to have spoken to the Head about ds1's teacher?

[CathyBurns]

Bckground - ds1 is 7 and has Aspergers

his classs this year is job-shared between two teachers, which he has found difficult to settle with especially as there was no proper hand-over

we asked for a meeting at the start of the year, just to have a chat about him, meet the teachersproperly and look at his IEP - teacher 1 was quite frosty and said she hadn't written a new IEP yet so there was no point having a meeting

things between ds1 and this teacher (teacher 1)weren't good from the start, although he has no problems with the other teacher (who is actually "stricter" but gives warnings, is more aware of ds1's needs etc)

after a few weeks I went to the head of KS1 - who happens to have been ds1's class teacher last year and was brilliant with him - and mentioned a few concerns I had - cue teacher 1 immediately calling a meeting with me and dh in which she said I shouldn't have gone to the head of KS1! She was also quite "yes, yes, I know all about it" when we tried to discuss ds1's issues and made inappropriate (to my mind) comments like "Yes well, tranitions are always more difficult for a child with a Syndrome"

anyway things have gone from bad to worse - we STILL haven't had an IEP meeting, I haven't seen an IEP at all this year - and ds1 seems to be getting into more and more trouble - she sent him out of class four times in one afternoon recently. Another time she sent him out, left him there all morning and then made him spend his playtime in the deputy head's room doing his work on his own - we weren't told about this, ds1 told me a couple of days ago

So a couple of days ago dh picked up ds1 and was told by teacher 1 that he had been "showing his willy" with another child and they were both in serious trouble - ds1 was beside himself when he got home and was insisting that he hadn't done it, but that the other child had had a hole in his trousers and was showing his pants, so ds1 had shown his pants too, then another hcild had gone to the teacher and told her they were showing their willies. Not bothered about the pants/willy thing per se - not a big deal IMO - but the fact that she took the other hcild's word and wouldn't let ds1 explain really upset him

I had a big talk with ds1 at bedtime told him off for misbehaving at school and asked him to tell me if anything was worrying him and how he was feeling about school

he burst into tears (he doesn't fake or lie in this sort of situation, he just doesn't) and said he didn't want to talk about teacher 1 because he didn't want to be rude and get into trouble

I coaxed him a bit more and he told me all his feelings in a big rush - he is terrified of her, says she is "aggressive" and sends him out virtually every day, doesn't give warnings etc

when dh took him in late the other morning (first time he has ever actually been late - lateness doesn't agree with his AS!) the teacher said "Oh ds1, everything was so quiet and peaceful before you came in"

he was crying so hard he wet himself on my lap

SO next morning we decided to go into school and try to say something/start the ball rolling for some dialogue - we wanted to do something before half term, and we knew the teacher was in all day doing PPA

asked the secretary if we coiuld see teacher 1 briefly, she scuttled off and came back saying "she's busy come back after school"

neither of us could do that as we both had to work late that day unfortunately

we do have an IEP meeting (finally!) booked for next thursday, but it will only be about 20 minutes and neither of us want to spend the whole meeting playing ping-pong with her about all these problems - we were both upset and felt it was urgent to get this out in the open now.

so we decided to take the bull by the horns and ask to see the Head instead

saw the head and outlined our concerns while trying to make it very clear that it was not about blame or accusations, but that our boy is unhappy at school - after two very happy years - and if there is a personality clash we need more communication and more cooperation. The Head was quite taciturn but pleasant and said she would have a chat with teacher 1

am now feeling horrible and wondering whether the IEP meeting is going to be a disaster with her being defensive and uncooperative

at the time I thought "why shouldn't I speak to the Head?" but now I'm not sure

You know you aren't being unreasonable. His teacher sounds a nightmare. I am not sure I'd have gone and see the teacher he had last year though.
Fingers crossed it all works out for you. School days are meant to be the happiest days of your life, not terrify you.

poor ds, how ruddy miserable.

You have tried to talk to the teacher and she's fobbed you off. AND hasn't done the IEP. Lazy cow.

There's supposed to be a SENCO at each school, isn't there? Could you get him or her involved to try to co-ordinate everything?

No, given what you've said I think talking to the Head is completely fair enough. Not having an IEP at this stage in the year is appalling - and the IEP should set out clear, agreed strategies to tackle any behaviour issues. But where is the SENCo in all this? Have you spoken to him/her at all?

