to be annoyed at the way people gossip about other people possibly being pregnant?

[LadyRabbit]

I am probably more than likely being really hormonal here. But... my MIL, while lovely, is a huge gossip, and her best friend just as bad. They stayed recently, and while I did my best to cover up the fact that I was only 7 weeks pregnant at the time, she came over for dinner last night and spent the whole time going on about how she and her friend, and my SIL, all think I'm pregnant. She loves a drink, bless her ( I have never seen her consume less than a bottle of wine a night, every night) and gets upset when people don't join her. Me and DH have been fobbing her off with our 'new year's health kick'. She knows I have had some traumatic MCs which made me very nervous about conceiving again, but she goes on at length about when she will be a grandmother. (To be fair, so does my own mother). Because I actually want to keep this pregnancy private until we get past the point of previous losses, and after all tests/screening etc., I have no intention of telling her for a while yet. Or my mother, who, while I was 2 days into my first miscarriage kept going on at length about the beautiful baby she had just seen, fully aware of what was happening to me.

What is it with people who think they can just go on and on at you about something that is for some of us a very emotive issue. I am scared of another loss a lot of the time and haven't really started to enjoy this pregnancy, and rather than just leave it alone they feel the need to grill you at length about 'are you trying?' 'any luck yet?' bla bla. I feel like I'm being watched very closely like a medical specimen. I probably sound like a lunatic, but it's making me not want to tell anybody anything until the baby is born.

DH is very good at supporting me, but being a bloke is a little impervious to female gossip etc. Sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling a bit cross and have to endure another dinner this evening where I will have to field the inevitable questions about not having wine. Aargh. I just wondered if anybody else has dealt/is dealing with this. And if anyone kept a lid on their pregnancy for a while.

It's normal that she might be trying to guess if you were or you weren't, but to try and forcibly extract a confession from you before you are even 8 wks is FAR too intrusive. I wouldn't even try to make my best friend 'admit' to be being pregnant like that. I'd want her to want to tell me.

I think speculation behind people's backs is parr for the course tbh, but to come right out and say "are you pregnant?" is unreasonable, because the person has two choices. Either lose their privacy before they're ready, or be a 'liar'.

So, whilst I often wonder if an announcement is imminent, I never come out and ASK!!

Congratulations!

Stick to your guns and don't tell them anything if you're not ready. If they push, just tell them they're being very personal and prying into your private lives and it's making you uncomfortable. They probably don't realise how it's making you feel.

If that doesn't work, then "mind your own bloody business" usually does the trick!

I hope it all goes well for you X

YANBU. If they're this bad, can you think of an excuse to terminate the visit? Considering all you've been through, I'm sure no-one here would think that unreasonable.

Best wishes

Congratulations

You are being a leetle bit sensitive, but in the circumstances I think you're allowed.

With the wine thing I've used the following:

1. Pour a similar coloured soft drink into your glass in the kitchen and top up when you go in to "check on dinner"

1. Pour a glass of wine, but also have a glass of water to sip from at the table and carry the wine around with you and tip a good slosh down the sink whenever you go into the kitchen.

Obviously you should buy crap wine if using the latter!

Congratulations! And sorry for your previous losses.

I do think you're being a little unreasonable. MIL sounds tactless but she is just excited and will undoubtedly be delighted when you tell her the news.

Its not that she's being unkind just a bit thoughtless.

I do think I can generally tell when someone's pregnant but don't press it and wait for an announcement but then I'm terribly polite .

I'd try and avoid her though until you're ready to tell her the news.

just pour the wine and don't drink it / swap glasses with dh every so often. nobody will notice.

i can see how you would feel very sensitive about this, but she is probably quite excited. how many weeks are you now?

YANBU

I really can't understand why people do this.

If someone wants you to know that they're pregnant they'll tell you.

In your particular circumstances it is very sad that people can't just leave you alone and keep their suspicions to themselves.

TBH I'd be inclined to see as little as possible of people who are prepared to grill you like this until such a time as you are happy to "come clean".

