For being a bit upset about DS's birthday?

[Enchilada81]

DS2 was 9 yesterday. He only sees his father once a fortnight and it just happened that this birthday fell on his dad's weekend.

I didn't kick up a fuss about not seeing DS on his birthday, his father has as much right to that as I do but I was secretely a bit disapointed.

Anyway, I bought him a 19" flat screen TV for his bedroom wall and an xbox game for when he came home. I thought he'd love it.

So he got home at 5pm on his birthday carrying a load of balloons and presents. First thing he told me was that his dad had thrown him a big party and there was decorations and balloons everywhere. I gave him a hug and told him how pleased I was that he'd had a good time (genuine).

I then gave him the xbox game from us. He unwrapped it, smiled and then opened the present from his grandmother. Smiled but said nothing. Opened his cards. Put them aside and went really quiet.

I took him upstairs to show him the TV expecting a big reaction. He smiled and thanked us. He then shut himself in his room and played on the new games seeming quite down

Later he phoned his grandma to thank her for the present. She asked what he got for his birthday and his reply was:

"My dad gave me a big party and there were balloons and food and decorations everywhere! and he got me a remote control spider and a car that goes on the ceiling!"

No mention of the TV. I promted him and he added "oh yeah, and a TV"

I feel a bit sad. His father doesn't bother with him most of the time, never phones him, never bothers to come to parents evening or competitions or school plays etc ... yet he lays a bit of food out and hangs up a few balloons one day in a year and DS thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread.

I don't want to be the bitter, jealous mother, I want him to have a good relationship with his dad but at the same time, I wish I got a bit of acknowledgement for all the stuff I do for him too.

I don't want eternal thanks and grattitude. Just a bit of aknowledgment.

I'm being unreasonable, arnt I?

Oh, poor you. You're not being unreasonable. Life can be very unfair.

It's really hard. My mother still remembers the year that I was 10, and she scrimped and saved to take us to France (cheap tent holiday in Brittany, ferry across) and when I wrote one of those 'What I Did On My Holiday' essays for school, I wrote about going to the local park with my Dad. Because the novelty of seeing him meant that I did take her for granted a bit, and whatever he did seemed really exciting by comparison. But now I'm a grownup I appreciate that she was by far the more involved and caring parent! So I'm sympathetic, I am.

But my other reaction is, maybe stop buying him expensive electronics to impress him?

I think maybe this is a generational thing and so my perspective is skewed (in my day, barefoot, snow, uphill, etc) but a flat screen for one's wall seems really OTT at 9. As you can see, he's more excited about the party and the balloons.

So save your money and buy him some balloons instead next time?

I think the replies here are spot on - at that age the impact of a party with balloons woudl be big and would have been increased if he hadn't been expecting it so would probably overshadow everything else. Don't take it personally.
Must admit though I have an issue with children having TVs in their room and I've never understood why 9 year olds need their own TVs, but maybe that's just me....!

YANBU to feel upset, but make sure you don't actually show this to your DS.

He is only a child, he was probably tired and overwhelmed when he came home from his dad's, and after so much excitement he just needed quiet time.

YABU to expect or assume that your presents will get a huge reaction. And expensive electronics mights seem a big deal to you, but they are quite unnecesary for a child and certainly don't look exciting do they? The problem is kids these days take electronic items for granted.

Your feelings are totally understandable. Could it be a bit that he's more excited at the attention he got from his dad because he's not used to it, whereas you're always there for him, so may be less exciting but more of his rock IYSWIM. If you look at this situation in another way it shows how solid your relationship is more than anything else.

I wouldn't take it personally. He came back on a high because he had the party, was the centre of attention and most importantly got his father's attention. He is sure enough of you to take you for granted.
(I can't understand why a 9yr old wants his own TV-perhaps he didn't.)

YANBU it's often tricky with separated parents, I often used to take my mom for granted when I only saw my dad once in a blue moon. He'd had a big day, was the star of the show and was probably knackered. He's only 9, but you did the right thing the way you reacted. It isn't fair to put pressure on children.

I do agree though 19in tv for a 9yo bedroom?

Please don't take it personally, he probably does really like it but as some of the other posters have said, 9yo's take electronics for granted nowadays.

He's had a TV in his bedroom for a while, just that it was a little 14 inch one, the old fashioned type with the rounded glass front and the huge back. He's been asking for a "cool" TV like his friend's for a while so I was sure he'd like it.

Saying that, he was sneaking around all last night playing around with it and has had it on this morning and keeps shouting "Mum, look how cool the graphics look on the new TV!"

I think you're all right. He was overwhelmed and on a "come down" from the party. And he probably does value that little bit of attention he gets from his dad so it was bound to be a big deal to him.

I was just being daft I think.

You weren't being daft! I would be a bit upset in that situation too.

God, read my other threads and I have the same predicament. Daddy aka amazing-fun-dosnt-discapline-and-feeds-me -sweets-through-a-drip is so much cooler than mummy who has to actually bring her up. Its so hard for us, but you arn't silly or alone.

YANBU, I really feel for you. Agree entirely with monkeyfacegrace, it's the novelty aspect.... not that this makes it any easier for you...

Try and console yourself that ExH did come through for your DS, imagine how your heart would have broken if he'd have come home and Dad hadn't bothered..

DS needed to feel his dad cared for him, and he was shown that. he knows you love him to bits.

Aaah, big hugs. He was probably just a bit down coming home and knowing he won't see his dad for a while. Is hard situation for him - I had the same when I was a kid. Poor mum did everything, Dad took us to something baf once in a blue moon. She was skint, he was loaded. Very unfair.

Sure your boy still loves you lots and lots. As other posters say, he was just blown away by dad making an effort (for once) and trying to make a big deal of it to show everyone his dad does love him really.
I feel for you.

baf - I mean fab.