works, approx 35hrs p/w, driving job - couple of hours in the morning, another couple at teatime, mon-fri then Fri approx 8hrs pm and the same Sat. I am SAHM at the moment, about to start a p/t job mon-fri. Have had several p/t jobs since kids, varying number of hours. 2 teenage DC's.

He does absolutely nothing in the house unless I ask him - eg I might ask him to empty the bins, pick up the dog poo from the grass, load the dishwasher, or similar jobs. I don't ask or expect him to do anything bigger such as ironing, washing, make beds, cook a big meal, etc. When I ask, he is known to either leave it for a few hours/until the following day, or do it badly. Eg, today I cleared the grass of dog s*t, and said 'can we please take it in turns to clear this up?' not sarky or confrontational. His response was 'yes, you do it this year and I'll do it next'. A while later I was sat watching tv, and as he was passing he said 'cheer up, you've got the dog s*t to clear up tommorrow' and laughed. I then said 'whose turn is it to do the dishwasher', his response was 'I did it badly yesterday, so DS2 can do it', got up, tapped DS2 on the leg and said 'don't forget to do the dishwasher', and cleared off upstairs on the computer.

AIBU to be irritated that he never thinks or volunteers to do even the smallest job just because he is the other adult in the house IYSWIM - he even gets one of the DC's to make him cups of tea now. They do quite a few things round the house btw. He is under the impression that because only he works and earns the money at the moment, absolutely everything house-related is down to me. Even when I have worked, there is no great contribution from him, again he has to be asked. I feel as though I am doing all the thinking for 3 other people, but is this unreasonable of me and am I being unfair to him?

If you add up all the hours you do all the housework and compare it to all the hours he does working, is it fair?

god,i'd do it myself...well,i do anyway as a lone parent! my dc help too wit smaller stuff

all chores should be shared equally, even if he is working, thats no excuse imo, im sure if he was single he would have to clean his own home woudln't he?!
i don't mean he has to cook after work or anything big, and yes i think you should expect to do the lions share.

however, your children ( the teenagers ) also need to help out, they will not get a free ride from chores when they leave home, and in this way everything seems fair..

my mum was a sahm but we had a rota, my mum never washed up after dinner as she had cooked it all for us, ( and i think its rude to let the cook wash up tbh) so from the age of 10 we all took turns to help out, and my step dad did it at the weekends.

there is no reason the chores can't be shared out to all of you. its basic taking responsability and respecting your home.

tell him and your DC to pick 3 things ( from a list of chores you make ) each and tell them to pick a day or make it daily etc.

this is fair, just because your a sahm doesn't mean your the house slave!

oh and even my disabled brother used to stack items to be put away and feed the cat, and dust/polish, so there really is no excuse.

YANBU. He is being an ass.

Just because he works full time doesn't mean that he is incapable of doing a few small things, like the dog crap and dishwasher. At least he isn't washing the dishes. His attitude is pretty appalling too. What he said about picking up the dog poo each year! That would have really annoyed me.

My DH works full time and I am a SAHM (although I do have M.E. and need some help around the house) I refuse to do every little thing. I do pick after DH most of the time as he just dumps stuff everywhere but it does piss me off a lot. I do the cooking, washing, most of the child care, changing beds, all the main stuff but DH does do the dished every day (I can't stand them, it makes my hands hurt and we have no room for a dishwasher), bath DS and get him ready for bed.

Men are not totally incapable of doing nothing in the house just because they work (although my nan and step grandad are horrified if I mention DH doing something at home as its 'my job').

He sounds like a bit of a twit!

Is he nice of just a selfish oaf?

He's being a nobber, although I did lol at the "you do it this year" gag.

As far as I'm concerned, when DH gets home from work we should split chores 50/50 and he's pretty good about it. I do wish he'd just know what to do without me telling him though.

Actually, I should add that I'm a SAHM with two pre-schoolers and a small baby, so I am reaaally busy during the day. I genuinely don't know how that compares to working p/t and having teenage DCs. I'd like to think that when the DCs are all at school I'd be able to get all the housework and other chores done (plus have a p/t job....too optimistic??).

I think its fair enough that he does little things but as you are at home at the moment with no small children I do think the majority of the chores should be done by you. And if he was at home and you were working exactly the same rules would apply.

BUT he needs to know his 'free ride' will change when you start working outsid ethe home.

