Smoking

[sunchild77]

AIBU? My mum is a proper fag addict, she doesnt smoke around my kids. She says she "can't" quit, she is a militant stubborn smoker. My dad has asthma, and quit smoking when my my mum was pg with me. Ive always been really annoyed at my mum for making my dad's asthma and coughing worse by refusing to go and smoke outside their house, and him breathing in her smoke etc...

Now they're retired, and yesterday I caught my dad having a sly fag outside. Im really angry and disappointed in him too.
My mum is beyond help, I think It stinks etc etc, and they know the risks etc..

He was clearly embarassed when he saw me.
Should I just ignore it? AIBU to feel so cross? Its his life...

I was a bit of social smoker when I was a student and thought it was cool... But that was 15yrs ago,

Sorry this is epic...Thoughts?

I used to smoke, but now think it's a strange / silly thing to do, especially if you've got kids.

But it's their life like you say, not much point being annoyed about it or nagging them, that certainly won't make them stop.

YANBU to feel that they're being stupid, but you need to just accept that it't their lives, their choices.

You can control what you do, and what happens in your home and around you kids, and actually that's the most crucial factor in getting your own kids to realise that smoking is vile.

But your parents are grown ups and need to make their own decisions.

YANBU

but they are adults and can make their own decisions.

My mum is the same. She is a life long smoker and had a serious life treatening respiratory illness about 12 years ago and purported to give up smoking on the spot. However, it is the world's worst kept secret that she continues to smoke (fairly heavily) away from me and my dad. She will not be told and insists that it is not doing any harm.
TBH, I have given up discussing with her. It is her life and her choice to make. I don't doubt she will eventually die of a smoking related disease but I refuse to spend the rest of her life arguing with her about it and getting stressed.
Incidentally, my dad was as committed to smoking, if not more, than my mum but he DID manage to give up totally overnight. I have huge admiration for him.

I dunno. We're all going to die of something. My mum started smoking again recently too after years and years so I do sympathise with you - it's not ideal. She started on a walking holiday in Spain, long evenings with vino collapso on the veranda, a couple of others were smoking, it was all very convivial etc.

But she's her own person, she knows the risks (she's a nurse practitioner in a respiratory ward, so knows them more than most, too). I can be as cross as I like about it but if she stops again it has to be her decision. And she enjoys it, that's the thing. Which I can also understand, having been an on/off full-time and then social smoker since my teens myself, though I've stopped now for good.

That was a ramble too! But in summary, YANBU to be frustrated and worried about your parents' health. But your dad knows he shouldn't be smoking, he knows how you feel about it, and is unlikely to stop with the sneaky fags for any other reason than because he wants to.

See that was the thing Mrsmindcontrol, He never smoked ever when I was growing up, and I was always dead proud that he didnt. (daddy's girl ) I'd seen old b&w pics of him smoking in his youth though..
Just feel really disappointed in him....
D

YABU. it is not your life and you really don't have any right to be disappointed in him. Sorry

It feels a bit like weird role reversal, Im the parent and he's the child. He'd have gone ape shit at me 20 years ago.

YABU They're adults. It's their decision. Quitting is incrediably difficult = particularly if you've been smoking alot for along time.

I quit a month ago and nearly killed my DP lol.

All the pontification over smoking still annoys me though. Everything kills you - even certain types of rock - like the granite which the entire city of Aberdeen is built out of for example - emit potentially carcinogenic radiation.

I don't care if somebody smokes around me, I've seriously got better things to worry about.

Im NOT a militant anti smoker, and I know its hard to quit.... Thats why Im so angry!!! I just love them and dont want them to die early from smoke related illness. I also know (thru past experience with my mum) that making a big deal out of it will make him do it all the more... -That stubborn thing...

Think Im just sad that he's started again, after 30 odd years..Feels such a waste.

But yeah, yous are all right, it is his/their life...

Thanks!

i hate smoking it stinks dont have anyone in my house who smokes ,i make em go outside dd smokes and shes 30wks pg yuk !!

I was a smoker (obviously ) I used to kid myself it was a small amount and I only ever went outside and the DC never saw so that was all ok but I still smelled of smoke (in my hair particularly). Hoping I have quit for good this time!

My Mum was an extremely heavy smoker for 44 years. All through both of her pregnancies, 40 a day, couldn't last more than a couple of minutes before she lit the next one...hardcore. She had a "little heart attack" (her words) when my Dad was in hospital a few years ago, but didn't need angioplasty so felt she was untouchable.

My Dad died last year (not smoking related directly) and Mum just quit, just like that, with the help of in her opinion the "wonder drug" Champix.

This is a very long ramble and I apologise but to summarise YANBU to be disappointed and concerned. YABU if you expect your disappointment to be their only motivation to quit. Your parents both have to make the decision by themselves originally, and then come to you for support. No amount of nagging will work.

YANBU

Smoking will kill them, and it is so frustrating to watch them do that to themselves, but unfortunately it is not in your power to change them. My MIL is smoking 20 a day at the age of 60 and it frustrates the hell out of me, but even as an ex-smoker myself, I cannot get through to her that a. it is not that difficult to give up and b. she will not get ill by giving up - she bizarrely thinks giving up smoking at her age will itself make her ill.

I am all for freedom etc. but I do wonder sometimes whether smoking should be just banned and be done with it.

YANBU to be angry and upset. You would be unreasonable to think you can do anything about it.

Many smokers just aren't sane about their habit. My MIL is a nice person. I was rather horrified to hear her say 'My dad's stopped smoking, but he's really good about it. He doesn't mind if you smoke around him' a couple of years ago. Her dad had stopped because he was diagnosed with cancer. He died from it.

Hardly surprising that she can't see why she shouldn't smoke round her grandchilden, since she was happy to smoke round her dying father.

Their logic is not our earth logic.

I bet he always did smoke, but hid it because he knew how proud you were.

They're grown-ups and it's none of your business really; you've certainly got no right to judge either of them - let's face it, parents often keep quiet about their children's disastrous lifestyles etc.

I sound really harsh, sorry. I'm too tired, and shouldn't really be posting.

I understand your anger and frustration but nothing you can say or do will change their habits. It's an addiction and they have to want to quit. I do understand the disappointment as you have been lied to.

My dad gave up over 20 years ago but my mum still smokes and drinks in considerable amounts. Has been diagnosed with V V V high blood pressure but still doesn't seem to accept her habits don't help her health.

It annoys me that she expects the medical profession to help her but she won't help herself. I have been nagging her for years but have given up now.