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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think my stepdaughter really needs to wear a bra?!

23 replies

MathsMadMummy · 20/02/2010 18:18

My DSD is nearly 12 and in yr7. She has very definite breasts now - I'd say at least a B cup, they are really obvious under t-shirts inc her uniform. But I don't know if it's proper breast tissue or more because she's a bit overweight.

A couple of years ago her nan bought her a few bras, just tweenager elasticated ones (no clasps) but R unsurprisingly found them really uncomfy as her nan had just guessed at the size so they were way too small round her back.

I'm a bit worried she'll be uncomfortable especially doing sport, and as they grow it'll get worse. My DH agrees she really needs to wear a bra now and has approached his ex but she just shrugs it off. She's very embarrassed about girly stuff like periods so refuses to approach it with R or her twin. I was really lucky my mum's the opposite so I had my first bra properly fitted in yr6.

I've made a point of being very open about all this puberty lark with the girls and I'd be more than happy to take R with me while I/we/she got a fitting - or just measure her with a tape so she could keep her top on - and I'd buy her a few bras but I am still very wary that I'm not their mum and I don't want to take over what should be a mother-daughter thing?

Any advice/thoughts would be most welcome!

Cheers,
3m

OP posts:

coldtits · 20/02/2010 18:19

Do it for her. She really sounds like she needs one.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 20/02/2010 18:19

Tell your h to tell his ex if she doesn't get her a bra then you will, or take her shopping and get them for her (which is what I would do.)

differentID · 20/02/2010 18:21

Why not have a chat and see what she wants to do?

Explain you wanted her to be comfortable and feel suported but if she had any questions you would answer them as fully as you can? Do you have a really good relation with the children?

GoddessInTheKitchen · 20/02/2010 18:22

if her mothers not interested then i'd be really surprised if she was bothered by you doing it. if it was me i'd just take her with me into town and buy myself a bra then say 'oh, shall we get you one too?' 'lets both get measured shall we'

kinnies · 20/02/2010 18:22

Yep take her shopping.
Just you and the girls and make it special.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/02/2010 18:23

In the children's department at M&S they have racer back crop tops which are good nipple covers (if you think it just may be buds/fat and not breasts.

DD is nearly 12 and I buy her the 13-14 year old ones. They are really lovely cotton and very soft - 2 for £8.

I might try those first and see if they work before taking her to be fitted.

JaynieB · 20/02/2010 18:25

I used to get the soft ones for my stepdaughter - she was always a bit shy about it but wore them anyway, she's gone into proper bras now and whilst we still don't exactly talk that openly about it I tend to buy her slightly more exciting ones than her Mum! and she wears them, so they must be ok.
I'd try and have a friendly chat with R and ask if she'd like to come shopping with you and get a new bra - she must have noticed them too. If her Mum finds it uncomfortable, R will have a gap in someone to talk to about this, I can sympathise with the wariness about the mother/daughter boundaries, but it sounds like she does need to get some.

pigletmania · 20/02/2010 18:28

Yes do it for her, take her shopping, get her measured and buy a few bras for her. If her mum wont do it than you will have to, as your dh is her dad and you are acting on behalf of him.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/02/2010 18:32

er..get DH to take her. One of them has to become less embarassed about her growing up

My dad took me - it was one of the only really nice things he ever did for me and as a consequence its a really good memory.

Morloth · 20/02/2010 18:39

There are few things more comfortable than a properly fitted bra. Do her a favour and take her for a fitting/shopping day.

I wish I had found out about this before my late 20s, I have humongous norks and used to get the worst back pain.

Original poster

MathsMadMummy · 20/02/2010 18:45

lol lauriefairycake - DH is actually not in the slightest embarrassed by all the girly stuff! He's usually the one who buys me tampons/STs the girls are pretty shy about it as they picked it up from their mum I spose.

having said that he wouldn't have a scooby about what bra to get. R is in the 'dad is soooooo embarrassing' phase atm!

I like the sound of those crop top things, they might be a good transition

OP posts:

MillyR · 20/02/2010 18:50

I was a B cup prior to having children. I never wore a bra at school and rarely wore one after school until I got pregnant in my mid-twenties. I did lots of sport at school and was on the cross country team.

I don't see why she should be uncomfortable. Has she said that her breasts feel uncomfortable? It would be better to find out what she wants and buy her that. She might prefer strappy vests or a crop top.