How many form groups per year? Any chance of a sideways move into a different class - or would that throw him completely?

I don't think Teacher 1 is going to be very happy about you going to the head, but tbh it's tough for her. She has not tried to work with you and ignored you asking to see her, so I don't think you had any other choice.

Your poor DS, I really hope you get things sorted soon for him.

there is a KS1 SENCo who has been involved before, when he was in reception/Y1, but as we haven't had any meetings or any IEP updates at all this year, I haven't seen the SENCo either

we are going to ask her to be there at the meeting next Thursday

the Head suggested we ask the head of KS1 to be there too! she taught ds1 last year and managed him incredibly well, when he left Y1 he was happy, motivated, relatively well-behaved and really part of the social life of the class

now he is miserable, difficult, jumpy and other kids' parents are starting to shun him again

head of KS1 also teaches my ds2, so I see her every day - I might not have sought her out otherwise.

You have tried to create a dialogue with Teacher 1, she has ignored your fears. You've done the right thing. Would you consider changing schools if this can't get resolved? It sounds like she doesn't understand his needs at all. Very angry on your behalf.

I think seeing the head was fine - what else could you do. In the interests of speeding the meeting along next week, I think I would also write down my concerns and some suggestions for meeting them and circulate in advance. In my experience, things in writing don't tend to get overlooked quite as much as conversations do. You could suggest in your letter that it might be helpful for the head and teacher 1 and 2 to be at the IEP meeting.

the joke is that teacher 1 is the SENCo for KS2! So we are going to be seeing plenty of her as he gets older, whether we like it or not

I hate confrontations like this. I always feel as though I am in the wrong and they all think I am a crazy woman,

but it's not good enough is it, not to have seen an IEP all year?

I don't think the Head will want to be involved in the meeting

tbh when she showed us into her office - before we had had a chance to tell her what we were there for - she said "Come in, I'm not sure this is a matter for me rather than the SENCo, but come in"

I think you were right to speak to the Head. Short of camping outside Teacher 1's front door you've done everything you can to try to speak to her and still haven't got anywhere.

The IEP situstion sounds rubbish (to put it politely). At our school there have already been two IEP meetings since September, with a third due sometime after half-term.

A child in the school is very unhappy - it is a matter for the head whether she wants it to be or not. I would deffinitely write to them in advance of the meeting - but phrase the letter in the spirit of cooperation (ie been thinking about what might help ds and thought it would be helpful to set out my ideas in advance of the meeting, especially as he has recently become so unhappy etc).

Good points, Goosey. Am sure ds's head would want to know all about it if any child in her school was being treated like this.

Poor DS YANBU. After all you did try to speak to her.

As a teacher, I'd say that she will be hacked off, but she deserves it. Sometimes it is hard to be available to parents, but not THAT hard. She sounds quite unprofessional, and certainly isn't fulfilling her obligations to you or your son by not having an IEP at this stage in the term. She also sounds disrespectful and like she doesn't really have a handle on how to deal with those on the spectrum. We have numerous pupils at school similar to your son, and each teacher who teaches them has to be trained on how to work best with them.

She will probably be taciturn with you when you see her, but don't back down or be defensive. Point out that you have tried to see her numerous times and each time you have been deflected. You saw the head of KS1 and she got cross about that, but still made no effort with you. What does she expect you to do?

(Point of note, on the whole teachers aren't available during the school day off the cuff if you see what I mean, I'm sure that instance probably wasn't a deflection.)

This is very sad. Your son is half way through the school year and this horrible situation should have been resolved long before now. Of course it's a matter for the head. I think Goosey is right - set out everything that has happened (and hasn't happened) as clearly as possible in a letter to give the meeting some focus. End by saying that you look forward to hearing how the school plans to address these issues so that the onus is on them to come up with proposals.

I think the teacher's comment about everything being quiet until your son turned up is appalling - you need to include this in your letter and make her understand how it made your son feel.

yanbu -

No. You have brought a tear to my eye and I am not a hugglywugglyfluffy person at all.

Your poor little boy. My DS had a clash with his teacher last year and it was awful.

Have you posted this in the special needs topic as well? I'm wondering if that might be helpful.

Wishing you all the best.