to have told my brother about my nieces inappropriate FB page

[asteri]

Basically I have always been close with my niece we used to have a very good relationship and when I moved away it was quite hard for me as I missed her a lot. We kept in touch using Facebook (I know its the work of the devil). Now, sice she has become a teenager she has become like a completely different person. A few months ago she posted quite a suggestive picture of herself on there as her profile pic, and I told her that as she has no privacy settings set (again, I know)I suggested she take it down and told her why I thought it was inappropriate, she took it down (after called me old fashioned/boring etc etc), there have also been incidents of her bashing my brother on there (ie my dad can be such a tosser at times blah blah, my dad has let me down AGAIN, what a d++k- this last one was in reference to her dad reorganising a bowling game from a Friday night to a saturday night as he was stuck in traffic on his way back from working in Manchester about 140 miles from home) Most of these things I put down to being a stroppy teenager, however, last friday she placed another suggestive pic as her profile pic and changed her name to "jane 'tart' smith"* and there were loads of comments on there from her friends and from her about it. I sent her a mesage saying that I understand that she is 14 and wants a bit of freedom to say and do what she pleases, however I did not think that what she was broadcasting on her page was appropriate and so being privy to that side of her makes me uncomfortable and so I have removed her from my friends list. I then called my brother to explain my concerns as I dont think she realises that without any privacy settings, anyone can see this and she is a bright girl who can be nice when she wants to be (lol) and I dont want her to be seen/judged in this way.

*name changed

It's difficult, many many teens seem to go through this, my nephews and nieces are right now, and yes it makes me cringe when I inadvertently read banter between them and their friends full of swearing and sexual innuendo, and some of the pictures are a bit suggestive, but I try not to say anything because they aren't bad kids and I'd rather be able to keep an eye on them and keep their mothers quietly informed than to have a go at them for swearing etc and have them block me.

I think that as their aunty it can be nice to start giving them a little leeway to talk naturally and be themselves anyway (different issue for their actual parent, not something i know about, I only have a toddler) that way if they ever did need to talk they know they can confide in you.

I did have a quiet word with one of their mums recently after someone wrote that my 14 year old nephew and his gf had "gone off for a shag in the bushes" just to give her a heads up about such things, but it turned out to be a load of rubbish anyway.

I think you were right to talk to her about the privacy settings, makes me shudder when they have it set to public, and have their address and telephone numbers on there. They're daft!

i think its a teen thing and you should leave well alone!

i have 2 teenage dd's so un derstand what you're saying....but fb is FULL of this stuff

and i think you did wrong thing removing her from friends list too....sorry

ThreeBlondeBoys, you dont have to apologise for your opinion, everyone is entitled to their own.
I mean, its not just the innuendo and the suggestive pictures (one of them was shocking) its that she's just so horrible to people too and I don't want to think of her that way iyswim so I decided it would be best to remove her from my list and outline the reasons why and explain that I do love her, I just think being FB friends is a bad idea than to keep seeing these things.

I think you did exactly the right thing in removing her from your friends list. I ma on FB too and some of the stuff on there really gets to me and I can't really get away with deleting who I want to without it becoming a major issue so I just ignore that person now. My brothers post stuff but they are nearing 20 so I just laugh. I would be concerned about a 14 year old but you did the right thing.

My DHs cousin is on FB and she used to say all sorts about her dad. DHs sister told her she should move out (yeah, great advice SIL), then cousins dad joined facebook and saw what people had put (including me but I was giving her good advice but he still didn't like it). Cousin had to delete everything from her page and she hardly writes anything anymore. I think it is a shame that she can't express herself anymore for fear of her dad seeing it. (She is older than your niece btw).

i have my dd's as my friends,and their friends have added me too....why they do that i dont know!! but i enjoy reading what they've been up to!

i'm not very active on there so i think they might forget i'm there! but i do find out an awful lot about their lives,which is why i thought it a mistake for you to delete her completely.....you could just have hidden her...didnt know myself til recently that you can 'hide' people but keep them on your list still

nothing wrong with telling your brother at all.

i avoid facebook as really it is like overhearing all the ridiculous conversations we all had at that age and seeing the ridiculous behaviour.

both my girls have privacy settings although to be fair they have so many friends it may as well be the entire population.

i do however have my very sensible grown up neice and nephews ( in their 20s) who will tell me if there is anything to worry about.

I'd have kept her as my friend, and would have said something to her along the lines of wishing she thought might highly of herself as the gorgeous, intelligent, sparky girl she is and that I wished her profile picture reflected that rather than having a picture that might lead people to think she only has her body to offer... something along those lines.

