tell me your stories about families who don't get you

[boundaryRider]

I've moaned on here before about my parents and siblings. They thrive on negativity, affluenza-type consumerism, and inanity. They are terribly nice social people (chattering classes) who are behind the scenes a seething mix of ineffectual whining hippie-ness, absence of credibility, narcissim, controlling freakery and victorian prudery/perviness.

Increasingly I am trying to see them as people who live in a very different society, with very different interests, values etc. I'm trying to create distance between myself and them so that I don't engage with them and spend my life getting angry over things i can't change.

Please tell me your stories of having moved far from the family home/ culture, and how you relate successfully (without having to engage much) to the parents who don't really understand what you're on about.

(This is faintly depressing since my job is basically identical to my father's and not too far from those of my mother, DSis, BIL, SIL etc., so it really is a huge effort not to want to SCREAM whenever they say something plainly idiotic).

THeButterflyeffect,

Oh, I see now! I live abroad and I'm seriously losing my ability to speak English

boundaryrider,
I know its not the done BRitish thing but have a look for some books to help you with this, the dreaded so-called self-help books. At the very least, some of those books give you a fascinating insight into Freudian psychology, which becomes useful in other areas of your life.
Unfortunately many people in your situation attempt to limit contact with their family but then find this unworkable or even worse than before (some families 'up the antse' if a member attempts to limit contact or draw back a bit). Many people ultimately end up cutting contact after this stage. But as I said before, only you know how severe your situation is. I would guess its quite severe judging by your post about the suicidal tendencies an depression.
my point is, limited contact is the ideal in these situations, but it is not always feasible.

Oh, another thing. I saw you defending yourself against BariatricOBama. I have to tell you not to bother with this. You are always going to be judged for limiting or cutting contact. The harshest judges are usually people who have problems with their own families themselves but are too scared to change anything. I call these people "Pollyannas", for obvious reasons. As long as you can look yourself in the mirror each day and know that the decisions you have made were made consciously and were for the best ,then you have no need to defend yourself against other people who have no clue what they're talking about.

boundaryrider,
I know its not the done BRitish thing but have a look for some books to help you with this, the dreaded so-called self-help books. At the very least, some of those books give you a fascinating insight into Freudian psychology, which becomes useful in other areas of your life.
Unfortunately many people in your situation attempt to limit contact with their family but then find this unworkable or even worse than before (some families 'up the antse' if a member attempts to limit contact or draw back a bit). Many people ultimately end up cutting contact after this stage. But as I said before, only you know how severe your situation is. I would guess its quite severe judging by your post about the suicidal tendencies an depression.
my point is, limited contact is the ideal in these situations, but it is not always feasible.

Oh, another thing. I saw you defending yourself against BariatricOBama. I have to tell you not to bother with this. You are always going to be judged for limiting or cutting contact. The harshest judges are usually people who have problems with their own families themselves but are too scared to change anything. I call these people "Pollyannas", for obvious reasons. As long as you can look yourself in the mirror each day and know that the decisions you have made were made consciously and were for the best ,then you have no need to defend yourself against other people who have no clue what they're talking about.

After one particularly hideous argument with my parents I elected to cut them off entirely.

My childhood was peppered with physical and emotional abuse (most of which my parents attribute to the "way it was" in the 70's). In my late 20's I really started getting uncontrollably angry about the way I was raised, and couldn't face my parents' diabolical indifference when I challenged them about it. I was seething, they didn't see the problem. In the 70's and 80's it was acceptable to direct drunken tirades against children. It was ok to hit, intimidate and generally terrify little children with alcohol fuelled, unpredictable behaviour. This new age "parenting with care" malarkey is just political correctness Blah. Blah. Blah.

So for three years I maintained radio silence. I changed telephone numbers, moved countries, the whole shebang! Ever so slowly, I came to the realisation that nobody was angry except for me. Nobody really cared about the past. Mum and Dad were certainly upset about the fact that I wouldn't speak to them, but ultimately they accepted my decision and didn't pursue me or try to fix things (no surprises there).

The distance helped me realise that on a fundamental level, I will never see eye-to-eye with mum and dad. So I decided, after receiving a lovely couriered Christmas card from my dad to let bygones be bygones. We how maintain a telephonic relationship and it works well.

They still infuriate me. Their moronic, bigoted and outdated attitudes still astound me. I just?..

SMILE & NOD

After all, they are the only mum and dad I have. I live 12000 miles away from them, so who is it hurting to allow them to live in blissful ignorance?

"diabolical inifference"

That is a brilliantly coined phrase, Allets. The inability of abusive parents to even consider they are anything but perfect is a difficult pill for their adult child to swallow. I spent many years hoping and believing mine would "get it" someday, and then of course I would forgive them at once...
Well, that never happens and they never ever see. On the contrary, the ridiculous behaviour just continues and gets worse as they age, especially if they are personality disordered, or if alcohol is involved.
Allets, I think you are at the stage most of us want to reach. I do think you have to have separated yourself first, as you did, before you are able to have the kind of cordial and distant relationship that you have.

Not read all of the posts, but just to add that I am "doing" counselling now for just this issue. Toxix parents, causing me to doubt myself, and cause me anger and frustration. Ending up with eating disorder (again). So far, I have learned to distance myself emotionally ie. to say little, half-listen to conversations with my parents, and to screen phone calls. And not get sucked into their petty grievances, and emotional blackmail.

My dh however cannot understand this. He says, "but they are your parents, don't distance yourself". But they don't love me, never have. What do I owe them? I would cut them out of my life if it was easy, but my dh would never live with that. Or my dsis come to think of it. She also distances herself by being very busy!

I was estranged from my father for many years and from the age of 7 I rarely saw him. We got back in touch a few years ago, we live a couple of hundred miles apart but speak regularly on the telephone.

The more we get to know each other, the more I realise that he doesn't really know me at all and certainly doesn't "get" me. He is old now and not in the best of health and I don't want to cause him any necessary upset by putting him straight on a few things. Sometimes I disagree with him but the majority of the time I don't as it isn't worth it.

I think that perhaps he had this idea that I was a 1950's housewife baking cakes and doting on my husband, this isn't the case at all and I really don't think he understands how modern families operate.

He also has right wing views on immigration. I have had to put him straight on this as he is an Irish immigrant who claims benefits. Why is it acceptable for him to live in the UK and not pay taxes when in his view it is not acceptable for a Somalian family to do the same? He also told me that he was speaking to a foreign doctor and he couldn't understand a word she was saying and yet I have difficulties deciphering his very strong accent!

I have just accepted that we are different people and come from a different age. It isn't just my father, my mother and mil also have very different ideas about life than I do. Perhaps I am the problem.

it's an interesting discussion, and i'd just like to defend my earlier points by saying i'm not proposing "just suck it up."

The OP explained later that her feelings were very intense and even made her feel suicidal, while the original post did not express such as serious situation.

It's one thing if family are abusive, another if they are just a bit annoying. For most of us, they will probably fall somewhere in between.

I just repeat my first comment that people are very quick to cut off "annoying" family members and pass that message on to their children that family are something you can take or leave.

I formerly had a hideous relationship with my mother that was only improved after some painful and intense confrontation. Maybe it's not a coincidence too that I now live across a vast ocean from her.