Oh, and congratulations

Stick to your guns.

After my m/c I didn't tell some people at all. The first they knew was a text to say ds2 had been born.

I have sympathy for you. I've also MC'd in the past and I've felt great about keeping this current pg as quiet as possible. Only family know, but not all relatives. Only a few v v close friends know I'm expecting. All the local mums I know have no idea I'm pg just now with baby no2. I intend to keep in that way for as long as I can get away with (like Fab, ideally until the baby is born). I'm almost half way now but still cautious, and won't be reassured all is well until the baby is born and checked over and I can see for own eyes that he or she is healthy and well. Sad but true.

Agree with PPs, just keep changing the subject and avoid baby related talk. It's no one else's business if you are pg just now.

congrats btw, and hope you also have a v healthy pg. it's such a stressful and anxious time.

Thanks for your thoughts! In between constant nausea and mind numbing tiredness I wonder if I am going a little mad at the moment. I'm 9+4 at the moment, obviously holding out for 12 weeks before I can even begin to relax!! My MIL will be beside herself with excitement when we tell her, and is going to be a wonderful granny, so traceybath you're right saying she's not being unkind, just thoughtless. The thing is, she has told me some very personal things about my SIL that frankly I don't think I should know and certainly didn't ask to know about, and that makes me think that she is quite happy to chat to people about what my DH and I have had happen. I'm pretty open about most things, but this feels incredibly precious and every day I keep going without any loss is a milestone for me at the moment.

skidoodle - yeah, I figure with most things in life if it's something important people want you to know, they'll tell you.
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 I like your style, I might try that text thing!

Thanks all, I have no one but DH to talk to about this at the moment, so your advice is invaluable.

YANBU
I find this annoying at the best of times. In your situation it must be so much harder.

When my MIL kept going on, I told her in no uncertain terms that we weren't trying until after a certain date so stop asking/dropping hints. She got the message. Maybe you should just have a quick sharp word (or get DH to do it?)

YANBU - I get very sensitive about this, I had a mc two and a half years ago that close friends knew about, since then I have felt like I have to drink to prove I'm not pg, when I did get pregnant again I knew I actually had to tell one friend otherwise whe would just ask if I was or say to her husband (who I work with I was). Needless to say I mc'd again, It sucks. People might say you're being 'oversensitive' but the emotional recovery from mc is difficult enough without having to deal with the gossip of others, no matter how well intentioned.

But many congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all goes well for you. How many weeks are you now?

sorry just saw you are 9+4! Ignore me

If she thinks you're trying then let her think.... I wasn't drinking for a few months because I'd read loads of articles that it would increase my chances of conceiving by up to 30% and so, to close family, I'd say I'd given up the booze because we were TTC. Then when I fell PG, no one questioned the non drinking at all, assuming we were still just TTC. So let her go on and on and on about you TTC if she wants to... you can just smile sweetly because you know your special secret ;)

PS. She is being monstrously insensitive though - I didn't want to go without adding that!

bluecheese, thats a great idea - surely no-one can say anything if you say "no alcohol, ttc"?

YANBU. Nor are you being oversensitive imho. I am sorry for your previous losses.

I tried to keep my previous pregnancy quiet until at least 12 weeks, but ended up having to seak to occy health at work as I had been called for my MMR. Someone overheard me and proceeded to spill to everyone t work, including close friend who was very hurt I hadn't told her. I really don't understand why some people don't respect how private this is.

Thanks for all the tips re. hiding wine etc.! Really useful, I shall try it at a big family do we have to go to in a few weeks' time. Coz nobody but DH knows, I only have you nice ladies to bother with this so thanks for taking the time to reply.

LittleSilver I can't believe that happened to you. I would be bloody livid. I know in some ways a baby is a community thing, but if you ask me pregnancy is a deeply private matter, whether you have a dodgy pregnancy history or not.

Grrr! Is it a bird thing? I'm probably prone to a bit of gossip myself, but my DH called me today because he'd been listening to some women at work in full gossip/bitching mode, and said 'please let this baby be a boy!'