to want to punch DH for getting the children over excited at bed time

[Helliebean1]

My DH works very hard. Long hours, travels abroad, stressful work and is often home after the children (DD 4, DS3) have gone to bed at 7.30. His hard work has facillitated me being a SAHM for the past 5 years (with the exception of freelance work whenever I can get it) and whilst I am very grateful for having this time, I am desperate to get back to work in some way as apart from needing the money, my brain is turning to mush. I have been looking around but my previous work in film and tv doesn't lend itself to child-friendly hours and starting a new job is fine, but it has to cover the cost of childcare which seems to be impossible to find.

Anyway I say this so you will understand how 'ready' I am for the children to go to bed at 7.30pm...

Probably 3 nights a week my husband arrives home in time for bedtime and is obviously keen to see the children. He will usually have a beer in the kitchen and then come up, but does he offer to finish the bath? Do teeth and pyjamas? Read a story? Have a cuddle? Oh no siree, we'll have a pillow fight shall we? Or why don't we see how high we can jump on the bed? This usually lasts about 20 minutes at which point my DH announces he has to answer some emails, then leaves me to settle 2 hysterical hyper-active children. This can be the difference between them being settle by 7 - 7.45 and gone 9pm. And then I start supper.... It is driving me mad! I have tried to be 'understanding' and have suggsted more tranquil bonding time but then get told to 'chill out' and 'have some fun'. GGGgggrrrr AIBU to be irritated?

YANBU

no YANBU. My DH often comes home late and has a good romp with our 19 month old, but when that happens it is definitely his job to do the bedtime stuff.

I would say - fine do whatever you want with them but it's your responsibility to get them firmly in bed for the night.

YANBU. I suggest you insist he settle said children. If he doesn't take you seriously, I'd "pop out" for a pint of milk or some such so he's forced to deal with the situation in your absence. If he has to own the situation, he might direct it differently.

Hmmm. Tricky one. On one hand, at least he is spending some time, on the other, its the wrong kind of time!! I don't think I would mind if it was every so often, but to be doing it a couple of times a week, no I don't think you are being unreasonable. I genuinely believe that our darling husbands have no idea how exhausting it is being at home all day with no adult company at all. I would do a big strop probably - tell him he has got them hyper, he can calm them down - you are off for a glass of wine. Or have a bath prepared for when he walks in that you can pop off to at a moments notice. Maybe then he will tire quickly of pillow fights and find the bedtime story much better fun!

was going to say the same as dittany!
if he wants to spend time with them that's fine, but you need to say right, i'll be downstairs cooking supper, you settle them to bed.

there is time for e-mails after supper/when kids are asleep.

Give the kids some brandy in their last drink before bedtime, that usually helps them drop off.

YANBU he needs to grow up. He can see them perfectly well before bedtime without making them hysterical. If he feels it's really necessary, then he needs to work less hours so he can do it at a more appropriate time. It seems he has no concern about it making your life more difficult.

lol at redbin.

YANBU

DH does similar but does at least see the whole of bedtime through. I just leave them to it.

BTW your SAHMing has facilitated your husbands career as much as vice versa. So it is not unreasonable to expect him to finish what he starts with the bedtime bedlam. Nor would it be unreasonable for you to discuss together how you could cover the costs of childcare to enable you to do something as well as mothering, if that is what you really want & need.

I have a solution - go out to the gym for an hour and a half when he comes in, and come back to supper on the table (cooked by him) and kids in bed (put there by him). if he can't manage it in the time, stay out longer

Get him to do bath & bedtime when he's home in time. Say it's such a great chance to "bond" with his children. Tnen go out.

You are all right of course. To a certain extent I have allowed this to happen.

