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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to just think about myself for once?

12 replies

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 17/02/2010 01:02

I apolagise now if i ramble, this might be a long one.

Me 21 and dp 24 met through a friend 9yrs ago, we have been together almost 6yrs and we have a son 31mnths and a daughter 15mnths, Dp is from the midlands im suffolk. Dp moved in with me at my mums when wed been together a year to find work here, we then looked for a house. Ds arrived a year later, Things with dps family were very very strained as they felt like id stolen him from them or something to that effect, it all came to a head at ds christening when he was 10mnths old, me and mil had a fight dp announced half way through i was 12wks pregnant with dd and then for almost a year we didnt see them. Things were very very bitter. Since having ds ive lost all but one friend and im very very lonely, the only person i see in the week other than dp is my mum, i dont fit in any group ive tried and its getting me down and i want my children to make friends.

When dd arrived i decided enough was enough and wrote to mil and we cleared the air after a few meetings, since then ive actually enjoyed seeing them, yes she still does the irritating mil things but ultimately i trust her and she helps us out.

We are very close to my family as theyre just up the road from us and we lived my mum step dad and younger siblings.

Our first home has been rapidly outgrown having brought it as a couple we are now a family of four in a tiny 2bed terrace, we are a bit trapped due to redundancy and money troubles.

PILs have recently brought a pub and put there house for rent, ive always loved there house, and to dps shock i asked to rent it. We will finally have space and a garden and its alot cheaper living for us, dp has MUCH better job prospects and in the event of another redundancy could help in the pub to keep us going. we can pay off our debts at a lower rate as they wont be priority (keeping a roof over our heads) and Ill be surrounded by 3sils near my age with children, who i get on well with meaning instant friends and people to show me around.

However its 100miles from 'home' and my family are devastated, they think mil is controlling us and so on, thats not true and im hurt that they believe i am that weak.
Im giving my family a fresh start. I know it will be hard leaving the place i know so well but im young, the children are at the moment we are free to be adventurous.

Maybe in 5mnths ill hate it and come home, but surely when there's so many positives and the only negative is leaving my mum siblings and grandma behind, who i can drive to see, get trains and buses if there's car hassle and i have the space for them to stay ive already brought spare beds, ds has a trundle bed under his and so on. it takes 1hr 30mins in the car, sometimes less if we bother getting up early and miss traffic.

Surely im not being unreasonable to just jump and try this out?

My family are making me feel so guilty and selfish. when in the beginning they supported me, im actually scared to speak to them incase they change my mind, i move on march 1st and id have liked to enjoyed spending time with them.

All i want is a better home, and life for us. And occasionally some spare money, something that is impossible here.

SO AIBU?

OP posts:
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 17/02/2010 01:03

sorry that is too long!

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/02/2010 01:11

YANBU, 100 miles is nothing these days. Go for it!

sb6699 · 17/02/2010 01:32

As OLKN says, 100 miles in nothing these days.

One thing I would be concerned about is renting from your IL's - they have withdrawn support from you in the past so what would happen if you fell out with them again. Would they insist you move out? Not easy when you have 2 dc's.

If you own your house, a good idea would be to rent it out rather than selling, or if not always keep enough money put by for a rental deposit, so if things dont work out you it is easier for you to come back.

If things arent going well for you then YANBU to try something else to make things better for your family.

Fwiw, I now live 450 miles away from my family. They were really upset when we decided to move but now they're fine. We keep in touch on the phone and visit when we can.

I think you might find its just the initial thought of them being sad you will be so far away that's making your family seem unsupportive.

Alambil · 17/02/2010 02:40

I used to commute 100 miles a day to university!!

It is so easy to travel 90 minutes in the car in comfort - you could go there and back in a day; a weekend would be dead easy (work / kids depending)

go for it.

don't listen to them

mummygirl · 17/02/2010 07:54

YABU. And whatever happens, remember: YOUR FAMILY is now your DP and children. What's best for the four of you should come first!

mummygirl · 17/02/2010 07:55

sorry, I meant YANBU

Pheebe · 17/02/2010 08:06

YANBU at all. You are doing whats best for your family. Personally I think you are being very sensible and while it might be hard for your mum etc in the short term they will soon realise you aren't that far away.

Make sure you have a formal tenancy agreement for the house. Under no circumstances be tempted to 'keep it in the family'. Much better to keep things formal when money is involved then everyone knows where they are and what rights and responsibilities they have. You can pick up a tenancy agreement pack from any stationers, no need to estate agents or solicitors.

DH's family is from essex, I'm from the north and we now live in the midlands. His family are spread round the country now. You do have to keep the effort going as the days and weeks slip by surprisingly quickly. Get webcams set up asap. Make sure you go down at least once a month, speak often on the phone, send 'pointless' letters and cards, email photos, video clips etc.

Go for it and be happy

PeedOffWithNits · 17/02/2010 08:09

so your parents think your in laws are controlling, while at the same time putting pressure on you not to go - they are being controlling & selfish too!

DH and I made a decision many yrs ago that we would move back to his home county if the specific job he had always wanted came up - it did. My parents move around a lot too , so we have always been a long drive from them - you'll manage

get them on skype, you can see and speak to them every day for free, and they wont miss out on all the things the DC do and learn, which i suspect is the real issue

compo · 17/02/2010 08:14

Go for it, it sounds like a great idea and opportunities like this don't come up often
presumably with nephews and neices there you know the schools too?

gorionine · 17/02/2010 08:20

I think it is a good idea and FWIW, I think you are not really thinking about yourself but your family (nuclear one) and definitely not selfish.

I agree that 100m is nothing (you do not know how much I wished my family was just100m away).

BetterBitOfButter · 17/02/2010 08:41

YANBU, you have thought this through very carefully and it seems to be a very good decision for you and your family.

I think sb6699 has a good suggestion about renting out your current home (unless you need the money you may make from the sale) and I definitely agree with pheebe about the tenancy agreement - should you ever need to claim any help in the future ie/housing benefit, you will need a proper tenancy agreement particularly as you are renting from relatives.

Good luck!

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 17/02/2010 22:36

thanks for all the support, im feeling alot better about things now and can see things from there point of view a bit so i can see why they're being as they are!

Things have been done properly, dp and fil had a contract drawn up and we have, i think, 5mnths notice if they need the house back, Things that happened in the past if im honest were down to my insecurities and anxiety's of being a new mum and the not speaking was a joint thing, letting the dust settle as such!
im now very confident and happy and theres not even been a wobble in mine and the ils relationship since, that said arguments happen all the time so we are being careful! Our house has to go, its rented and is costing us a fortune in heating! plus we only have roadside parking which has caused some huge problems for us, something small but we pay for a permit that isnt policed so we never ever have a space anywhere near home!

anyway enough of my ramblings. thanks again!

im now getting over excited and doing some naughty internet shopping for the dcs bedrooms, dd has shared with us for 15mnths!

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