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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is unreasonable?

43 replies

TheChicOfIt · 22/02/2010 11:16

DH and I have been invited to a wedding next month - DH is the best man and it is quite a small wedding - I think they are having about 18 people. I assume they do not want any children there as our DS was not on the invite.

Anyway, when we first knew about it (almost a year ago), I asked my mum if she would look after DS as we will need to stay overnight as it is quite far away. She agreed and even said to us that we may as well make a weekend of it.

She lives about 400 miles away, so she would need to come down and stay for a few days anyway.

Anyway, she was down in London for the weekend and we met her and my stepdad for lunch yesterday. I nipped to the toilet and she came in and said "I have a bit of a problem - the only time we can book our holiday without it being really expensive is the weekend of the wedding - do you think DH's mum would look after DS?"

I was pretty stunned. The reason we asked my mum in the first place is because DH's parents are 71 and 79 and both have back problems which means they find it difficult to lift our very heavy DS out of the cot. (They are ok babysitting at night when he's asleep or couple of hours in the day, but a whole weekend would be too much).

Anyway, even if they could they are at a wedding anniversary that night and staying over. I told my mum this and she suggested that I could take DS and his 17 year old cousin to the wedding and she could stay in the room with him for the evening while we are at the reception .

So she wants me to turn up at someone's wedding with my DS who is not invited and my 17 year old neice who is also not invited!!!

Obviously I cannot do this. I feel really let down but I am damned if I am going to beg her to babysit now.

I haven't told my DH yet - he will hit the roof - he has paid for 2 nights in the hotel at £200 a night!

OP posts:

ChristianaTheSeventh · 22/02/2010 14:43

Message withdrawn

Silver1 · 22/02/2010 14:44

Tell her you are very upset, and that she has let you down horribly. Tell her your DH is very upset (maybe she only cares what men think) I know my mum wouldn't dream of upsetting DH!
Then tell her you will ask someone else to babysit.

When you have done all that, ask someone else to babysit.
friends godparents siblings, if she lives 400 miles away I doubt your son is any closer/or knows her any better than someone else.
OR you could ask DH's parents and see if someone can go in to help them.

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 22/02/2010 14:54

AF - sounds just like my mum! Except she has been belittled by my stepdad, not my dad.

I too often feel sorry for my mum as she is railroaded into things, like running businesses after she has retired, but she can't say no.

She is one of those people who will say yes to everything and then bitch and moan about how much she has to do, how bad her stress levels are etc.

Also, she is the most stressed person, the most tired, the most ill.

Before my wedding all she went on about was how wonderful her hat and dress were - the only comment she made about me was that I should have had a tiara on as it didn't look right without one.

Didn't even look at me during the ceremony - more interested in feeding sweets to my sister's DS.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 22/02/2010 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 22/02/2010 15:04

With all due respect to the people who have suggested splitting the cost of the holiday - she says it will cost three times as much - and even if it didn't, I wouldn't be offering to pay the difference, because I honestly feel now that I just don't want her to babysit that badly anymore. All it is is that they want to avoid the Easter holidays so I'm not sure why they can't arrange the holiday for the week after the holidays.

I am sure that if I did manage to get her to come down, it would be brought up forever more and I would be made to feel guilty by her and stepdad.

There are many other options I can try - I will ask if DS can go to wedding, or see if he can be babysat by SIL or a friend.

I just feel that if I were in that situation I would not let down my daughter on an arrangement that has been made for a year.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/02/2010 15:07

I understand chic

never mind the money aspect, I cannot count the many times I've been made to pay for "favours" by my parents...

ClaraJo · 22/02/2010 15:27

Just a thought - is the wedding actually at the hotel where you're staying? At £200 a night it sounds like the kind of place that might have a babysitting service. I know it's not ideal, if you were hoping for a romantic weekend away, but we ended up taking our DD1 to numerous hotel-based functions because we didn't have any reliable babysitters nearby.

