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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being a mug RE: DD?

26 replies

BoredofSnow · 18/02/2010 11:06

Either he's being a mug or I'm being cruel.

1st incident:

DD asks if she can go over to "Sarah's" after school. I say "yeah sure, where does she live?"
DD clamps up and looks uncomfortable before answering "I don't know".

DH says "what do you mean you don't know? you must know where you're going? how are you getting there?" DD answers "I'm walking home with her after school. She did tell me her address but I've forgotten".

My alarm bells start ringing. DH smiles and says "ok sweetheart, just text us when you get there".

So, friday night, 8pm ... still no txt. DH tries to phone her. Phone switched off. I begin panicking. 9pm we get a text saying she is going to be late but not too late.

9.20pm she walks in the door. We then had this conversation:

me - "so, where did she live?"
DD - "what?"
me - "where did she live??"
DD - "I can't remember"
DH - "You must remember! you've just been!"
DD - "oh stop going on" somewhere off Almond road"
DH - "oh right! towards town centre or tesco?"
DD - "what?"
DH - "did she live near the town centre or towards Tesco??"
DD - looks panicked "what are you on about?"
me - "DID SHE LIVE NEAR TESCO??"
dd - "I don't understand what you're on about"

DH says "never mind, its bed time anyway"

FFS?! surely I'm not BU to think something doesn't add up here?

We never did find out where she lived.

2nd Incident

I come downstairs and catch DD with the bottle of baily's from the fridge open in her hands. She immediately panicks and almost drops it. I asked what she was doing and she said "just smelling it, I like the smell" DH thought this was funny.

3rd incident.

We all went out for the day, all except DD who didn't want to go. In the morning, DH had left an open bottle of lager in the fridge. When we got back, it had gone. DD was the only person in the house. DH prefers the explanation that it simply disapeared.

"She doesn't even like lager" he said "it can't of being her".

4th Incident.

We catch her trying to watch the porn channels on sky. She panicks, goes bright red, shouts that she'd sat on the remote and they'd come up themselves before storming out and slamming the door. Obviously embarrassed. DH said "aww I think she genuinly did sit on the remote, it's easily done".

5th incident.

Her room stinks of smoke. DH goes in, tries to find the cause. Comes out deciding that the radiator smells a bit funny

Oh. and in the search history on the pc I found:

"kids having intercorse" and "sex pictures" etc.

AIBU to think our DD could be heading slightly in the direction of "off the rails" and DH is too blind to see a thing??

OP posts:
crazycrazy · 18/02/2010 11:08

What age is your DD?

Original poster
BoredofSnow · 18/02/2010 11:08

Sorry, she's 13.

OP posts:
tethersend · 18/02/2010 11:10

How old is DD?

If she's 5, you've a completely different situation on your hands

tethersend · 18/02/2010 11:10

x post

magentadreamer · 18/02/2010 11:10

I can imagine the exact same convo's going on with my Ex about my Dd. I'd say that your Dd is up to something but perhaps not going off the rails 100%

Trifle · 18/02/2010 11:12

How old is she, I presume (at least hope) a teenager. I think you're both being mugs, how on earth can you let a child go to a 'friend's' house that you have never previously heard of or know where she lives nor set any boundaries of when you expect her to come home. Just because your dp goes along with her explanations doesnt mean you have to. Start talking to her, find out what is going on and start questioning her reasons.

Original poster
BoredofSnow · 18/02/2010 11:14

The thing is this is all the same stuff I used to do as a kid.

"mum, I'm going to Stacey's house" when really I was going somewhere completely different.

So I know the signs immediately. Same with the drink etc but I know how this progresses and I don't want her going any further down this road.

OP posts:
tethersend · 18/02/2010 11:19

Don't be tempted to over compensate for DH's naivety by coming down on her like a ton of bricks, though- respond as you want to, rather than doing the opposite of him IYSWIM...

ImSoNotTelling · 18/02/2010 11:19

Yes she is deffo up to something. Her excuses are completely normal as is your DHs inclination to accept them unquestioningly. I mean obviously he would rather think that his little baby girl had sat on the remote rather than she was trying to watch porn!

i think you need to sit down with your DH and list the things to him as you have with us and get him to see that all of these things add up to she is up to stuff that she doesn't want you to know about.

How you deal with that then you can do it as a united front.

Rejessta · 18/02/2010 11:26

Oh dear, this does sound all too familiar.

