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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friends

23 replies

fishingboat · 24/02/2010 21:43

I haven't got any close friends I feel like I'm not normal, I have mums that I talk to on the school run, at baby groups but not one close friend, just wandered if anyone is in the same boat or is it just me??

OP posts:

alexw · 24/02/2010 21:49

No friends here either.

CliffBarnsby · 24/02/2010 21:54

I am. Actually I have one close friend - who lives 1,500 miles away and I rarely actually talk to because my life is a bit busy. No local friends at all.

mishmashmoon · 24/02/2010 21:55

I have no friends either.

foreverastudent · 24/02/2010 22:01

Is that no friends through choice or because you all find making friends hard?

andirobobo · 24/02/2010 22:05

I have friends who I have known for many years but dont see very often. I know people at school and toddler group and have very superficial conversations with. I am friendly with DD school friends parents, but dont socialise with them. I have work colleagues.

Not sure what defines a true friend - someone you would call for a chat or in an emergency and they wouldnt hesitate to drop everything to help.

I think the internet and mobile phones dont help as we all email and text rather than speak.

Original poster

fishingboat · 24/02/2010 22:05

Definatley find it hard, I think I'm a friendly approachable person. Always found it hard from being a child.

OP posts:

CliffBarnsby · 24/02/2010 22:07

A bit of both for me. I find i don't relate to very many people and find it all very awkward which means I don't enjoy myself.

CliffBarnsby · 24/02/2010 22:08

Me too fishingboat. I've always been like this.

kitcat1977 · 24/02/2010 22:10

I have friends, but no-one in particular who I'd go out for a spontaneous night on the tiles with. I'm very consciously nurturing relationships with neighbours and mums-to-be who I'm meeting at various antenatal groups.

I don't see enough of my own friends as they all have their own lives and social circles. I feel that I'm also a bit socially 'awkward' because I'm quite quiet and introverted - not the life and soul, I freely admit.

Part of the 'problem' for me (though I'm not sure I really see it as such) is that I have a large family and am very close to my mum. She knows things about me that only my DH knows, and some things that not even he's aware of! DH, too, is genuinely a great friend. It's almost as if I don't really need anyone else, which has made it all too easy to neglect friendships.

I think that the number of people who've already responded to this thread shows you that there are lots of socially isolated people around. Are there neighbours you can invite around / go for a coffee with now and again? I'd suggest a club or gym but IME those relationships tend to be quite artificial and don't really exist outside that situation IYSWIM. It takes time, but it is quite a pleasure to consciously build relationships.

issysmilkbottle · 24/02/2010 22:11

me too.... I have one friend who is much younger than me, about 14 years from uni a few years ago but she doesnt live close and i have a few people i chat to occasionally on fb etc and when i am in uni i have little chats, one of my ds's friends mum is friendly but only when we meet up re the dcs.... No real idea why... I don't live where i grew up and i lose contact easily..

I'd love a close friend to chat to, meet for coffee etc but its so hard to make friends at 37!

kitcat1977 · 24/02/2010 22:14

I meant, 'my old friends'. And by 'night on the tiles', I also mean someone to just chat with and confide in!

TippyTumbles · 24/02/2010 22:15

I have 'pub buddies' ie if they are at the pub when i am in we will have a chat/laugh together but i don't have friends of the type that i would meet up with on a planned basis.

Original poster

fishingboat · 24/02/2010 22:19

O.k so when do you class someone as a friend, we have neighbours who we are friendly with our 6 yr old daughter pops to theirs quite frequently she adores them (they have NO children at home) but I don't class them has a 'Friend'. I have mums I will walk to and from school with maybe have a coffee with once in a while but I don't feel these are friends just acquaintances. Is this where I'm going wrong??

OP posts:

defineme · 24/02/2010 22:31

Kitcat has got to the heart of it. At school/university you're thrown together and have no responsibilities. At 37 or whatever it's hard and you have to work at it. Particularly if you don't live where you grew up.

I had to consciously work at a friendship to get to the point where I have relaxed close friendships with the friends I have now. I went out when I was tired, I offered to help anybody with anything, made definate rather than vague arrangements. It still took 2 yrs before I had reliable friends. It wasn't as calculated as it sounds!

