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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and have I overstepped the mark giving advice to my cousin?

9 replies

Coldhands · 26/02/2010 10:04

I started a thread a little while ago about my aunt letting her DDs BF stay over (they are 15 and she is very young for her age and naive). Shes always made little comments etc that have made most of the family think she is actually hoping her DD will get pregnant just so she can have some dramma to thrive on.

My cousin messaged me on FB last night as I had sent her a message. She said she thought she might be pregnant but her mum wouldn't let her go to the doctors. She said she is on the pill and has been taking it. I am assuming that her mum got her put on the pill so at least she is showing some intelligence.

I told my cousin that she doesn't need her mum to know if she wants to go to the doctors and they are not allowed to tell her mum anything she does go for. I also asked her if there is a school nurse she could speak to. I also asked her how long she has been on the pill for and when her last period was.

She came back and said she is on her second pack on the pill and she had a period either last week or the week before. Now I am thinking that she is probably not pregnant and it is her way of telling me she has had sex. She is also a bit like her mum for creating a bit of drama.

I just advised her that if she is worried there are people she can talk to in confidence and maybe the implant maybe a better form of contraception for the time being as she says she doesnt want to get pregnant (while also saying that she wants a baby ).

I am slightly worried that she is going to tell her mum what I have said as she does tell her a lot. Her mum will not thank me for this as she has a bit of a chip on her shoulder when it comes to her DD looking up to me. Its ok with another cousin who is a really horrible bitch and most of our family can't stand her but she really resents it if her DD looks up to me for some reason.

Did I overstep the mark in the advice I gave to my cousin? I am thinking there was nothing wrong with what I said but her mum may feel differently.

OP posts:
blonde36er · 26/02/2010 10:11

YANBU - you seem to have given sensible advice and it's better that someone gives her that than nothing at all!

Her mother howver, IBU in letting her 15 year old daughter's boyfriend stay overnight (if they are indeed sleeping together)...is she not aware that the legal age of consent is 16?

duchesse · 26/02/2010 10:11

I think that if the child is not able to get adequate information from her mother, and looks to you as a strong older female figure instead, then you must counsel her the best you can, whilst also making her aware of the formal channels where she can get information- FP clinics, GP etc... I feel quite sorry for this girl- she sounds as though she is getting really mixed messages from her mother. Of course she does not want to get pregnant at 15!! It's madness, and she knows it- her mother is not underlining that enough by the sounds of it. She may have a yen for something to love and be loved by, but that makes it all the more urgent to get her some form of decent contraception. She may need parental consent for the implant however- you may need to investigate that. Either way, I think since she is turning to you, you must help her stay child-free until she has finished her education. Frankly if her mother is as difficult you say she is, then sod her feelings. It won't be her life that ends up more difficult from having a baby too young.

cakeywakey · 26/02/2010 10:17

She asked you for advice and you gave it to her, you definitely didn't overstep the mark. She's very lucky to have you to talk to about this kind of thing, as it sounds like she's getting strange messages from her Mum about it, who is acting very strangely from what you post.

Gubbins · 26/02/2010 10:21

It sounds like she asked you for advice, so of course you were not unreasonable in giving it.

But if it is you that she is coming to I think you should talk to her about the need for barrier contraception. Pregnancy isn't the worst consequence of unprotected sex and neither the pil or implant will protect her from STDs.

Original poster
Coldhands · 26/02/2010 10:25

I have talked to her about the STDs before (and I mentioned it into an email to her mum, who said she has told her DD, she does give very mixed messages!)

I did remind my cousin again last night and also pointed out that I know friends who have been caught out by STDs that you have no idea if you have them or not.

OP posts:
Casmama · 26/02/2010 10:29

YANBU - sounds like the implant would be a good idea. If she tells her mum I would just say that you would have thought she would welcome any suppport if it meant her 15 year old daughter not getting pregnant.

Original poster
Coldhands · 26/02/2010 14:35

Thats a good idea Casmama

If she does say anything to me (although she may just bitch behind my back and I find out through other channels) that is definately what I will say.

I get on with my aunt when she isn't being 'off' with me but the woman really can be a total idiot!

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 26/02/2010 14:50

I think you're doing the right thing.

Original poster
Coldhands · 26/02/2010 19:50

My cousin has just sent me a message thanking me for the advice so I know I did the right thing.

OP posts:
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