JaneS · 20/02/2010 19:00

Oh, please do take her and get her fitted with a bra. My mum (who did admittedly take me to get a bra) is very determinedly against 'feminine' stuff, so when I was 13 I had to sneak out to Boots and buy anti-perspirant. I just found it horribly embarrassing, and I bet it's the same for this lass as all the other girls will probably have bras by now. It's no fun going through puberty and having no guidance about what adult women need for their bodies.

Slambang · 20/02/2010 19:00

Agree agree.

But having read a million threads where mums have complained about xh's partner who has overstepped the mark and had the cheek to get the dcs hair cut, feed them the wrong food, buy them the wrong present, give them the wrong treats, tell them the wrong facts of life etc etc, I can only imagine the outrage it would cause if it was the other way round.

(My xh's partner bought dd a bra - she's far too young, it's a special mother daughter moment that I'd been planning for years etc etc etc).

Stand back and watch the fireworks.

Original poster

MathsMadMummy · 20/02/2010 19:28

Exactly Slambang although DHs ex is pretty tolerant of me now (been with DH 7yrs) she does still like to grumble about things. Whatever we decide I'm still going to ask DH to talk to her once more first (and specifically ask if she'd mind us taking R shopping. I have no doubt she'd be happy about us paying lol).

Littlereddragon - yeah that was another concern, I would really feel sad if other girls took the p*, as they have to get changed for PE. I seem to remember in yr7 there were only a very few girls without bras.

OP posts:

nickschick · 20/02/2010 19:32

I dont think you should.

Its for her mum or her dad to do....your dh should speak to his ex and say that she needs underwear if ex wifey isnt receptive he should then ask her if shes ok with you taking dsd then.

elliedodger · 20/02/2010 20:01

I definitely think you take her out shopping. Make a nice girly day of it. My mum and I have never been close, and when I was going through puberty she either didn't notice that I needed a bra or didn't want to bring it up. I was far too embarrassed to ask so had to spend a couple of years wearing baggy sweaters, even in the height of summer. By the time I finally plucked up the courage to ask my mum to take me to M&S I was a 36D . I also had problems wrt shaving and asking for sanitary towels. I was so miserable in my early teens and it gave me a lot of body confidence issues that I still struggle with.

If her mum is embarrassed about this kind of stuff then I think you need to step in and help your DSD. Better that you offend her mum than DSD ending up unhappy during what can be a very difficult time for young girls. She's lucky to have such a caring stepmother.

QOD · 20/02/2010 20:13

Measure her yourself, under the boobs - round the rib cage, and then get her to hold it onto her actual breasts/nipple area. Debenhams were bril, I did this and got a perfect soft cup bra (well 2 pack) for £10
It's not making too big a thing of it, if she is embarassed and shy you cannot take her in to be measured, my dd wouldnt come with me!

MumNWLondon · 20/02/2010 20:18

Maybe go to m&s and buy large variety of sizes, styles including crop tops, etc and leave them for her. Tell her to see whats comfortable, you'll take the rest back and buy more of what she likes?

What colour is her school shirt? - if its white she needs a bra even if not for support!

Also buy some sanitary towels and deo. and still in bag.

Original poster

MathsMadMummy · 20/02/2010 20:36

Just wanted to say thanks for all the comments and ideas - I'll have a chat with DH and see what he thinks.

Cheers

OP posts:

emmymama · 21/02/2010 12:10

i think you should, my step mum took me for my first bra, she also bought me my first tampons and expplained it all to me because my mum wouldnt.

issysmilkbottle · 21/02/2010 14:56

i took my dsd to get measured when she was 12, she definately needed it and i bought her several bra's' deoderant, face wash etc and found a book for teenage girls about growing up and gave that to her, i'd only been with dh about a year but we both knew dsd's mum never and i mean never, took her shopping!

I think you should go for it and take her shopping!

Once she came to us with no underwear at all, apparently she had no pants at all that fitted her so i did a run to our 24hr tesco and bought her a load!

At xmas i did a big sticking full of girly bits including razors etc..

Dsd is 15 next month and i suddenly realised that she's prob not been measured since despite her going shopping with mates etc so i'm going to try and get her in town (not so easy with 13 week dd in tow...) and get her measured again!

diddl · 21/02/2010 15:44

Why can´t you, her & her father go?

If it needs doing and the mother won´t, surely it´s then up to the father?

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