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 22/02/2010 16:05

Good point ClaraJo - I will give them a ring and find out. It's a pretty exclusive place, so even if they did say DS could come, I'm sure that him throwing food on the floor/howling/running amock/wiping his nose on the bride's dress would not go down too well !

OP posts:

ClaraJo · 22/02/2010 16:19

The swish hotels we've paid for babysitters at have generally provided off-site agency staff (often mature ladies) to come in and look after the DCs. Don't know what the policy is regarding leaving the room though... I've only ever got a babysitter in for the evening, but I completely understand your concerns re the carnage a toddler can cause!

ClaraJo · 22/02/2010 16:21

When I say "leaving the room", I mean whether babysitter and DS can go walk about - my DS would not be happy being cooped up in a hotel room during the day, he'd want to be running up and down plush hallways for hours on end!

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 22/02/2010 16:32

So would mine ClaraJo! Either that or I'd go back to the room and he would have tied up the babysitter and be tucking into the minibar .

It's at Stoke Park Club - you haven't by any chance been there have you?

OP posts:

LadyPops · 22/02/2010 16:35

We asked PIL to babysit for one night (we would put ds to bed etc and then leave) so we could have a one night honeymoon in a hotel following our wedding... they said yes. Then a few days before the wedding, I mentioned how much my and my DH (to be) were looking forward to our night out, nice meal etc and FIL looked a bit confused... they had booked a mini break for themselves the same weekend - becauase we hadn't mentioned it for a while they assumed we weren't going anymore [hmmm] but hadn't bothered to check with us. I was really upset and angry, we'd already paid £250 for the room/dinner which wasn't refundable less than a week before so was also gutted about that. In the end they cancelled (after much persuasion from DH)and we got to go but it made the whole thing uncomfortable and stressful and we've never asked them for anything since. Means we never get to go out together but I'd rather not deal with the hassle, get let down at the last minute etc etc.

I hope you manage to sort something out.

taffetacat · 22/02/2010 16:50

LadyPops - that's awful, your honeymoon

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 22/02/2010 16:50

Sorry to hear that LadyPops.

Hope you have managed/will manage to get away at some point.

Sounds like our wedding night. I was so stressed about my mum having him as he was tired and in tears that I didn't enjoy it fully as I knew she would be desperate to hand him back first thing.

When I spoke to my mum about how stressed I had been about it she said "Well if you had got married the year before then you wouldn't have been" (DS was unplanned and meant we had to postpone our wedding)

We are planning on renewing our vows in a quiet ceremony when DS is older, as the whole big wedding + toddler + my mother was a farce.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 22/02/2010 16:52

Actually come to think of it, I'm sure my mum had said she would take ds for a weekend so we could have a honeymoon, but that materialised either ....

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 22/02/2010 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

underactivethyroidmum · 22/02/2010 18:53

My background is similar to AF's and yours Chic - my father has been 'terminally ill' with various mystery ailments for nigh on 20 years and therefore both he and my mother expect me to do everything for them which included at one point an element of financial provision.

They do offer to 'help' with childcare etc but whenever its a 'major function' ie a wedding the arrangments are drastically changed at the last minute - usually due to the onset of some fabricated illness. On the odd occasion I have made a stand the resulting fallout - sulks, sarcastic comments and arguements, have made the whole thing not worth the effort

They both have alcohol issues and my mother has been depressed for as long as I can remember yet refuses all offers of help etc

It's taken me nearly 40 years to realise that however much I achieve/earn/try to help I will never earn their praise or respect as they are far too wrapped up in their own fabricated problems !

My advice would be to find a good babysitter if you can afford it

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 23/02/2010 19:58

Well I have told DH and he is livid - question now is how do I handle the situation with my mother?

I want to let her know that I am really disappointed, but I want to be really focused and not start going off on one at her.

I've no idea what to say to get my point across without sounding like a bitch.

OP posts:

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