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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to FILs party.

31 replies

Coldhands · 25/02/2010 09:39

Ok, I know I am BU.

Its my (step) FILs 60th party this year. It is fancy dress which is going to require spending bloody money to get something to wear for 1 night. It is also my best friends 30th in the same week which means celebrating on the same weekend as FILs party!

Agghhhhhhh. I know I have to go to FILs party but I would so rather go out with my friends. Its not fair! AIBU?

OP posts:
lindy100 · 25/02/2010 09:41

Yes.

It's not fair?

Grow up.

Original poster
Coldhands · 25/02/2010 09:45

You don't have to be rude ffs.

OP posts:
diddl · 25/02/2010 09:47

Well, as a rule I would say that parents come before friends.

Unless you´re not close or they won´t care if you´re not there.

LaDiDaDi · 25/02/2010 09:48

YANBU to not want to go to his party but you would BU if you actually didn't attend.

Original poster
Coldhands · 25/02/2010 09:49

I know, I can't not go. Just wanted a moan. No way I can get away with not going. Gotta trawl ebay for something to wear now.

OP posts:
AccioPinotGrigio · 25/02/2010 09:50

Bummer.

Fancy dress doesn't have to cost a lot though. I have a ratty black wig which I regularly lend to people who go to parties as Amy Winehouse - just the wig and their own clothes and a shit load of black eyeliner.

Also, lots of green balloons stuck to ya - you're a bunch of grapes.

Original poster
Coldhands · 25/02/2010 09:52

"Also, lots of green balloons stuck to ya - you're a bunch of grapes." Thats so funny, have you ever actually done that?

Its a 60s theme so quite specific, don't think the grapes will work.

OP posts:
runnybottom · 25/02/2010 10:11

Why do you have to go? Will he give a flying shite if you don't?

I don't understand all these threads about having to attend parties/weddings/dinners etc. I am the only one who only wants people at my event that want to be there and would enjoy it? Or do people generally insist on having guests that would rather be somewhere else?

Jux · 25/02/2010 10:23

Mini skirt. You're done.

SawneyBeane · 25/02/2010 10:25

They did have grapes in the 60's, so you should be fine.

AccioPinotGrigio · 25/02/2010 10:30

I have seen it done. I have also seen the poor guy wearing it getting attacked at the end of the night with a pin. Very funny.

60's theme is good and can be done quite cheaply. I have some paraphernalia somewhere - a hippy wig, a peace symbol on a long silver chain and a comedy spliff. It's just cluttering up my house and I would be happy to post it to you for nowt on the understanding that you one day pass it on to others in need of fancy dress assistance.

Let me know and I will dig it out.

Triggles · 25/02/2010 10:46

I would trade places in a heartbeat. My FIL died last March, and I would give almost anything to be able to have him here and have a birthday party for him this year. Count your blessings. They're not on this earth forever.

BelaLugosiNoir · 25/02/2010 11:46

You are not related. He is your step FIL and I don't see why you need to be there. Do you invite him to your birthday party and expect them to attend.

triggles - clearly you had a close relationship with your FIL but not everyone does have the same bond.
If we take that reasoning to it's logical conclusion we would have never get upset or cross with anyone, ever because they might die immediately afterwards. That's not realistic.

swanandduck · 25/02/2010 12:58

Why do you have to go? Will he give a flying shite if you don't?

I don't understand all these threads about having to attend parties/weddings/dinners etc. I am the only one who only wants people at my event that want to be there and would enjoy it? Or do people generally insist on having guests that would rather be somewhere else?

Because some people want to be nice, considerate and not hurt people's feelings, which is what the OP is doing. You need to grow up imho.

ClaraJo · 25/02/2010 14:58

I do feel it's a bit harsh telling people to "grow up" just because they don't want to attend a social event. I dread parties or big social events of any kind. I once spent 2 hours in the loo so that I didn't have to interact with anybody. The way I tend to get round it is to take photos of people so that nobody realises I'm not actually having conversations with anybody. I've done it for years, and nobody's cottoned on yet.

swanandduck · 25/02/2010 15:01

ClaraJo

That wasn't aimed at people who are shy or feel uncomfortable at social events.

I was talking about people who just feel 'why should I go if I don't want to' even if it means hurting the feelings of a close friend or elderly relative which was the tone I picked up from the post I was replying to.

