...or is my DH?

[NewDKmum]

So we moved to a Frenchspeaking country in January.

DH works crazy hours. I am at home with DD1 (3.11) and (2.5) full time, no nursery.

I have found myself in charge of all cleaning, cooking, shopping, washing etc.

When I have put the DC's to bed I open my computer and do paid work until I go to bed (apart from a bit of mumsnetting ).

I try not to complain (too much) that DH is not really helping out with settling in etc, but he has now said (not during a row, but in a quiet discussion), that he thinks I do f... all.

Eh? Maybe I should just go away for a weekend with friends, see if he finds it really relaxing...

What does he think you do all day? Eat bonbons and watch Corrie?

Do it. Just pack up and leave for a few days. Just don't expect a clean house or well fed kids when you get back!!!

Talk. Ask him to explain why he thinks you do fuck all. And listen - all the way through, without interrupting Ask him to tell you what he thinks you do not do that he feels you ought to be doing. Make him break it all down for you.

Understand exactly what it is he means by this.

Then you have a starting point. I suspect if he is asked to explain himself, he will find it hard to do!

Good points, thanks. Will be hard with the no interrupting part, though . I will speak to him tonight. Thanks for the support!

It sounds as if a couple of days off are needed.

Is the place sometimes a mess when he gets in?

Not criticising btw.

It often sometimes is here.

Because I´m doing other things with regards to the house that you can´t see iyswim.

Changing beds,washing sheets,ironing,feeding childrenhomework.

Can´t be seen,but takes time from me having the roomlooking tidy.

The no interrupting part is vital. Give him enough rope and all that

No, listen calmly. Don't interrupt. Just ask him to list for you all the things he feels you need to do that you don't. And not in an aggressive way either "WHAT DON'T I DO?"

People make these sorts of statements and then when asked to elaborate, find it impossible to do so, because there's no substance to their claims.

But don't mentally dismiss what he says as he's saying it. Listen and think - is there anything in what he says? And later, when you've discussed what he's raised, and thrashed it all out, tell him all the things you feel he doesn't do that he ought to.

And if he interrupts you, you can say "look, I allowed you to speak without interrupting, I would like you to do the same for me."

heQet, you are very wise and sagely - i would have EXPLODED!! but i think your approach is far more intelligent - let him dig him self a hole and give him a spade to fill it in!

It IS very wise! I will try to follow tonight as I best can...

I do manage to clear away and do the washing up and all before he comes home, so he usually just needs to heat his dinner.

When it's my turn to speak, I will remind him that it would nice if he said thank you for the dinner . Actually, I will probably have to prepare a whole speach

Good luck! Do come back and update, won't you?

Alternatively you can just go out for a whole day, say from 7 - 7 and see how he gets on. I remember when my two were really tiny I went out for an afternoon (to a funeral of all things). Dh's first words when I walked through the door were "how the hell do you manage?"

Heqet's suggestion is fab, but as IndigoSky says if you can't then the leave him to try it route is a good one. If you can't go out, you could be 'ill' stay in bed all day with something that means you can't be interupted by children (migraine maybe).

I was genuinely ill for a month when my dc's were 4, 2 & 1 DH had to be me. The silver lining to being ill was how much DH learnt about my day, he still refers to it now 6 years later.

Marks place for NewDKmum's update.

Marking place as I'd REALLY like to know what happens.

HasHadThisConversationInThePastTiggaxx

Marking place as well.... HeQet speaks sense - but god alone knows where she finds her patience?!

If it had been me I would have exploded the minute it came out of his mouth!! What did you say in reply??

Ask him why nannys (and cleaners) get paid.

Arrgh. Nannies. Shit.

I don't have a lot, really.

You just need to hear in order to understand. So many people don't 'receive' information in a discussion because they are too busy thinking of what they are going to say.

My marriage nearly ended years ago because we failed to communicate over a key issue and for a whole year totally misunderstood each other. It wasn't until we calmly sat down and actually listened to each other that we realised we had totally misunderstood what the other thought and felt.

Now my marriage isn't one to hold up to others as a shining example but I did learn the importance of listening and understanding what the other person actually feels. Not what you think or have decided they feel.

Want to know what happens

Thanks for all your support!

When he said it we were both in a hurry, so I only managed (stunned) to say - "shall we change that to no paid work" as it was part of a discussion whether I could give up my evening job whilst we are abroad. He shrugged, so I could tell he didn't agree.

I do appreciate the privileged position we are in that I can be with my children while they are small, but it would be nice if DH would realise that it's not all a walk in the park (literally ).

I will be back with an update! And if the talk doesn't go well, I will try the going out plan (I might just do that anyway ).

Many thanks!

this comes up with my H sometimes and the only way they will get it is if they look after the kids, but for longer than a day!He's just made me laugh, he is going to take DS swimming tomorrow! Good luck to him.

I keep this joke on the fridge, to remind him!
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud
and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken
glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing,
and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his
day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened
here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come
home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

Hi NewDKmum

Interesting post. My DH - who often works away for up to 2 weeks at a time - often insinuates that I do nothing wound the house. I do - everything pretty much in fact! I only have 1 DS and know how bone shatteringly tiring it can be.

I have left my lo with my dh for a day and he 1) put him in front of the tv while dh was on the internet and 2) put lo in the playpen while he read the paper. Of course, I sorted meals for lo so he didn't need to think and he didn't do any housework or laundry short of unloading the dishwasher. This is why he thinks I do nothing. I think I need to go away for longer ...

Interesting to see how your talk goes. At least you know you are not alone!

Skins LOL at that

HeQet is quite right. Good post.

I had an interesting chat with my DH last night. He's been having difficulties with his business partner over the last year, which look like they've now resolved themselves.

He said 'I looked at his life and couldn't see what he had to worry about - because I was so stressed that the only problems I could imagine were the problems that were stressing me out. I forgot all the things that I do have that he doesn't.' When they both took a step back, they could see they both justifiably had compliants, but they could work them out together.

NewDKmum - did you have that chat in the end?

Sorry for the late update!

Yes, we did sit down and talk. I did mention the remark to DH, and he explained that what he really meant was that it might not be enough for me intellectually to be full time SAHM for a longer period as I have been very careerdriven for a long time. Hmmm, I'm not sure I agree with that, but nice to have it in the clear what he meant.

And the discussion moved onto what we would like from our relationship in the future, what would be best for our family as well as practical issues relating to which country we should live in, in Switzerland where we are now, Denmark our home country, back in the UK or elsewhere as well as other things.

All in all a very relevant discussion, which I feel have brought DH and I closer.

Knowing me, I probably would have just been secretly annoyed with DH if it hadn't been for the sound advice of fellow mumsnetters - nice and supportive, but also very constructive. Many thanks ladies

Thanks for the update. Glad it turned out to be a nice and useful conversation!