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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend of 20 years is Toxic

40 replies

coralanne · 19/02/2010 07:48

Had my 3 DC's staying over last weekend. Made hamburgers for their lunch.

5 star mince for patties, lettuce and tomato from my own garden, multigrain buns, organic eggs.

Chips made from sweet potatoes baked on oven tray. All washed down with a glass of milk.

Friend arived and straight away commented.

"My DD would kill me if I fed her children junk food.

My comment. "Oh well, we can't all be perfect can we."

I have spent 20 years listing to these kind of comments about our own children and I can't believe it's continuing with DGC.

Sorry I guess this is a vent rather than a AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
coralanne · 19/02/2010 23:18

Actully after reading all replies and thinking about this, I guess what pushed my button this time was the mention of her DD.

She has always been put on a pedestal and friend's whole life has revolved around her. Her poor DS has really missed out well and truly over the years.

The sad part about this is that her DD is quite a nice girl but everyone runs a mile when they see the parents because they know they will get an earbashing about how wonderful and perfect DD is.

OP posts:
Original poster
coralanne · 19/02/2010 23:28

God know wht happened there. I'm sure you all wanted to read this reviting information twice. Let's blame the computer.

OP posts:
jasper · 19/02/2010 23:42

Toxic? That's a bit harsh. Misguided and pass remarkable perhaps

ninah · 19/02/2010 23:45

dunno about your friend but the lunch sounds scrummy

groundhogs · 19/02/2010 23:50

yeah, I'll be sending my 4yo DS round, he'll eat you out of house and home!!!

Original poster
coralanne · 20/02/2010 09:58

Jasper ,on the surface it does sound rather harsh.

I guess it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm the only friend she has left because of her weird ways. But like I said I do try to remember all the good things she has done. Unfortunately they seem to be getting less
and less.

She has a stepdaugher who went off the rails when she was a teenager.

Friend really believes it ws because the mother worked part time and wasn't a SAHM mum.

Stepdaughter's mum also played netball. This was also attributed to daughter's downfall.

She truely believes that once you have children, your own life is over.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 20/02/2010 10:10

You need to weigh up her good points and her bad points. How would you feel if you didn't see her any more? Would you be very upset? Or actually relieved...

Then either stop seeing her or reduce it a lot.

Or continue as usual but accept what she is like and make rolly eyes in your head when she starts up.

I suspect that chalenging her generally will cuase more trouble than not. but I also think you should have said something about the "junk food". What, I don't know, as you don't want to end up justifying/defending yourself either, which is what would have happened if you had started explaining about the meal.

Sometimes internal rolly eye stuff is the only way, unfortunately.

majafa · 20/02/2010 14:58

Sparkletastic - quote 'that was a hurtful and unnecessary thing to say'
If theres ever a next time, which at this moment in time is unlikley, I hope I can remember to say that..
Instead of just sitting there not knowing what to say..

majafa · 20/02/2010 15:00

Sorry Corralanne - Lunch sounds scrumptious

jasper · 20/02/2010 22:09

"She truely believes that once you have children, your own life is over."

she kind of has a point

boolifooli · 21/02/2010 09:36

I've just had to let go of a friend who had this and a whole host of other habits etc which made the 'friendship' too uncomfortable for me to even do small talk anymore. The thing is, even if you were feeding your kids a Greggs sausage roll with a CurlyWurly her self righteous digs should be kept to the confines of her own mind unless it was vital that she say something i.e. your grandkids had scurvy or were malnourished. I had years of put downs, digs, jabs over everything but for so long I told myself I was being sensitive. Eventually I realised that none of my other friends were making me constantly feel this uncomfortable and I had to be honest with myself that I actually no longer liked her. Ex friend didn't take too well to me telling her that I didn't want to spend time with her anymore, but I was careful to keep it neutral and didn't mention the specific things that made me want to keep well away from her, her subsequent actions have been particularly vindictive which totally confirms my longstanding doubts about her. I had hoped to just phase out of it but she actually asked me if I was avoiding her or something. I think I knew that she would get nasty so I was keen to avoid the backlash but sadly I didn't manage that but I'm free of it now thankfully and can concentrate on the friends who aren't point scoring and only happy to pull me down.

As you say this is clearly no one off and you feel differently about this friendship than you would a normal, healthy one. I spent two years trying to bury the issue one way or another and believe me, it won't work. Either keep her at at least arms length or tell her you don't want to spend time with her, but don't let it continue because it can affect your own happiness over time. If you're like me you accept people how they are and try to get on with everyone and it's been really unpleasant for me to have to accept that she is actually harmful to me, and that there are individuals out there with very real emotional/mental problems and yes, they are happy when they are making others feel insecure and inferior. Even now it seems crazy, but these people do actually exist, it's a real problem for many people but because these people deliberately pick others that are generally easy going and straight forward they often go unchecked because the other person assumes it's just them for the longest time, and all the while their self confidence is being bashed. Horrible, horrible stuff really.

Anyways, I hope you manage to stem the negativity that this woman brings into your life sooner rather than later. You deserve kind and supportive friends like anyone does.

X

boolifooli · 21/02/2010 10:38

I've just had to let go of a friend who had this and a whole host of other habits etc which made the 'friendship' too uncomfortable for me to even do small talk anymore. The thing is, even if you were feeding your kids a Greggs sausage roll with a CurlyWurly her self righteous digs should be kept to the confines of her own mind unless it was vital that she say something i.e. your grandkids had scurvy or were malnourished. I had years of put downs, digs, jabs over everything but for so long I told myself I was being sensitive. Eventually I realised that none of my other friends were making me constantly feel this uncomfortable and I had to be honest with myself that I actually no longer liked her. Ex friend didn't take too well to me telling her that I didn't want to spend time with her anymore, but I was careful to keep it neutral and didn't mention the specific things that made me want to keep well away from her, her subsequent actions have been particularly vindictive which totally confirms my longstanding doubts about her. I had hoped to just phase out of it but she actually asked me if I was avoiding her or something. I think I knew that she would get nasty so I was keen to avoid the backlash but sadly I didn't manage that but I'm free of it now thankfully and can concentrate on the friends who aren't point scoring and only happy to pull me down.

As you say this is clearly no one off and you feel differently about this friendship than you would a normal, healthy one. I spent two years trying to bury the issue one way or another and believe me, it won't work. Either keep her at at least arms length or tell her you don't want to spend time with her, but don't let it continue because it can affect your own happiness over time. If you're like me you accept people how they are and try to get on with everyone and it's been really unpleasant for me to have to accept that she is actually harmful to me, and that there are individuals out there with very real emotional/mental problems and yes, they are happy when they are making others feel insecure and inferior. Even now it seems crazy, but these people do actually exist, it's a real problem for many people but because these people deliberately pick others that are generally easy going and straight forward they often go unchecked because the other person assumes it's just them for the longest time, and all the while their self confidence is being bashed. Horrible, horrible stuff really.

Anyways, I hope you manage to stem the negativity that this woman brings into your life sooner rather than later. You deserve kind and supportive friends like anyone does.

X

boolifooli · 21/02/2010 11:17

apologies for double post.

boolifooli · 21/02/2010 11:31

apologies for double post.

Original poster
coralanne · 21/02/2010 23:56

Thanks boolifooli. Thinking back over all responses, I think my original thought was right. She is toxic.

She not only criticises me but also my family.

Her mother also criticises my family and my DD's family.

I think I will keep my distance from now on.

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