Right, I am going to start with the glass of wine / bath routine and if that fails, I will move on to the 'popping out' strategy. Probably wine/bath won't work as the usual tact (after 'I've got to answer emails') is to tell me that the children 'want me to settle them'. Annoyingly he asks them "do you want mummy to settle you' and of course they say 'yes'

Thank you all. I was begininning to wonder if I was just being a grumpy cow

We have a similar set up in that DP is often not home before DC go to bed. So on the nights he is home, he takes over as soon as he comes home. He walks straight in the door and upstairs to carry on, whilst I slope off to watch EastEnders do something of enormous importance. If he were to stop for a beer, leave me to do most of bedtime and expect me to produce a meal as well, we would have long since parted. I'm not surprised it drives you mad.

YANBU.

I am in the same situation as you.

DH and I have agreed that if he winds them up, he also does story time and bed time discipline (if they keep coming out as too excited to sleep). He usually does this while I cook supper.

Then when they are in bed, we can relax and eat.

Try to discuss this when you are feeling good, not when grumpy as then it´ll be a fight. If he says he has to do mails, then ask if he coudl do them after dinner.

Also, try to imagine his position, he really misses the kids and is trying to squeeze in some quality time on the go. Have a drink too! And relax a bit, no harm done if they go to bed a bit later.

am about the mummy ahs to settle.

It has been tried here, and I just refuse. I give them a kiss and cuddle when daddy is home, and explain to ALL OF THEM that daddy is doing the whole bed time routine, and they will not see me again that evening. Night night darlings. I sometimes hide in the study, door closed, with a glass of wine.

In order to get all fo them used to this idea, I have in the past resorted to hiding in loo with ipod and magazine ...sounds sad and mad, but it works.

You have to fight for your rights, or else everyone walks all over you, sadly.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect him to either not wind them up or settle them himself if he does wind them up.

He quite rightly wants to spend time with them, but reading a book would be better for you, so you can settle them down after.

I would offer an ultimatum - either you keep them calm, or put them to bed yourself after you have wound them up.

Don't forget though, in his mind he will probably think - She has been at home all day, she can put them to bed, so what if I've wound them up, I need to have as much fun with them as I possibly can in the time I have with them.

Thats the SAHM's role, remember? (I am being sarcastic, but that is what a lot of dads think like when they are working and youre at home)

YANBU.

Glad to see you're fighting back now - definitely keep your resolve on this. one or two nights of him having to deal with the consequences of his hyping will hopefully make him change his mind about what he does with them when he gets home.

How is sitting and reading with them, or playing a board game or something equally calming any less quality time than jumping on the beds or chasing them around? Oh, sure, it takes more enthusiasm to sit and read to a child than it does to start a pillowfight, but isn't that what parenthood is all about?

What he's doing now is a cop out as much as it is an annoyance. Seems to me he could put a bit more effort into being inventive with them too.

YANBU - I have told DH in no uncertain terms that he is welcome to wind the DCs up as much as he likes before bedtime, but HE has to deal with the consequences!

One of his most annoying favourite things to do is have a bath immediately after we have put DD to bed. The bathroom is a very thin partition wall away from DD so it keeps her awake! I just leave them to it, and DD quite often ends up sitting on the end of the bath in her PJs whilst DH soaks, whilst I keep a low profile downstairs in front of the TV!

ooooooooooooooooh an ipod and magazine in the bathroom. Genius! I am smiling just thinking about it. DH is working away for a few nights which means that by the time he gets back home we will be fully immersed in the 'proper' routine (and he will also be exploding with the need to be as irritatingly 'fun' as a man can be), so I think I'll give him one more night of nonsense and then put plan into action

Not only can he do the bedtime routine (which is an important part of the daily routine, and a meaningful way of spending time with the kids, they're not pets to be played with and then left when you're bored) but why are you doing bedtime and then cooking? What's he doing during that time?

Really, if he won't do the bedtime routine, he should at least be doing the clearing up and cooking while you're doing it.

Obviously he misses his kids during the day. So do I. But that doesn't mean I get to just come home, play, and then turn the boring stuff over to the other parent. That's just crap.

And mazzystartled makes a great point. Your job allows him to further his career, just as much as the other way around. Taking care of two pre-schoolers isn't the world's easiest task.