Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

For wanting DH to become a house husband?

18 replies

Momdeguerre · 21/02/2010 15:07

We have a 19 month old DS and another due to arrive in April.

I returned to work full time when DS was 5 1/2 months old which I found very hard but I had no choice as I earn more than DH and we could not manage to pay the mortgage on his wage.

In talking about plans for return to work after mat leave I have worked out that I will have to return full time and practically all of DH's wage will go on childcare.

I suggested that maybe he takes a career break and becomes a house husband for a couple of years. He won't even contemplate it - he feels that people would take the piss out of him and he does not want to be financially dependent on me. He refuses to consider part time working for the same reason.

I feel more than a bit irked by his total refusal to even consider this option on that basis, he is usually pretty progressive in his opinions and works hard to support our family but I don't think this is a hugely unreasonable request??

OP posts:

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 21/02/2010 15:09

YANBU to ask him to consider it, but he has and doesn't want to. So YABU for not accepting his decision.

ChasingSquirrels · 21/02/2010 15:10

as chickens said

MeMySonAndI · 21/02/2010 15:11

As a person who took a "career break" just to have all my professional dreams crippled by that too noticeable gap in my CV, I think I would have prefered to spend all my salary in nursery fees rather than risking not being able to come back to work, as I wished, when I was ready.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/02/2010 15:12

YANBU to raise it as a possibility, but I would be peeved if my DP/H wanted me to put my career on hold because he didn't think it was 'worth doing' just because it didn't bring in enough money by his standards. I would tell him to fuck off, to be honest. Taking a career break does make you a less attractive employment prospect. So YABU to keep going on about it.

violethill · 21/02/2010 15:13

YABU if you are trying to force your DH into being at home when he doesn't want to be.

You need to stop looking at it as 'practically all of DH's wage' going on childcare. Childcare is a joint responsibility; therefore look on it as both of you contributing jointly out of your incomes. Yes, with two pre-schoolers that's a lot of money, but it's not forever, and it means you both have a foothold in the workplace later on when you're not having to spend so much.

I don't think worrying about people taking the piss is a great reason btw. But I do think if he's saying he wants to work, you're wrong to try to prevent him. My DH would never have dreamed of trying to push me into stopping work, even when we were spending a fortune on childcare.

Work is about more than money. He obviously does not wish to be home all day. If you feel really strongly about this, why don't you consider going part time?

Original poster

Momdeguerre · 21/02/2010 15:17

I can't work part time in my role.

I hasten to add, I have not in anyway forced DH to stay at home - he does not like his job or consider it to be a career. He is looking to re-train.

OP posts:

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 21/02/2010 15:17

I agree with the others. In a few years your kids children will start school, and your dh will find himself with worse prospects than when he was working, and may have a hard time finding employment again.

It must be galling for him, if you value his work and his contribution so little to keep asking him this. He has made up his mind, he wants to work. Plenty of women work even though their salaries cover just about the nursery fees, yet they still do. Look upon it as an investment in his future work prospects. When your dc1 is 3, he is entitled to free part time preschool classes, so your nursery fees should come down. When he is 4, he starts reception and you only have ONE child to pay nursery fees for. You can also apply for tax credits.

Lulumama · 21/02/2010 15:17

he has considered it and he does not want to, for very good reasons

you are being unreasonable for expecting him to make such a massive lifestyle change just because you want him to.

if he leaves , surely he is going to have to stay at home until the youngest DC starts school? which is more than a couple of years

have you looked at options such as a CM or nanny or family helping with childcare

perhaps this should have been sorted o ut before DC2 was on the way, especially if you had an expectation that he would do as you asked.

i thikn it is huge request, it could well make his return to the work place very difficult as many women know to their cost and perhaps put him further down teh lower paid career ladder.

i thikn YABU

how woudl you feel if the tables were turned and you felt you were being pushed into this?

