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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Not Want To Be Expected To Support DSD Through University?

19 replies

midori1999 · 17/02/2010 19:52

DH's ex wife is now 'not speaking' to him and has called him 'irresponsible', as he has today said that he will have to alter maintenance once DSD is 18 (DSD is not his biological child, but he treats her as she is, hence the maintenance paid, he also pays maintenance for DSS) and when asked by ex wife said we do not expect to finacially support DSD through university.

We are comfortably off, but not well off. I have three children from aprevious marriage, and am expectign twins and should any of those wish to go to university, I would expect them to get a job/student loan and pay for it themselves, at least as much as they were able to, just as I would have done if I had chosen to go to university, and my sister had to.

We're not saying that we wouldn't help DSD out occasionally, or if she (or adults as she would be) need to learn to support themselves and be independant.

The whole situation has really pissed me off tbh...

OP posts:

thehillsarealive · 17/02/2010 19:54

i thought maintenance stopped after 18 anyway. Or when they left school.

sorry, not much help in matters like this.

I dont think you are being unreasonable though.

Longtalljosie · 17/02/2010 20:07

Does your DH's income affect her grant application?

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/02/2010 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2010 20:13

It's really important that he financially disestablish from her so that she can get full loans - if she can't because of his income then yes, I think you should provide as a family (only because it will be the same for the other children).

It would be awful for her if he couldn't afford to go because of his income and then had to sit and watch all the other children get to go.

Allidon · 17/02/2010 20:23

I agree with the others that if your DSD (or your DSS when it comes to it) loses out on part of her loan due to your DH's income, then you should make up that lost amount for her. I don't think you should be expected to go beyond that though if you are not going to be doing it for your other children. If the ex thinks that's not enough then she can give her DD extra if she chooses.

BAFE · 17/02/2010 20:31

YANBU - I have no money to fund university so if my own (biological) dcs want to go to university they will have to self-fund.

Original poster

midori1999 · 17/02/2010 20:32

The fact is, we simply can't afford to support her. We don't even own our own house because Dh's ex wife got their house and he took on a lot of debt she ran up during their marriage and got a loan to pay for work to be done on the house and central heating put in etc. and we had to pay that off prior to buying a house. (we live in forces accomodation)

I am not entirely sure how the student loan system works or how DH's earnings ,may effect that? Is there a website?

Thanks.

OP posts:

mummygirl · 17/02/2010 20:37

According to CSA maintenance stops at 16 if they leave school then or 18 only if they're in full time education until then. I'm not what's the story legally if she goes to uni.

However, with DSD NOT being his biological child, law has NEVER expected you DH to pay maintenance for her. I say his ex should be counting her blessing, this was very generous of both of you for all these years.

I wouldn't pay MY children's way through university either. There are a lot of other ways to support her rather than a monthly check, which will probably not teach her much about life anyway.

And you have to focus on the people who NEED this money now (i.e. the kids that live with you). Your moral and legal obligation is towards them first. I'm not saying don't give DSD a penny, if you can help her go ahead, but ex wife has to understand that this is between you and DSD now and getting pissy isn't gonna get her anywhere. Not to mention she's out of order.

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 17/02/2010 20:41

IIRC, it's the household income that is taken into account when assessing a child for grants and loans -that is, the household in which the child lives. That should mean that your DH's earnings won't be counted when assessing his DSD. Hope this helps.

this is the website

AuntieMaggie · 17/02/2010 20:43

Depends what the agreement was between the parents - my parents agreed to maintenance for as long as we were in fulltime education so as I went to uni my father had to pay until I graduated. Or he should have done.

Yes she will have to provide both her parents income (as will your own children) on loan and grant applications and they will affect how much she receives.

maxpower · 17/02/2010 20:47

YANBU - I think some posters are missing the point that he is not her biological father. IMO I think he's done more than enough by paying maintenance for his step children.

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/02/2010 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mummygirl · 17/02/2010 20:54

he might do and that's great, however he doesn't HAVE to support her through uni, and there's another 6 children in the equation

JeMeSouviens · 17/02/2010 20:56

YANBU, looking at the student finance pages on the directgov link it isn't clear which household is taken into account. It keeps mentioning parents income and their households. Stuffed if they think that a SC can benefit from 2 household incomes where as a BC can only benefit from one.

I know that if our DC wish to go to university, I'll probably keep working to help them out specifically. But if DH's DD chooses to go, I don't see how our household income should be taken into account on her application. Neither should DH be solely responsible for helping his DD through university either.

If our circumstances don't change in the next 8yrs, then I'd probably suggest we pay half of whatever maintenance amount we are paying by that age, or meet her mothers contribution pound for pound.

Original poster

midori1999 · 17/02/2010 21:06

It does appear from the website that it is the hosuehold, and therefore resident parent's income which will be taken into account, as it mentions their spouse or partners income will also be taken into accoutn and I can't see they would take a non resident step parents income into account?

DH does see his SD as his own daughter, and she does not know he is not her biological father (on her mothers wishes, which she will nto budge on despite DH feeling DSD has a right to/should know). He does not want to treat her any differently to his son, but that doesn't change the fact that DH would not have been legally obliged to pay anything. I wholey agree that he has paid maintenance so far though.

I am now really pissed off as DH has now told me the ex called him irresponsible because we are having a baby together (obvously twins were co-incidental) and he obviously didn't consider his existing children when I got pregnant! She left him FFS, did she expect he'd never move on with his life?!

OP posts:

scaredoflove · 17/02/2010 21:07

My exH wasn't considered for my daughters loan or her grant, it went on my wage only as she lives with me. All it wanted to know was if I was a lone parent. I had to swear on oath at solicitors that my information was true, which cost £5

I think most people stop paying for their children once they reach 18, so I think yanbu

mummygirl · 17/02/2010 21:15

it doesn't metter who left who, people move on and procreate, 'tis life

JeMeSouviens · 17/02/2010 21:19

nidirect.gov.uk

this excerpt from further down the page:

"If your parents are divorced or separated and you started your course in or after September 2004, the Student Finance NI office will assess the income of just one your parents, rather than both - whichever one seems appropriate to them in the circumstances.

They will ignore income from your other parent, but will take into account the income of any spouse, civil partner or live-in partner of the parent they decide to assess (including a partner of the same sex if you started your course in September 2005 or later)" I don't agree with this!

But then different statement on this website:

studentfinanceni.co.uk

My parents are divorced/separated. Who should support my application?
We use only the income of the parent you normally live with. Where parents have divorced/separated and remarried or are now living with a partner, we will use the household income of both your natural parent and their partner or your step-parent.

To be fair, they should probably just take into account the incomes of the 2 biological parents. With the resulting parent help being split 50/50 between them, if they are choosing to support a child through University.

scaredoflove · 17/02/2010 21:30

As a parent who lives away from the family is only expected to contribute up to 18, then the household income of where the child lives is what should be taken into account. It's hard enough getting full maintenance up to 18, let alone after

If divorced parents incomes were added to together, that would be very unfair, expecially if the parent with residency was on a much lower income and then expected to stump up more

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