CliffBarnsby · 24/02/2010 22:32

I dong know. I have 'situational friends', too but I find that there's nothing in common outside of the situation IYSWIM. I'd class a friend anyone you may speak to just because or go out with just because. A good friend is obviously more. I have acquaintances but I find them tedious and 'fake' because it is usually forced contact (ie at a club or in my case other boarders at the barn I'm at) and so whether they actually like me or not we are all 'friendly'.

TBH I don't have time to even properly manage my life and feel that I can't live up to expectations of going out/child free time or even quiet chats on the phone without children.

2shoes · 24/02/2010 22:36

I have none(well apart from DH and dd who is my forever friend)

2old4thislark · 24/02/2010 22:57

I have a few aquaintances for lunch/coffee but no real girl pals. I did have one but got dumped. Bit sad as it took me a while to realise. We knew each other at shcool and then met up again and spent years being close mates as out kids were same age.
She developed friendships with other people Ii knew but started leaving me out. She has just declined me (twice!) as a FB friend!

Hasn't done my self esteem or confidence much good at all ! As long as Dh and the kids love me that's all I need.

kitcat1977 · 24/02/2010 23:13

I think acquaintances become friends as you begin to learn more intimate things about each other. Until recently, I only ever really talked to one of my neighbours about our cats. However, I'm heavily pregnant and we've talked about she and her husband not having a family yet because she's stalling on the issue, and she knows we've had a long struggle to get where we are. It sounds a bit artificial when I say it like that, but it's just meant as an example, and to me, the ability to confide about personal things is a good measure.

Another of my neighbours talks incessantly about her crazy, disfunctional love life and never actually appears to want to know much about me. I know we'll never be close!

I think you also need to be able to recognise which friendships are worth nurturing. One of my oldest friends has shown no interest whatsoever in our struggle to have a family, rarely returns calls and never rings me. I might take the high ground and tell her when the baby's born, but I really don't want to bother with her after that. Another old friend will always be rooting for us, and us for her, no matter how little we see each other.

It's really worth trying to build just two or three mutually supportive friendships and not investing too much time in people you feel don't really see you. Makes me want to delete most of my Facebook 'friends' actually!

mummyindisguise · 24/02/2010 23:16

None here either. Have been in the UK for a year now....and havent been out once. Dont even have peole to talk on the phone to and my family dont give a shit over in my 'home' country. We are moving again next month to a different part if England, so I guess it will be this way for a while..

kitcat1977 · 24/02/2010 23:19

Is there such a thing as internet 'dating' sites just for friendship? If not, maybe there should be. Seems to me that there are a lot of lonely people about!

lovecamping · 24/02/2010 23:24

i find it hard when friendships change for all sorts of reasons and sometimes i'm the one that calls them rather than they call me. its hard to read too much as everyone is busy but are they just saying to me that i'm no longer wanted as a friend?!?!!?

Notalone · 24/02/2010 23:24

Am I allowed to mention Netmums? They have a Meet a mum section on there where you can chat and meet on a one to one basis. I would find this easier and less daunting than a huge MN meet up where everyone else may know each other already.

Mumsnet is, in all other ways, far far superior to Netmums

.....Notalone runs away for mentioning the N word

honeydew · 24/02/2010 23:52

I don't have hardly any friends either. I'm quite shy and reserved and am careful about who I let close to me.

I'm a member of my local church and have two friends I see regularly but with 3 young children, I rarely get any time to myself for socialising.

I would like to go out more and do things but I'm not at all confident even though you think on a first meeting that I was.

I grew up an only child and went through a traumatic, abusive relationship when I was a young adult and so I tend to to back off due to my past which has left me always insecure.

I have a loving DH which makes up for a lot but it isn't easy especially when you live somewhere you haven't grown up and spend most of the day alone looking after children.

The few friends I do have are great and always there for me but I just can't get into the school gate yummy mummy set at my DD's school. Not because I'm snobby, just to shy to get involved. The women who are in these friendship sets all cling together.

I think perhaps that once my kids are older, I will try to join a social group that I'm interested in like a book club and meet friends that way or do a adult education course in a subject I really enjoy.

So you are not alone in feeling lonely!

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