Like you, I hate parties and I tend to spend a lot of time in the kitchen 'helping' with the food etc.

Original poster
Coldhands · 25/02/2010 15:14

My DH will definately not be happy if I don't go, neither would his mum. When I told him about the birthdays clashing, he said "well you have to miss 'best friends' then don't you." The only way I could not go is if we had no babysitter, then obviously I would be at home looking after DS. Or if my M.E. plays up, but then again, I will be ill at home. It is a case of 'I have to go'.

I'm not a fan of huge parties either. There are going to be 100 people there. I went out recently and it was lovely sat in the pub having a few drinks with my friends but when we went into a club, I found it really awful and went home early.

AccioPinot Thank you very much for the offer of the outfit. I am hopefully going for the Mary Quant look (I have to look that up exactly but I have a vague idea, I may actually be completely wrong).

They will be pissed off if I don't go, they told us about it over a year before his birthday and remind us everytime we see them. Although one time was excuse for MIL to have a bit of a moan. FILs daughters are doing all the food (for 100 people!) and she was moaning about them using her kitchen to do it. One lives 5 hours away and the other doesn't live that close so they have no where else to do it. If MIL had to do the food, she would probably moan about having to do all the food (as she wouldn't even make our wedding cake as it was too much work, this was after doing our engagement cake which was lovely). But then she never seems to have a good word to say about her DSD, who I really like and are a damn sight nicer than her own DD. Sorry, completely off the point there!

OP posts:
ClaraJo · 25/02/2010 15:18

swanandduck I'm just a bit sensitive about it, I guess. My DP has come in for flak from members of my family telling me that he should "grow up", when he doesn't want to attend events. If I don't go either, they assume it's because of him, when actually quite a lot of the time it's also because of me.

Original poster
Coldhands · 25/02/2010 15:20

ClaraJo I don't like the phrase 'grow up' either. As you can see from my second post. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, everyone has their reasons for things. I just think it is pretty rude to say this to someone.

Your family sound charming to your DH.

OP posts:
swanandduck · 25/02/2010 15:24

Coldhands

My point is that it is immature to just say 'I don't feel like going to my FIL/Mother's/best friend's important party so I'm just not going. What's the big deal'.

I would not dream of telling someone to 'grow up' if they said they were dreading a party or if they didn't go to the office Christmas party or something like that. They are two entirely different dituations. In situation one, whether they like it or not, these people need to 'grow up'.

runnybottom · 25/02/2010 15:57

IF you are going to quote a post in its entirety, please make sure you have understood it first!
What I clearly was asking about is why people would want to have guests who do not want to be there. A party is a celebration of an event, if a guest does not want to be there I would not want them to come. I don't think that people should attend events out of duty or misguided politeness, but I admit I may have a minority viewpoint.
I go to celebrations if I have an intention to celebrate. I expect people to come to mine for the same reason.

On the OP's dilemma, the family seems care little about the feelings of others anyway, so expecting everyone else to cater to theres is a bit rich.

Triggles · 25/02/2010 16:00

"triggles - clearly you had a close relationship with your FIL but not everyone does have the same bond.
If we take that reasoning to it's logical conclusion we would have never get upset or cross with anyone, ever because they might die immediately afterwards. That's not realistic."

And if I'd said it that way, I would agree it's that is unrealistic. But I didn't say "because they might die immediately afterwards", I simply pointed out that they won't be on this earth forever.

I'm going to have to agree with the posters that are saying "grow up" as I think at the very least she could go because her DH would like them to go.

swanandduck · 25/02/2010 16:04

I did understand your post,thank you very much.

My point was that it is immature to let people know, by your non attendance, that you don't want to be at their party, even if they are people close to you (such as FIL) who will be hurt by that knowledge. In my view, the 'grown up 'thing to do in that situation is to go to the party and pretend you are enjoying yourself and leave people you care about with the illusion that you really wanted to go to their wedding/40th party/child's christening or whatever.

MadamDeathstare · 25/02/2010 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runnybottom · 25/02/2010 16:12

pretty sure youre still confused there swan. Again, what I'm saying is why assume FIL would be hurt? Why would he want someone there who would rather be somewhere else?
And you are talking about people you care about and who care about you. Why assume that OP cares at all about her husbands mothers husband, or that he gives a flying shite about her?
Clearer?