But I'd definitely have kept her as my friend on there. My Neice is on FB too and some of her comments and her friends' comments are just horrible. She has quite low self esteem as her Mum, my step sis, has always compared her unfavourably to her other daughter... at least I can leave little messages now and then to counteract the overwhelmingly negative stuff that seems to get said to and by her.

Oh, your brother. I might have told him. If I thought she was in any real danger I definitely would have done.

in 10 yrs she will realise what bloody fool she was!
YANBU to do what you did, i would do the same especially as she is under 16.
suggestive sexual pictures of a young teenager are just wrong, even if they are done with a carefree attitude, if she done that when i was at school she would have a bad reputation as a slag! its not funny really.

well, think yourself lucky - my daughter was posting comments about the calorific content of semen the other day - she is 19 mind, and just joined weight watchers - to be fair, it was in response to what one of her friends said - i just posted "wash your mouth out" no pun intended, i think it reminded her that her mum was not wanting to share that sort of joke with her DD and she removed it.

Thing is, we think we have a handle on it, but it doesn't stop at FB, theres bebo, msn and myspace and gawd knows what else.

I would have been inclined to not have removed her so you could keep half an eye on what is being said, however i think you just have to accept that teenage girls are wanting to experiment with their sexuality in terms of sexy pictures etc, i don't think there is too much harm in it so long as she wasn't naked obviously - the key with FB is never post anything you don't want your mother to read! Of course what she is being niave about is the sort of people who might be reading it, its innocent of her and of her friends, as i said, experimentation - i think the issue is her privacy settings which she can set to private so only her friends can see - that shouldnt be a problem should it?

I think at 14 you did the right thing. There have been times when I have contacted one or the other of my nieces about something they had said on Facebook and I thought maybe it would be a good idea to check on them, but as they are all 16+ now I spoke with them directly.

It can be tricky being an aunty sometimes. I am closer in age to many of my nieces than I am to two of my sisters/brother so they sometimes forget that I am not one of "them" if that makes any sense.

I had to hide my younger brother from my feed because some of the stuff he was posting was just too much for me. He is still on my friend's list but hiding him means I don't have to see it when I log on and I just don't go to his page at all.

I think you were right to tell your brother, but I think it may have been safer for her for you to keep her as a FB friend.
One of my best friends has a daughter, 13 (I'll call her Jane), who is good friends with my daughter (14)I'll call her DD1. they are both on FB and I am friends with them both. Her mum, my friend, is not on FB as she thinks it's rubbish kids stuff. She's a bit disparaging that I'm on there.

Some of the stuff Jane posts I am really suprised at. In real life she's a very polite, timid child, rather trodden down by mum. On FB she talks endlessly about boys she loves/ fantasises about etc and joins all those stupid groups the teens love so much. There's not a day I don't log on and read "Jane DD1's Friend has joined the group MY MOTHER IS A F*G TOSSER" or similar. My own DD joins ridiculous groups too, but nothing quite so extreme, flirtatious or venomous as Jane does.

So far I have said nothing to no one. I know if I told her mother at this juncture I would be immediately removed as a friend and then she would be in far more danger. I've never yet seen anything on there to suggest she's putting herself in real danger, just mild flirtation and stupid teenage stuff. So I just visit her farmville farm and say absolutely nothing. But at least if she ever puts naked pictures of herself up there and arranges to meet a man she's never met before, I will be in a position to alert her mother about it.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all to tell your brother, but if it were me I'd rather be her friend and know what she was up to, for her own safety.

asteri I have my 15 yr dd and alot of her friends, (boys and girls) as my friends on my facebook, and i use it to keep in touch with them in a cool kind of way.

Yes alot of the pictures have young scantily clad girls posing in what they think is a provocative manner but they're all doing it and they're all the same.It's fairly innocent if a little naive imo. I have asked my dd to take certain pictures off and obviously she has done so.

I have to say i do use it to keep a check on how they are feeling too, you can pick up alot from one status of a teenager and if i think they're worried about something i'll message them and ask if they're ok. My friend's dd talks to me alot and she says she feels embarrassed talking to her mum, I do encourage her to talk to her mum and reassure her that her mum is not the enemy, and obviously if i was worried about anything more serious than the normal teenage angst I'd tell her mum myself. What i'm trying to say is that keeping your niece as your friend helps you keep a bit of an eye on here life.

Of course you can have alot of fun with teenagers on facebook too, my friends have great fum with my dd too. They're great on the whole, remember they have no cares or worries and it's refreshing to see sometimes.