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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To object to a close friendship remaining between my man & the woman that broke up his last relationship

22 replies

1onway1under12and1over18 · 23/02/2010 22:28

My man of 3 years remains close to the woman he had a fling with in his previous relationship. She texts emails & calls him regularly. He has known her for decades & she was his crutch after a bereavement. He says he owes her for that support & is always available to her for chats because he feels a debt of gratitude. During his previous relationship they grew physically close & they slept together. His ex found out and forgave him but their relationship ended soon after. I trust him totally but get increasingly frustrated by her constant presence. She is unaware I know of their infidelity and professes to be morally sound. Whenever I raise concerns I just sound unsympathetic to his bereavement & insanely jealous of her. I can't win & end up looking and sounding crazy.

OP posts:

StephysFamous · 23/02/2010 22:33

Did they sleep together before or after his bereavement?
I don't think it's trusting him that is the issue, trusting her is. She sounds like a friend my DP had, she was always calling in the middle of the night moaning about life, I soon knocked that on the head.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2010 22:38

well, his bereavement is over 3 years ago, so I think you could probably ease up the sympathy for that, tbh

and I don't blame you for the frustration at her constant presence

is she friendly to you...or is she only interested in him ?

because if that is the case, she isn;t a friend of your relationship, IYSWIM

Original poster

1onway1under12and1over18 · 23/02/2010 22:40

She was there for him after bereavement and they slept together few years later. It's a good ten years since but they still support each other.

I've tried knocking on head but she keeps popping back.

OP posts:

wonderingwondering · 23/02/2010 22:42

Yes, if she is your friend too, fine. If she's not, then you need to explain to your DH that she isn't part of your joint life and given the history, you'd feel more comfortable with a bit of distance between them.

If you feel she's not interested in you, that's a bad sign - she's not interested in your partner's happiness and his life, she's interested in him.

ravenAK · 23/02/2010 22:56

If the fling is several years ago, & they've 'been there, done that', & are genuinely now close, supportive mates, then YABU...

...unless she doesn't then extend that friendship to her friend's partner, ie. you.

If you & she aren't friends, is that because she's not interested in getting to know you (bad sign), or because you have always been a bit of her?

Actually, I'd be concerned by his lukewarm defence of her - he 'owes her a debt of gratitude'?

If his feelings for her are just 'old time's sake', & yet he stays in touch, that would bother me more (given you have made it obvious you'd rather he didn't), than if he were saying that she was one of his dearest, oldest friends, & as such he wasn't prepared to cool the friendship - which I'd understand better.

jasper · 23/02/2010 23:08

I don't think you can really object to friendships he has that were there before you were together

Vallhala · 23/02/2010 23:14

Many, many years ago (admittedly in our late teens) my male best friend and I slept together. We remain best pals 30 years on but I am not a friend of his DP of the past 10 years. I like her, I respect her, and I hope the feeling's mutual but I'm HIS friend, just as some of you have women friends and like but just aren't as close to their DH's. Not being very close to C doesn't mean that I am a threat to her relationship - why should it in the OP's case?

Maybe the friend of 1's partner is omly professing innocence as she believes that 1 is unaware of it and doesn't want to hurt or cause ill-feeling by mentioning it. I have no idea if C knows that her DP and I slept together, I have never mentioned it and never would unless directly asked as that would lead to unnecessary jealousy and/or suspicion.

All too often I read on here that current partners feel threatened by their DH/DPs close female friend because they have had a fling with him in the past and it saddens me. Not all female friends are predators with a hidden agenda.

meltedchocolate · 23/02/2010 23:22

Vallhala, I believe you in your case but I think you are 'a rare breed' heheh. I dont think women in general find it easy to totally emotionally detactch themselves from someone they have been physically close to in the past that they are still in touch with now. There is normally something still there. I wouldnt trust this friendship.

My general rule - female friends, no bother, any sexual history is a total no no. Be civil, be friends but not best buddies or anything like that.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2010 23:24

vall, this mate you slept with years ago...

do you text, email an call him on a regular, intrusive basis ?

no ?

thought not, different scenario

skidoodle · 23/02/2010 23:29

Sexual history can be just history.

In some ways I'd wonder a bit about someon if none of their friends had ever wanted to shag them.

What is "constant presence"?

CJCregg · 23/02/2010 23:31

My now ex-DH had a very close female friend who he spent a lot of time with before he met me. They had a sexual history but that was well and truly over, I liked her a lot and we all got on well. I never saw her as a threat.

Sure enough, there came a point where they were out together one night, got pissed and fell into bed together. I was at home looking after the DCs.

I may be jaded but I think there is always the possibility of something like this happening, some day.

Vallhala · 23/02/2010 23:57

AnyFucker, S and I text, email and speak on the phone fairly regularly. We do the courtesy thing, a quick text to see if the other is free and if C answers when I call I always have a friendly chat with her but as we haven't met often (friend and I have lived some considerable distance from each other for a few years) our chat is general small-talk.

S has come to stay with me and my DC on a few occasions, with C's blessing (she's welcome but is allergic to cats and dogs and I have both). In fact, she has sometimes been the one to suggest he does so. On that basis I guess C doesn't consider our contact to be intrusive.

I suppose I'm just lucky. I love S as the brother I never had and value our friendship, my kids adore him and view him as an uncle. I honestly would never even consider sleeping with him now, it happened just once, we were young and half-pissed. That's not me being moral about affairs, I just don't think of S in that way, but love him? Yes, as a dear friend, certainly.

dignified · 23/02/2010 23:58

I wouldnt have thought it wise for him to spend time with someone hes once had an affair with, whether that was before your time or not.

Re the debt and gratitude he owes her after this bereavement , doesnt sound like hes sorry about the affair he had, too busy defending her.

Does he ever express remorse about this affair? Thats what would worry me the most to be honest.

StephysFamous · 24/02/2010 00:01

Vallhala, I think you and your friend have done very well to stay friends, not sure if I could if a friend and I had been so close then slept together.
But I notice you didn't say either of you were in a relationship when you got together, completely different situation, I think so anyway.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 24/02/2010 00:09

Sounds a bit Charles and Camilla to me. YANBU

Vallhala · 24/02/2010 00:10

Oh god, no, Stephy, as I said, we were young free and single... about 19 years old I think.

When we were younger we both had bf's/gf's who were jealous of our friendship and insecure about it, but looking back I'd put that down to age. Regardless we always knew that no matter what happened in our relationships we would always have that strong friendship.

We are very lucky. I think a lot of it is that we are so similar in personality, interests and background and we went through our teens together, meeting when we were 14. I've always been welcomed by his folks as part of the family - still now I ask how "Mum and Dad" are (ie his parents).

It can be done y'know, honest 1!

ChippingIn · 24/02/2010 00:20

Vallhala - what you have sounds like a good friendship, that once, when you were young and single went the other side of the duvet. What the OP is describing is someone who her DP had an affair with when he was in a previous relationship. She also sounds like she is very intrusive - so it's really not the same.

OP - get rid.

jasper · 24/02/2010 00:34

I am concerned about the wording of your thread title

GoddessInTheKitchen · 24/02/2010 00:52

whats wrong with the title?

jasper · 24/02/2010 00:54

"my man"

"the woman that broke up..."

GoddessInTheKitchen · 24/02/2010 01:05

i agree with you about the woman as it takes two....

but i think depending on where u come from 'my man' is just a different way to say 'boyfriend' it is where i come from anyway

to the op, you say you trust him so whats the issue? you either trust him or you don't

jasper · 24/02/2010 09:47

Yes I see what you mean Goddess.
It might be a regional thing. Saying "my man" in these parts is not common

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