To think some people are unfair to their inlaws

[swanandduck]

Have been reading through old threads on this forum and, while some of them describe outrageous liberties or rudeness from mothers in law, can I just say, at the risk of being flamed, that some people seem to be ridiculously sensitive to any perceived 'interference' from their dh's parents. Obviously incidents where someone describes their daughter in law's adopted brother as not 'real' family, or completely restyles a granddaughter's hair without permission are unacceptable. But posts complaining bitterly about loving grandparents wanting to buy presents for the children or take them to the pantomime or cut a micro centimetre from the end of their hair rather than upset the child by pulling a comb through the tangles make me feel quite sad. Surely one of the great things about being a grandparent is that you get to indulge and spoil the kids a little, in a way that you could not do when your own children were little. My parents were reasonably strict but they never stopped my grandmother taking us off into town to have a bit of fun buying cheap junky toys, or giving us chocolate biscuits, or inviting us round for 'parties' consisting of all the rubbish kids love to eat. It didn't change the way I was brought up by my parents, but it left me with great memories of a lovely lady who died when I was nine. I am so glad my parents didn't go on with 'no, chocolate biscuits are bad for them', 'they've enough toys, all that junk is just taking up space' etc. I know they're 'our' kids but they're also part of a wider family and, for grandparents in particular, are the most important people in the world next to their own children. My entire family went on a holiday together last Summer to celebrate my parent's 50th anniversary in the seaside town where they lived when they were first married. My father, who is in poor health and aware he may not have that much time with his grandchildren, was not allowed by my sister in law to buy his grandsons an ice cream cone to eat on the beach even though he was obviously dying to. I really felt like saying to her 'would you give him a break, for crying out loud'. He also absolutely loves giving his grandchildren exciting Christmas presents. I don't mind, but my mother is constantly apologising nervously to my sister in law (this wasn't my idea, Bill insisted).
I just think people could cut their inlaws (it's usually the in laws who get this kind of criticism) some slack and let them enjoy being grandparents without being constantly afraid of treading on toes.
And yes, I do have children and I do have in laws and I'm not perfect but I really try to relax and let my parents in law feel like a part of my kids' lives and enjoy being able to indulge them a little without being afraid of causing an atmosphere.
Anyway, I'm not saying all of the criticism against in laws on here is unjustified, and realise that mums can be more open with their own mum while having to bit their tongue with parents in law which might explain why they vent so much on here, but seriously - give some of them a break. They're just trying to do their best.

interesting point of view littlereddragon but my MIL drives me more crazy than my mum - I think I have a real relationship with my Mum and it's a bit forced with MIL. If I wasn't married to her son, we would have absolutely nothing in common!

I don't have a particularly good relationship with my MIL, despite knowing her for over 33 years now. It is not through lack of effort on my part, she has always been invited to attend important and not so important events, such as helping to choose things for our wedding, coming with my mum and me to wedding dress fittings, as well as many, many events since DCs arrived. sadly, she has rarely accepted any of my invites and on the odd occasions she does, there is always a reason why she has to leave early. There have been plenty of other issues as well but DH assures me it is her, not me. She is an odd woman. So, I have had plenty of instances where I could complain about her, but despite all that, I do tend to agree with the OP. I feel so sad for the GPs who are slated on here for something as minor as what present they give the GC, or giving them a biscuit or whatever. The relationship between a grandparent and grandchild should be one where they spoil each other. I had a wonderful relationship with my GP's, both sets, and my DCs have the same quality of relationship with my mum. Sadly, MIL, though we see her, has kind of chosen to opt out of that sort of relationship with my two. I would so have loved it if she had ever, just once, actually bought my kids a present for Christmas or birthday, however 'unsuitable', rather than the ever present cheque.

Well said swanandduck.Most grandparents just want to enjoy their dgc.It is especially horrid when d-i-l's own mother is given free rein.I am so blessed in my loy I feel sorry for a lot of my generation who 'cant do right for doing wrong'everything is either too much or not enough.Mothers of sons should look to the future I think.

i do agree. a mil/dil is rather an odd relationship, you both love the same man (albeit in a different way ) but unlike a mother daughter relationship you have no shared history. you both have to learn that there is another woman in your mans life that you have no control over.
my mil get on ok, but i have over the years learnt to keep my mouth shut!
i vent to dh but never to mil, i don't want my 'issues' to get in the way of our relationship.
she has very old fashioned ideas of child rearing, but i have to remind myself that the last time she had anything to do with babies was 30 odd years ago when dh was born.
most comments i've had though have been about my bf ds till he was 14 months, the money that my own parents spend on the dc and her insistance on spoon feeding dd even though she is 3!

I envy those of you with good relationships with your mils - sadly my experience and many of my friend is of poisionous old shrews! (and that is the polite version)

YABU

My MIL was hideous but i have always tolerated her. At first we were barely on speaking terms due to her controlling behaviour and inability to let go of DH. We stood up to her, though, and many years later we actually get on alright. She is still abit aggressive but that is her personality and nothing personal. My kids all have a good relationship with her and I think it is a good lesson to them that people are all different but can get on if they comprimise (which MIL has had to do).

I think things were tough for us at first as MIL expected to be very heavily involved and number one always in her sons life. That doesn't work when you are married with kids. Things improved when she got a job and a dog so DH wasn't the only thing in her life anymore (she is married though).

I do agree with the op, even though I've come on here and vented about my mil in the past.

Having a bad relationship with her feels so cliched it makes me cringe!

However - I don't want to talk to dh about it, because I don't want it be the cause of bad feeling between us. I will not talk to friends in RL about it because it would mean having the conversation infront of the dcs (hugely inappropriate imo).

The prob between me and my mil is not about gifts for the dcs or chocolate biscuits (I wish it was actually). The good ole mn shoulder-to-cry-on has been an absolute lifesaver in the past.

I've acknowledged the fact that some of the threads about in laws are about issues that are genuinely unacceptable and unfair. My concern, though, is the expectations that some DILs seem to have of their PILs.Bascially, some people seem to feel that their in laws should completely butt out where their grandchildren are concerned or are knock them back and criticise them every time they want to treat or indulge the children and I think this is hurtful and unfair to many well meaning and loving grandparents. Some of them just can't seem to do right for doing wrong. If they show a lot of interest in the DGC they are 'taking over', if they back off completely they are 'ignoring' them. If they try to give a hand they are 'interfering'. If they stand back they are 'unhelpful'. Like others on here I wonder what will happen when these DILs become MILs themselves. Will they be the paragons of non interference but appropriate involvement that they expect their own MILs to be. Or will Grandmumsnet be full of threads about unreasonable daughters in law who go tightlipped everytime a present is produced and throw hissy fits if Grandma gets to do something 'first' with the children.