To Want DH To Stand Up To His Ex Wife?

[midori1999]

This is kind of related to a thread I posted the other day. It is causing me alot os stress at the moment that I don't need, as I am pregnant with twins.

DH's ex wife has 'bullied' him for years. Things like refusing to answer the phone to let him speak to the children if he ever doesn't agree to anything she wants him to do, if he says he cannot afford to give extra money (on top of generous maintenance) for school trips, getting the children to ring him and ask, accusing him of not caring about the children and we think bad mothing him to them also if she does not get her own way.

The latest issue is maintenance for DSD. Not DH's biological child, but brought up as his own. DH wants to end maintenance when DSD is 18, but the ex expects it to carry on until 19. Their maintenance is a private agreement, not mentioned in divorce papers nor court ordered, so he could end it any time he wanted and it would be up to the ex to then pursue the matter.

The ex has already tried emotional blackmail. I think DH should stand up to her on this, and end the maintenance when she is 18. He wants to end the maintenance when she is 18, but is mindful of the fact him not agreeing to carry on until DSD is 19 may lead to ex bad mouthing him to the children and making it generally difficult to contact them or see them.

I don't think he can allow his ex to emotinally blackmail him forever, and he has to stand up to her at some point. He is inclined to go along with what his ex wants so he can se the children. AIBU?

he sounds like a decent guy, to be paying maintenance to children who aren't biologically his. he must really love them as his own, and your husband clearly wants to do the right thing. please try to feel 'lucky' you have such a good
husband, and not pissed off about the one year either way. One more year of maintenance isn't worth falling out over.
My children's dad comes to see them whenever he wants and I don't feel I can stop him but he refuses point blank to pay a cent of maintenance. Your husband will be a great father to your twins and will never bail out on them on a whim. they are lucky to have him.

What age are the children from his first marriage now? how long to 'go'?

Life is horrible when people use their children as victims but I'm not sure how your dh is being emotionally blackmailed "forever" if the issue in question is merely carrying on his dsd's maintenance for another year. Only I'm a great believer in choosing battles carefully and think I'd probably not declare hostilities over this one.

Think of things another way. Your dh is not being blackmailed, he is refusing to play his ex-wife's nasty games. In the long run, he will be the parent that retains the respect of his children. He also sounds like a lovely bloke with a real commitment to fatherhood and I'd treasure that, tbh!

At 18, surely his DD can chose for herself whether or not she wants to see him.

I agree, he sounds a lovely guy to continue paying maintenance for her when she is not his biological child and it sounds as if you have been generous.

His XW cant have her cake and eat it.

If you're worried about DSD's reaction to him no longer paying maintenance maybe he could have a talk with her and explain that while his maintenance has ended as she is an adult he will continue to support her and help her out when she needs it.

I am sure with 2 more children on the way she will understand.

I think he could stop paying XW when DSD turns 18 and make his own arrangements directly with his daughter if she feels she needs help and he wants to help her.

Unfortunately there are several mothers out there who use their children as rope in a silly tag or war in order to make their point/ hurt their ExH/ blackmail him etc. and the only ones that trully suffer and are getting scared for life are the children. I find it very difficult how can a mother put her own pettiness before her child's emotional well-being, but there you have it.

I stand to what I said to you the other day: there are 6 more children in this equation to consider. he can stop maintenance tomorrow if he wanted and she can't do shit (aoart from badmouthing him ofcourse) as she's not his child. Do what you must and want, she'll badmouth him either way!

"very difficult to understand"

I agree with Morloth, if he wants to carry on financially supporting her, which I'd want to do if she was at college or uni and it would assist with continuing education, then I'd stop paying mum and start paying DSD instead.

I assume Ex W rationale is that Child Benefit is paid if a child is in full time education until they are 19?

Ex-H (not the most generous of maintenance payers at the outset) asked if he could alter the arrangements when dcs became 18 so that he could pay a monthly allowance directly into their bank accounts. This being conditional of them still remaining in full time education. It worked very well. I was pleased to be released from any sort of financial relationship with ex-h too!

I aksed my ex to pay money directly to his dd, this is now what happens and it is up to them to sort out how long he pays her an allowence - she is over 17 now so can buy all her own stuff.

Maintenence is normally due until the child leaves full time education or turns 19, whichever is sooner.
After that it is at the parents discretion.
I don't understand how your dh can be bullied over this. The child can choose whether or not she sees him, the mother has no hold over him at all.
Tell him to grow some and tell his ex to bog off.

Thanks. We have emailed the ex back and pointed out that the maintenance is a private arrangement and as such DH can chose to end it whenever he choses. Also, that he has been more than genrous over maintenance payments made so far.

We have also sai dthat we will be ending maintenance once DSD is 18, but that we are more than happy to pay a monthly allowance to DSD directly, agreed with her, as we feel this will have more of a direct benefit to DSD.

As for DSD being able to see her dad whenever she wants as she is 18, her mother has a real hold over her and would not think twice about using lines such as 'I'd be left on my own' or similar to stop her coming. On top of which, she can still make it very hard for DH to see his son.