She's 13, she's testing the limits and breaking rules. That doesn't mean she's "going off the rails", we all did similar things, but I would stamp down extremely hard on not knowing where she is. The smoking and sneaking drinks is all little girl naughty and probably quite hard to stop - though it pays to let her know that you know and that you are not OK with it - but going out when you don't know where she is and remaining uncontactable is risky.

I don't want to tell you how to raise your child but in your shoes I would explain to her that she does not go out unless you know where she will be and that when she is out she has to be contactable and that it is her responsibility to ensure that her phone is fully charged and on at all times. If she doesn't pick up when called I'd ground her for a month with no pocket money.

ImSoNotTelling · 18/02/2010 11:31

In the meantime.

Change your setting on the tv to no porn or password protected.
Do something with your stash of booze. I think if DD was tucking into booze in the house at that age I would get rid/put it somewhere she coudn't get at it.

Of course you won't be able to stop her doing stuff if she is determined (short of locking her in the house!) but you can make it harder for her.

blacksmith · 18/02/2010 11:32

afraid to say that sounds exactly like me when i was 13, and yes i was off with boys, smoking and drinking, nothing to do with peer pressure, just curiosity

i've no advice i'm afraid, apart from talking to her. my parents went the other way, no talking and tried to be even stricter. the result - it made me even more devious, and didn't stop me doing anything i wanted, my friends and i lied and covered for each other

but maybe if you try to talk to her and explain that you can see she's interested in these things, or maybe joke that you were a bit sneaky with your parents on occasion when you didn't want them to know where you were going - perhaps she'll see that she's not fooling you

sorry, this is really not what you want to hear is it

but eitherway pretending its not happening is not the solution, but talking might be a start

good luck

Amapoleon · 18/02/2010 11:35

I can imagine my dh being like this in the future.

ImSoNotTelling · 18/02/2010 11:44

My DH will definitey be like this. No question. Even now if I mention about in the future the girls going to the pub he looks distraught

I was more like OPs daughter so hopefully I'l spot it if she gets up to anything...

scratchet · 18/02/2010 11:45

I was like this at 13, probably worse. When my parents tried to disipline me i got worse.

Perhaps if they had tried to talk to me and compromise i may not have been as bad.

PorphyrophillicPixie · 18/02/2010 11:50

Could be going off the rails, could be just curious. The sex thing is what I'd be more worried about, if she's relatively responsible then she would drink for a few years and then realise how stupid it actually is to get paraletic! My drinking phase lasted two/three years. But with sex, she could easily make a mistake that she'll regret for the rest of her life. How is your relationship with her? Can you talk to her openly?

thehillsarealive · 18/02/2010 11:56

oh lawks this is the part of parenthood that I am dreading.

it sounds a bit like me when i was 14/15, smoking, drinking. I did grow out of it though, but easily could have been led down the drugs/boys route.

Talk to her and try not to judge her - but at the same time dont be a soft touch.

Eglu · 18/02/2010 15:52

Your DH is seriously blinkered.

Does he believe she is still an innocent 5 yo or something

ChristianaTheSeventh · 18/02/2010 15:57

Message withdrawn

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 18/02/2010 16:04

"Kids having intercourse"?

Your dh is being too soft iyo and the main problem is he is undermining you when you tackle her about it.

duchesse · 18/02/2010 16:13

Something is going on, and your DH is being naive. The not remembering where her mate lives would be a deal-breaker to after school stuff for me.

YANBU

nickelbabe · 18/02/2010 16:14

your DH is being stupid and soft.

it is normal behaviour for a 13-year-old, but you really have to have a talk with her about letting you know where she is, or she won't be allowed out.

i know my big sister used to go all sorts of places without my parents ever knowing, but she was a fool.
i was allowed to do basically anything i wanted, but i always let my parents know where i was.

victoriascrumptious · 18/02/2010 16:18

I'd personally be most worried about the kids having intercourse thing. The least of your worries being if she's looking at that sort of stuff on your PC you could have the police at your door and you or DH could get accused of accessing it. Password protect your PC now.

Also I dont think its unreasonable to keep a tighter rein on her at that age-God knows who she's meeting up with.

diddl · 18/02/2010 16:28

Have you any idea at all where she might be going?

Bit sad that she can´t tell you the truth.

janeite · 18/02/2010 16:33

YABU to blame your dh. You are both her parents and parenting is a joint job, therefore.

You shouldn't have let her go out if you didn't know where she was going. Just because dh gave in doesn't mean that you should have given in too.

You need to sit down with your dh and agree some rules/guidelines/non-negotiables and then present them to your dd as a united front imho.