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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

All-absorbing hobby

18 replies

worsleychick · 22/02/2010 20:15

My DH spends at least 2 hours every evening on his computer upstairs and some part of the weekends. He spend a great deal of money on equipment which he says is for composing music. I am at home all day with two young children and once the children are in bed (unless I go to the gym) I spent a great part of the evening on my own.

I never check up on him as he gets angry and says I am trying to "control" him if I object to the hobby.

We recently got engaged after 10 years - but only after some very heavy hints from me.

He does not go out to the pub or anything like that, but recently mentioned that someone at work was arranging a night out, but said he didnt know who was going or precisely where it was. I was quite upset that he didnt invite me but his excuse was that he wanted me to pick him up. He then said he wasnt going to go due to my reaction.

When I mention these things that are bothering me he says I am "trying to control" him and seems quite incapable of seeing things from my point of view.

Am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:

chandellina · 22/02/2010 20:19

hard to say. you could be describing lots of relationships that are generally very healthy, but if you never do things together and he is emotionally and physically distant and this is just part of the broader problem than YANBU.

LynetteScavo · 22/02/2010 20:19

Erm. YAB a tliitle U.

So he has no, or little social life, and when he is about to go out you over react, so he decides not to go.

Mamii · 22/02/2010 20:38

From what you've said he's not considering your needs/requirements/wants at all.

Have you told him how you feel?

Mamii · 22/02/2010 20:42

By the way, completely understand that your issue was that he hadn't even considered that you're also desparate to go out as a couple... rather than you having an issue about him going out.

overmydeadbody · 22/02/2010 20:46

well while yanbu to be bugged by this, you are possibly being unreasonable in your way of going about communicating your disatisfaction to your DP.

Surly he can go out without having to feel that you have to be invited too?

overmydeadbody · 22/02/2010 20:48

If you spend a great part of the evening on your own why don't you have friends over, watch a dvd or go out?

RedLeaves · 22/02/2010 20:49

It sounds like he doesn't want to spend any time with you, sadly.

I'm not sure why you would want to marry this bloke. Seem that an awful lot of talking and understanding each other needs to come first.

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me. I wish you luck in sorting it out.

Undercovamutha · 22/02/2010 20:50

YANBU if it upsets you. However my DH has a time consuming hobby, and I generally don't mind. I am happy to have time to myself to MN chill out of an evening. But when it encroaches to much on family time then I do get a bit pissed off and put my foot down!
But I do think you may be being a bit unreasonable about the night out!

Nightshoe · 22/02/2010 20:52

Perhaps the key point here is if you have been together more than 10 years has he always been like this? Or has it happened suddenly? Is it his personality or a new behaviour?

Kevlarhead · 22/02/2010 20:54

Have you ever asked to hear the music he's made?

chandellina · 22/02/2010 21:00

yeah, i was going to point out that you don't seem convinced that he's actually using the equipment to make music.

RedbinDippers · 22/02/2010 21:03

Check his internet history when he's out.

Kevlarhead · 22/02/2010 21:05

Have you ever asked to hear the music he's made?

overmydeadbody · 22/02/2010 21:06

Why should she check the interent history when he;s out?

Perhaps she is the one being unreasonable or pushing him away? Let's not all jusmp to the conclusion that the guy is up to no good judt because he has a time-consuming hobby.

Nightshoe · 22/02/2010 21:15

Agree with overmydeadbody, OP could indeed be controlling. Surely there are better ways to approach this with her DH than to assume that he is up there having an internet romance or watching porn!

Kevlarhead · 22/02/2010 21:29

Whoops. Connection timeout stupidness doublepost...

rookiemater · 22/02/2010 21:36

It is easy to spend more time on the internet rather than cultivating real life relationships, she says typing away, however we have a lap top so at least I am in the living room.

YANBU to be annoyed with his refusal to engage, but poorly handled about his night out. Surely you should be encouraging him to do some socialising rather than spending all his time on the puter.

Ok presuming he has some redeeming features, I'd arrange a babysitter and have a night out.

mazzystartled · 22/02/2010 21:40

YABU

You need to make sure you spend some evenings together regularly. Can you decide to have dinner together twice a week and get out twice a month?

And take advantage of his home-based hobby to get out yourself - see friends/do stuff.

And as for his works night out - why would you be invited? Can't think of anything worse than going out with DH's workmates.

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