Agree with cyb there - my dh has no idea how to operate a washing machine; it is his problem more than mine. However, he always does the washing up, cooks a couple of times a week or takes us out for nice meals, does a lot of DIY (well, deals with all the emergencies and then spurts of activity re bigger jobs) and buys emergency stuff from the shops. I do all of the childcare, school runs, home education (well, to compensate for rubbishy schools). I deal with all the bills, main shopping and all other admin.

my DH is an Only child, and i can feel your pain, i had to start a housekeeping college when we got together! he had no idea how to do anything!
i would leave the empty dishwasher open and he would leave stuff on the side?>! wtf?!!

he didn't even know not to mix colours in a wash
he didn't know what toilet bleach was ( no im not kidding )
he thought laundry tablets went in the dishwasher!
he used to just throw the just washed clothes on the raidiators, all scrumpled up

there is a long list for sure, but he has learnt, he now does the weekend loads of washing, hoovers every now and then and takes out the rubbish, he is even now a washing powder snob lol.
and for valentines day he made me tuna pasta bake, - that is the only meal he can cook btw, but he tries!

OTT what's your DH's laziness an inability got to do with him being an only child? Do you think it is relevant?

I think most people are lazy if they can get away with it. But, now that you are starting work - this is a good time to sit down and work out a rota or system whereby you all chip in.

I bet, he is not even aware of half the tasks you do, and if you've always done the lion share of the housework, and probably his mother did too, then why would he know? So, sit down (alone) and work out exactly what you do (and what he or anyone else who does anything) and how long these chores take. Remember to be fair to anything he does, like the gardening, so he doesn't feel ganged up against.

Once you have it on paper, and it is there in black and white exactly how much you do, it is harder to deny, and easier for him to chip in more. Also, give some chores to your teens.

I do this regularly with my hubby, and it works - usually because it is not me having a go, or slating him, but when my hours are increased, we sit down and look at the chores we both have and agree a list of who does what. Usually, he gets to pick an extra chore from my list to take on, so that our work and chores are balanced. That said, Dh does his chores, what is expected of him, but he never helps me with mine... so having clear expectations of what he needs to do helps because then I don't need to nag him iyswim!

The other thing, is to make it clear that you are asking for more help, rather than having a go about his lack of help. I find I get much further that way!

I'd say best thing is to sit him down and say "the kids need to help out around the house, and the best approach for this is to do a rota, and both of us (meaning you and DH) need to be doing household stuff on it as well, so that it sets a good example for them." Then choose a number of jobs you would like him to do and ask him to choose say 3 or 4 of them for his particular regular jobs about the house. Then allocate the rest, write it up, and post it on the fridge. Make sure to point it out to the kids as well.

DH works full time, but he also helps raise our 6 month old and 3 year old, takes turns cooking/making meals (breakfast and supper mainly), washing up, hoovering, sweeping, laundry, general picking up. Taking out the rubbish/recycling and most of the garden work are his jobs alone - by his choice.

he is being an arse. Sorry.

I know what its like. i used to be married to one.

he used to finish work on a wed lunch time, and friday lunch time. he also used to get random whole weeks off. ( forces)

when i worked full time, and actually more hours than him, he never lifted a finger. I used to get home about 2 to 3 hours later than him anyway. Used to come home to find him laying on the sofa with a beer.

I did literally everything, if i asked he got angry with me.

Except i think he cleaned the oven once...... and maybe tidyed a cupboard.

im a lone parent, so i do it all myself now anyway. tbh, its not much different to when i was married in that respect.

Tell him hes a grown up and to pull his own weight. you are not his mother.

He sounds like an arse, but at least he's an arse with a job.

As a SAHM with older kids, your job involves running a home.

If you've spent the day working at home and there are additional jobs that need to be done once he (and the kids) gets in, then he (and them) should pull his weight.

Otherwise, I'd agree it's a question of both of you spending similar amounts of time on your respective jobs and having similar amounts of 'time off'.

What's really bad is the example he's setting to your kids - that's no way to behave around you or them. I'd say this was a bigger problem than who does the dishwasher.

I think the rota idea is good - where you're clear how much work you're doing around the place and they are all given specific tasks that they take care of. This'll also bring things home much more clearly once you start working as their share will go up!

Good luck!

Thanks, guys. After the first couple of replies I thought I was in for a flaming - I could have taken it because I honestly wondered if it was all in my head.

AmesBS7 - you amongst others have nailed it re; the example side of things - that's the thought which niggles in my head. I know it's not as though I haven't the time to do everything, but it wouldn't kill him to think about emptying a full bin as he passes it, shifting his used tea mug, putting a few pots in the dishwasher, etc. etc, just to basically show us all a bit of respect, and to show the kids that picking up after yourself is good manners if nothing else.

I agree totally that it's up to me to do the lions share when I am not working or working p/t and he does full-time hours although split up through the day. I do enjoy 'looking after them all', and take a lot of satisfaction from what I do as a wife & Mum, but I think in return a bit of respect is all I would like. I feel the kids do quite a lot, eg own beds, hoovering & cleaning own rooms, dog walking, dishwasher fill & empty, and anything else I may ask (DC2 regularly asks if there is anything he can do, DC1 does not, but he has GCSE's this year, and two evenings at Cadets) By some people's standards they could probably do a lot more, but again, I would like to see DH setting an example instead of 'armchair dictating' as he does sometimes.