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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in regards to access

19 replies

spookycharlotte121 · 27/02/2010 14:51

Exp normally has contact with the dcs on a sunday (which I ensure is kept free for him to see them) and if he wishes to see them else where in the week that is fine too but it has to fit around what we are doing.
We have just spent a week away having a much needed holiday and as a result the Dc's have missed nursery.
Exp wants to have the children on monday instead of sunday this week as he is helping someone move on sunday. He has only just informed me of this. Ds has nursery in the afternoon and he is insisting that he misses it, saying that he has already missed a week so one more day isnt going to matter but Im not happy about it.
For starters I gave the nursery a good few weeks warning that ds was going to be absent and also his afternoon sessions are free and I worry that if he just skips them willy nilly to see his dad then he will lose the place which would be a real massive loss to both him and me.
Im also quite cross that he has offered to help a friend when he knows he see's the children that day and only bothered to tell me now even though he must have known prior to this. Had he told me in advance then i might have been a little more happy about changing the normal arrangements.

I think he should either see them on his set day or when it fits in with what we are doing.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GibbonInARibbon · 27/02/2010 14:57

Is it rare for him to miss a Sunday like this?

TBH, I would let him see DS on the Monday. It's not like he is missing school. I understand your frustration with the lack of notice though.

twotimes · 27/02/2010 14:59

I don't think it's fair that it has to fit in with what you're doing, unless you mean specifically what the dc's are doing. Regards nursery, I don't think nursery will mind if he just misses one more day, and after all, you did set the precedent by taking two weeks off, where I'm guessing your exp didn't get to see the kids. Have you just come back? If so, when would he have time to tell you that he was helping a friend move. I don't think he is being unreasonable tbh but I also I don't think you are.

How about meeting in the middle, would he be able to have him in sunday evening and then take them into nursery the next afternoon, or pick up from nursery and bring back the next day?

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/02/2010 15:02

yes. He reguarly cuts contact short so he can get back to the pub/home to watch the football.

It annoys me because if I have ever had to change the arrangements for a sunday then I have always given him a good warning at least a week in advance.

Im really not happy about ds missing nursery. Whilst the holiday was just what we need the routine went out the window and the kids sleep has followed suit. Ds loves nursery too and its seems unfair that he should miss it because his dad thinks helping someone move is more important than seeing the kids.

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 27/02/2010 15:04

you have to let the small things go im afraid, yes he is being rude and presumptious, and a bit out of order in his priorities, however its your son that will pay in the end.

just let him see him, make sure he knows this is a one off and that it won't be a regluar thing he can do as its not good for DC,

be thankfull he wants to see his children, and bite your tounge from lashing him too much, it won't do any good will it??

pithyslicker · 27/02/2010 15:05

I think the children seeing their Dad is the priority, however it is done.

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GibbonInARibbon · 27/02/2010 15:07

I just think you have to think of DS here and put your own frustrations aside. Hard I know, but at the end of the day DS seeing his dad is the most important thing.

nannynobnobs · 27/02/2010 15:07

Offer him either sunday or monday morning, but say nursery will be on as usual. My DD2 has just gone back to nursery after half term off and was desperate to go back and see her friends. Surely if a friend said "can you help me move next sunday?" his first response shouldn't be "Of course" but "Hang, on, I usually have my DS- I'll see if we can rearrange, but if not then no can do, sorry".

nancydrewrocks · 27/02/2010 15:07

YABU - surely it is more important that the DC see their dad rather than attend nursery? I agree the other matters are frustrating but trivial in comparison to the actua contact happening.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/02/2010 15:09

twotimes we only went to centre parcs so it was a monday to friday thing and didnt effect his access.

exp has to have supervised access because of previous "incidents" so having them overnight etc isnt an option and whilst I would be happy for him to take/collect them from nursery (bringing them back to mine) its pointless even suggesting it..... he wont.

OP posts:

jellybeans · 27/02/2010 15:10

I would be flexible and let him have the DCs on the Monday and keep DS off nursery. You may need the flexibility yourself at some point. Yes it sucks the way he has gone about it, but the kids still need to spend time with him and it is better to keep civil. I would stress to him that he can't keep chopping and changing though as it makes things very difficult.

twotimes · 27/02/2010 15:13

oh ok then spooky, I see why you're pissed then, that is quite shit! I would maybe say this once, but make it quite plain that you won't be taking dc's out of nursery again for him.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/02/2010 15:14

I agree that them seeing their dad is more important than attending nursery but its so irritating. This isnt a one off.... it happens all the time that he cancles sunday at the last minuet and then wants everything his own way for contact another.

OP posts:

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/02/2010 15:16

should also add that he wont do anything with them that is benefitial. he just sits there on his phone txting his gf/mates or playing games. there is very little interaction.... I kinda feel like im stopping ds from going to nursery so tht he can sit and watch a dvd whilst his dad is in the same room.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 27/02/2010 15:17

Who supervises?

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/02/2010 15:25

usually me.... in short he had them overnight and took drugs/got drunk whilst they were in his care.
I dont trust him with them so I told him untill I do he has to see them at my flat or his gfs or his sisters with someone else present. He usually sees them at mine because its easiest.

Its "unofficial" but considering he usually puts up a fight with everything we try to discuss he agreed to this no questions asked.

OP posts:

StrictlyKatty · 27/02/2010 15:26

So they can miss a week when you say but not an afternoon when their Father says so?

He's helping someone move which is a nice thing to do. He would still like to see his children and a small child who's missed a week already is really not going to be scarred for life if he missed an afternoon.

GypsyMoth · 27/02/2010 18:27

thing is with access like this,its very easy to unwittingly set a precedent. do it once and it will be expected each time

also,this access in your home with you supervising....its always going to give the impression that as you're there anyway,then he can be too...whenever he chooses.

think long term charlotte....think of either of you having new partners,think of trade offs (mothers day,fathers day,easter)and think of as dc get older they might want to go to friends etc...

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