to think that if we cannot stop people saying offensive things, maybe we should start trying to change our reactions to them so we are not so effended.

[psychomum5]

sorry, yet another thread on offending/offensive terms etc.

I am just thinking after being on the OCD thread (and this is not be getting at it in any way.......it was just a thought while on it IYGWIM).

I had CBT councelling a while back now for driving phobia. It touched on my own OCD tendencies and my issues with my mother and aunt, unfortunately the counceller was being paid by the insurance company to only deal with the car accident tho so we couldn't delve in properly to all my other 'problems', but she did give me one fabulous bit of advice which I want to pass on.

I can never change the person who upsets me or offends me, but I CAN change how I react to them, and how I take what they say.

soooo

as much as my aunt gets to me, it is down to me to either let her, or just realise that she is her, is never going to change, and so let it go, giving her no more power over me.

The biggest job it putting into working practise tho.

I fail at times.............but that doesn;t change the fact that it is sound advice, and something maybe we all should try.

We are NEVER going to get away with being offended. Each and every day we are going to say and do something that to someone out there, is offensive.

in that same way, that someone is going to do the same......do or say something offensive themselves.

so maybe we should all just live and let live....

mind you, MN and AIBU would probably cease to function wouldn;t it.

maybe ignoring me would be best then

I completely agree with you and as someone who mostly balks at confrontation, I avoid situations where I feel it is likely to be an issue. And that is as much about the chance of me having caused offence, (which I hate) as being offeneded.
I can fight my corner, but find there is so much in life to laugh about.

Deeper issues, I can be quietly assertive, but get defensive on other peoples behalves.

I do find it very when people say things that are obviously confrontational and then hide behind the ''oooohhh, can't you take a joke/ some people have got no sense of humour'' bollox.
I don't like people who are deliberately offensive and there are some on MN i also avoid, just as I do in RL.

I try to hide from confrontation in RL too.

strange really because on here I can fight my corner a little more. altho, on here you can read what is said, have time to work out if it is offensive or just 'tongue-in-cheek', and respond accordingly.

In RL, you cannot go over what is said so easily, and in coversation, you can sometimes say things without thinkng through the repercussion as the conversation is going too quickly. (IYGWIM).

Yes, we need to have a thick enough skin to deal with potentially hurtful comments. But that doesn't mean those comments are OK. I think "it was only a joke" is either a cop-out excuse for thoughtlessness or it is disingenous.

completely agree riven. I missed those points in my OP (for that I am sorry).....due to tiredness and still being so damn shuddery.

am glad you home BTW, and that DD is settled after last night.

y daftpunk Sun 21-Feb-10 12:38:05
People have every right to be offended by perceived racist/homophobic/disablist posts...

....but not by being extremely offensive back, that gets them nowhere, and just makes them look like incapable idiots.

yeah whatever makes you feel good

Doesn't make me feel good 2shoes...it makes people look like incapable idiots...like I said..

..You can't complain about someone being offensive by being offensive back...

It's callled double standards.....and is very common on MN.

2shoes you are right.I think there is a real danger in this argument passing the buck from the offender to the person who reacts to the offensive comment.Obviously a nasty response does engage the perpetrator in further dialogue which gives them further space to keep spouting their views.Best to ignore really!Although some things do need tackling regardless of how.I am loving the main offender giving advice though on how to behave in order to not come across as offensive.You have to

noddyholder..

Do you mind if I link you summat..?

Agree with Riven.

Generally on here I expect people to disagree with me as I know I have some quite strong views but that is the point of discussion. I don't think I would get offended if someone called me a horrible name either because noone on here knows me - also if people just use abusive language as a way of conveying their point, they are probably not very articulate or don't have a particularly strong point to make.

I don't think I would ever call someone racist etc just because someone held a minority opinion on a subject (for example, immigration). I hope that I would be more likely to argue with them about the point that they made.

tbh if someone - even one person - actually TELLS you that they find a certain term upsetting, and then you go on using it when you could just use something else at no personal cost to yourself

then you're a cunt

simples

noddyholder it allways makes me think of thissong

2shoes..are you taking the piss out of me..?

Ha!..remember the original post people![smiles] and gets popcorn