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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give my DP an ultimatium, when he has depression?

17 replies

amber1979 · 22/02/2010 16:09

My DP was signed off work for depression last October. He has been on AD's and has been recieving counselling.

The problem is, I have also been made redundant. He refuses to apply for the benefits that he is entitled to as he can't take the stress of it.Nor will he allow me to help him with it. This means that my savings are taking the strain.

I'm considering telling him that if he doesn't either apply for the benefits or go back to work (even for one day a week) by the end of March, I'm letting him go.

Harsh?

OP posts:

OrmRenewed · 22/02/2010 16:13

Yes, maybe. I sympathise though. Depression strips you of the will to do anything. It's hard to explain how it feels to anyone else. It might give him th boost he needs to get up and do something but I doubt it

ActuallyMyNamesMarina · 22/02/2010 16:16

yes, harsh, but we've only got a snapshot, there could be other isshoos and then you may not be harsh. Now you are unemployed you can claim for him as your dependant, but any wages etc he has coming in will be taken in to account (unless you claim contribution based JSA only)

Depending on his work sick pay scheme he may not be entitled to any benefits anyway.....cut him (and you) a bit of slack - worklessness is a stressful thing

MadameDefarge · 22/02/2010 16:18

You could be pragmatic and fill in the forms for him, so all he has to do is sign them...I assume you would apply for disability benefit (can't remember its new name) but I have been in this position too, and its very frustrating.

darcymum · 22/02/2010 16:20

Why dont you go to the CAB and see if they can advise you on how to get around this if you can.

Yes harsh but depression is hard you you as well.

Original poster

amber1979 · 22/02/2010 16:22

I can't claim for him as a dependant for various reasons.

He has to be the one to claim am afraid.

What gets me, is that he is quite capeable of socialisng with friends/going clubbing/going to the pub etc yet not able to sort out anything financially??

Don't get me wrong, I love this man and would do anything to help him - but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't starting to feel resentful. I have a horrific image in my mind of nothing having changed in a few years time, except me being penniless.

OP posts:

ActuallyMyNamesMarina · 22/02/2010 16:27

amber - you can claim contribution based JSA in your own right - one simple phone call or online.

He doesn't have to be the one to claim, unless you're here illegally or have worker status which may mean you can't get income related benefits.

You can also claim JSA income based for you and him - he has to do nothing - no interviews, no going to the jobcentre, no medicals etc - you would be the claimant.

If he won't let you claim, that's different.....and I'd say you wouldn't be harsh giving him an ultimatum/marching orderss

Original poster

amber1979 · 22/02/2010 16:31

I know I can claim cont JSA and I do claim it. The problem is that there are benefits which he must claim himself for various reasons.

OP posts:

claw3 · 22/02/2010 16:37

He has depression, he is not an idiot, talk to him, tell him you cannot afford to carry on like this. Dp suffers with depression, i have found he can sometimes use this as an excuse for some of his behaviour and some things have to be said regardless of whatever the person suffers with.

EspeciallyForYou · 22/02/2010 16:52

I had this with my ex-DP, we were going through relationship counselling whilst I was pregnant and so freaking out about money. He sat there every week and told me he'd applied for his benefits and then admitted months later that he never did because he couldn't bear to/couldn't get it together to apply.

His depression was a factor in my decision to leave him, or more like the effect it was having on his behaviour. I don't think you are being harsh, only you know what you are prepared to live with.

kinnies · 22/02/2010 17:26

I suffer from depression an am totaly unable to deal with any problems at times (which is really not like me when I'm myself!) so I can understand why your Dp is having a hard time with this.
If I were you I would just fill in the forms and get him to sign them. My Dh has done this for me before and it was totaly the right thing to do imo.

Original poster

amber1979 · 22/02/2010 18:06

I would do that Kinnies, however where we are all benefits must be applied for over the phone. They won't speak to me about DP's benefits due to the data protection act.

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 22/02/2010 18:39

How about getting power of attorney? Its costs about £20 and you do it at a solicitors, then you have the right to direct his affairs.

ScreaminEagle · 22/02/2010 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 22/02/2010 18:49

I read your other thread Amber........I still think he's using the 'depression' card to suit himself

Original poster

amber1979 · 22/02/2010 18:50

I don't want rid of him. I just can't afford to support him. The council round here wants us all to be "paper free" and all that environmental crapola.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 22/02/2010 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 22/02/2010 19:06

If he goes on jobseekers thdn he'll be expected to be up and actively looking for work......... He doesn't want to does he?!

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