TottWriter · 21/02/2010 15:17

It's certainly a tricky one, but if he feels that his masculinity would be in question, don't push the issue too much. It might not be all him - would your PIL make snide remarks? Mine did when my DP gave up work (due to depression, as it happened) and became a house husband, and it was particularly undermining to him.

He might be 'progressive', but how is his self-esteem? If he has a lot of male friends he could be wondering how those friendships would hold up if the less progressive among them started continually mocking him, and how his confidence whould hold up.

So, YANBU to ask him to consider it from a financial perspective, but you do need to consider his emotions before getting too annoyed. After all, he's human too, and men have fears and insecurities too. It's just that they often feel they have to hide them more than women do, or they aren't as masculine.

violethill · 21/02/2010 15:18

You may feel he doesn't like his job, but the message he's giving is that it's preferable to being at home full time.

You need to respect that.

TottWriter · 21/02/2010 15:21

(sorry for the double post) - And actually, as others have pointed out while I was typing, the career break thing is very true too. Due to health reasons I've never had to think about that much, but it is something to give a lot of weight to.

omaoma · 21/02/2010 17:07

It's hard not to feel agrieved about DH's refusing to consider choices that lots of women find much easier to accept for practical reasons (eg, too much trouble with childcare, not enough money, to work). i also earn more than DH but he has always said he would never consider being a house husband; i sympathise with how you feel: why the hell shouldn't he at least consider it? However, it's a two-way street and no woman would want to be forced to stay at home if she wanted to work so just move on and just make sure to agree the terms around dealing with when the little ones are ill are equal!

Mumcentreplus · 21/02/2010 17:28

Yep...you cant force people to do what they dont want to...and I think its actually pretty unreasonable in certain aspects..to expect another person to give up their job no matter how rubbish because you think its best..how about if the boot was on the other foot?

Original poster

Momdeguerre · 21/02/2010 17:37

Hmmm, I don't doubt that there is an element of hormones making me feel a bit more aggrieved about this than I usually would - 34 weeks now and just a month left to go before I finish work.

I think am probably as annoyed by the fact that he has more options than I do. I really don't begrudge him working - I think I just would like to have the luxury of choice myself.

Thanks all for the comments

OP posts:

MrsC2010 · 21/02/2010 17:41

YANBU and YABU. YABU to not accept his decision as gracefully as you would hope he would accept your's were the situation reversed, but YANBU to be annoyed that his attitudes seem so old fashioned. I doubt he would put you off being a SAHM for the same reasons were money not an issue?

ABetaDad · 21/02/2010 17:55

Momdeguerre - YANBU and I agree with what others have said. I used to have a high powered job but DW had higher earning power. I offered to take a more flexible role and have been a house husband for the last 8 years. TBH though your DH has a point. He really has to be happy with the idea to make it work.

His careeer will suffer and sadly it is the case that men who do not go out to work are viewed differently by society in my experience. For example, only a few weeks ago I was judged quite openly and rudely to my face by two women who accused me of being a 'kept man'. It is not the first time it has happened and am fairly used to it now but your DH would find it hard to take. It is also quite a lonely existence and am lucky DW is home with me quiet a bit and have some outside interests. If I was on my own every day I would hardly speak to anyone except DW and the DSs.

Perhaps if he is not happy you could consider nursery or even a nanny share with another parent?

Original poster

Momdeguerre · 21/02/2010 18:16

ABetaDad - thanks for your experience. I would hate for my DH to be unhappy and I don't think I can understand the different dynamics faced by being a stay at home dad.

He is equally resistant to the idea of us having a nanny or using a nursery. His ideal would be for me to change jobs and go part time or, to do what we have done up to now which is work opposing shifts which has been very tough on us as a family.

Luckily we have another 6 months for us to decide!

OP posts:

omaoma · 23/02/2010 18:56

A while since you posted, but I'm intrigued by why he is so resistant to childcare? Feel there may be some personal issues around 'what is right/expected of a family' that would be interesting to get to the root of...almost everybody in the entire world uses childcare at some point, so why is it so 'wrong' for him?

Flip