Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to be upset at by the fb group dd1 has just joined ?

25 replies

MrsMorgan · 16/02/2010 22:07

Dd1 has become a fan of 'my dad is the best dad in the world'.

This is the dad who doesn't do anything for them, doesn't provide for them in any way shape or form and who she moans at seeing because it is boring at his.

Ok, so it is only fb but ffs.

I am having a shite time at the mo and this nearly made me cry.

OP posts:

YourCallIsImportant · 16/02/2010 22:10

How old is your dd?

claw3 · 16/02/2010 22:13

How old is your dd?

TottWriter · 16/02/2010 22:13

Has she joined because a lot of her friends have? It could be a peer pressure thing rather than something she actually agrees with.

How old is she? If she complains about having to see him then I doubt she really means it for a second, but conformity is something which can be a real cruncher for girls of a certain age.

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 16/02/2010 22:14

She is 12, going on 21.

I've hardley seen her all week because she has been stopping at my mums and now this.

I am not sure if her friends have joined it tbh.

OP posts:

PixieOnaLeaf · 16/02/2010 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

claw3 · 16/02/2010 22:16

Oops great minds eh yourcall!

My 13 year old ds joined a group by mistake, he gets so many applications to join this, that and the other, he just clicked on the link to join all of them. Could it be a mistake seen as she doesnt have a very high opinion of him?

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 16/02/2010 22:17

Yes you are probably right. She joins every group going at the moment. It just hurt to see it really.

During arguments recently she always thretens to go and live with her dad too.

OP posts:

YourCallIsImportant · 16/02/2010 22:20

lol claw!

Kids go mad on fb and others like it, joining every group their friends are on. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

claw3 · 16/02/2010 22:22

Mrsmorgan, i have that too, if thats any consolation. My ds will use that as ammo during a disagreement, pretty normal teenager stuff!

My 16 year old actually went to 'live' with his dad, after a disagreement which involved living in this house by my rules!

Soon came back, he lasted a day. Dad hasnt paid a penny for him since we split 12 years ago. He is a teenager, not an idiot!

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 16/02/2010 22:25

Thanks, kids eh.

It was me she came to when she wanted money for the pictures though lol.

OP posts:

TottWriter · 16/02/2010 22:28

I think the argument thing is her teenage hormones on their way out into the open. It sounds like your daughter is at exactly the age where conformity hits hardest - whether it's joining the same facebook groups or having issues with your parents.

YANBU, because it doesn't make it any easier for you, but I would try and ignore it if at all possible. She's certainly old enough to see the truth about her father for herself, but unfortunately also old enough to know he's a good threat to use against you in a row. I don't remember myself at that age with any particular fondness - I was convinced that I wasn't 'teen-angsting' but that's exactly what it was.

As others have said, it's easy enough to simply sign up to groups without paying attention on Facebook, though as she gets older her independence will reassert itself and she will screen things more appropriately to herself. I hate to say 'it's a phase', but fads like facebook groups usually are. Try and take comfort in the fact that she probably barely gave the name of the group a glance.

Eurostar · 16/02/2010 22:31

Perhaps she wishes her Dad was the best Dad in the world rather than Mr Unreliable and clicking on yes for the group invite indulged that fantasy for a while

Or - forget the pop psychology - maybe she got the group invite from someone and didn't want to ignore it or turn it down for a reason. Even as an oldie I have friends who get offended if I don't sign up to their group invites!

All in all, she is only 12 and still needs your love and understanding rather than resentment, it's not her fault that her Dad is rubbish and makes you feel rubbish and you can't expect her to collude with your wounded feelings against him.

claw3 · 16/02/2010 22:36

Very true, what Tottwriter said, they do learn the truth for themselves as they get older.

My 13 year old ds thinks the sun shines out of his dads arse. My 16 year old sees his dad for what he is.

The most important bit is that none of it is my doing, they have formed their own opinions.

It must be hard for any kid to face facts.

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 16/02/2010 22:37

No I agree, I don't want her to hate her dad at all, but she seems to worhsip him almost and for what ?

I am slightly paranoid because at her age I was in the middle of getting my own legal rep to ensure I was allowed to live with my dad after my parents got divorced.

My dad was nothing like my ex, but i am sure if you asked my mum she'd disgaree.

OP posts:

claw3 · 16/02/2010 22:41

Mrsmorgan, i suspect its very hard for a kid to face up to the reality that they are not wanted and loved as much as they want to be.

TottWriter · 16/02/2010 22:54

As kids, we do have very polarised opinions of our parents. For my sister and I growing up, my mum was 'horrible' and my dad was perfect. For years we wanted to live with him instead, and my sister actually ran away (aiming for his house) three times, twice that my mum knows of. For me, the situation was complicated enough that I was in my late teens before I finally saw them both as human beings with flaws and strengths. Actually, seeing the good in my mum was almost as hard as seeing the weaknesses in my dad. But they are there, and were in fact apparent enough to my sister at a younger age than me, because, after we both moved in with my dad when my mum decided to live in Cornwall, she could only put up with him for two years before she changed her mind and went back to my mum. I personally still get on better with him than with my mum, but that's more because I never needed to rely on him - reliability is where he can really fall down.

The moment I realised that, and therefore why my mum had divorced my dad was really hard, and I denied it for quite a while. On the surface, I was almost more defensive of him than I had been before. Perhaps your daughter is at the point where the truth hits home right now, and just doesn't want to really admit what she's worked out. I'd say that twelve is still very young to have to be thinking that sort of thing, but then is sounds as though the difference between you and your DDs father is a lot more polarised than it was with my parents (who, in hteir own ways, are as bad as each other).

DebiNewberry · 16/02/2010 22:56

agree, it's a massive thing atm - millions of groups and they all join all of them. (well pretty much!)

ignore.

BigBadMummy · 16/02/2010 22:57

My DD has joined "I hate it when I cook naked and my willy goes in the custard"

Clearly that too is not true. She doesn't like custard

She has either joined it as a kind of reflex action / peer pressure or for the reasons that Tottwriter has said.

Please don't beat yourself up about this.

Pikelit · 17/02/2010 00:08

I remain delighted that fb wasn't around all the while I needed to give serious consideration to what dcs were up to. But I'd ignore any groups that your DD has joined, tbh. As I would quizzes that come up with eye-watering conclusions of a sexual nature.

My grandmother's favourite assertion was "Satan finds work for Idle Hands". Nowadays Facebook has stepped in to divert these idle fingers. Especially during half-term.

ScreaminEagle · 17/02/2010 01:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gtamom · 17/02/2010 07:37

Children love their parents (mostly anyways) regardless of what reality is like. She has her pride, and her memories, and loves the guy, her dad being the best. Even if he is not Mr Wonderful.
I would make sure her dad knew she joined the group, maybe his consience will prick him into being a proper father to her.

Don't feel sad. You must be doing a great job with her, and not saying bitter negative things him to her. That is the right thing to do. She will see things as they are someday when she is matured and has experienced life more.

gingernutlover · 17/02/2010 07:56

ah, i can see why you are upset so YANBU

but bear in mind she has probably joined this group for one of 2 reasons

her friends are members
she actually wishes he was a better dad

at her age, she's probably a bit unaware or in denial about how he has acted towards her and you, over the next few years she will realise and will be mature enough to form a more realistic opinion of him.

skihorse · 17/02/2010 08:01

YABU - your feelings towards her father are not necessarily hers.

Goodadvice1980 · 17/02/2010 09:17

Have facebook changed their age limit for an account? Thought kids had to be 13 before they could have an account??

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 17/02/2010 09:59

No fb haven't changed the age rule.I personally don't see anything wrong with it so long as it is supervised. My mum will have been supervising her when she was on it last night.

Skihorse, I didn't say that dd should feel the same way about him as I do. Had the group been an 'I love my dad' group or similar then i'd have not batted an eyelid, but 'my dad is the best dad in the world' . Dd1 knows herslf that this is not true.

I think those of you that said that this is maybe what dd wishes she could say might be right.

OP posts:

Flip