to have a discussion with dsil and dbil about being named as guardians for their children.

[insertexpletive]

I really do not think that I am, but dh does not want to discuss it.

Dh just mentioned in passing last night that his sister and bil have put our names down in their wills to look after their children should anything happen to them.

Nephew is 2 and niece is three months. My dh and I have a 3 and a 5 year old.

Now, before I get flamed, I have no problem at all in our being named as guardians. We live locally, have a good relationship and the children all adore each other (well, 95% of the time).
But, I do think we have to discuss it! It is the practicalities that I worry about. For example, we live in a very modest three bed house and would struggle to accommodate all 4 children ? I guess it could be done, but would be very difficult.

I am also the main breadwinner in our family and we would struggle if I gave up work to look after everyone. Again, not to give you the wrong idea ? I would want to give up work to support everyone, it?s just that the mortgage would then not get paid!

So, I said to dh, we need to have a discussion about finances ? we would need some financial support to enable us to care for them and it would be useful to have this agreed between us all.
Dh thinks it is never going to happen anyway, and so why have what could be a difficult conversation!
AIBU?

YANBU to want it to be written into the will that a certain proportion of what the children would inherit should be allocated to help out with the costs associated with raising them. I'm sure your SIL and BIL wouldn't want you to be in financial difficulties because you took on their children.

Yes, you need to ensure that they are leaving money or property in their will to cover this. I would be unhappy, too, that this seems to have been agreed between the brothers with no reference to you. Its inconsiderate, at the very least.

YANBU.

It's always something that should be discussed as it will have such a huge impact on the lives of everyone involved.
They shouldn't just presume that you're willing and/or able to be named as guardians.

I agree with TrillianAstra, these are practicalities that need to be considered and discussed before having them formally included in the will.

If, God forbid, the worst did happen, you need to make sure that you can afford to care for all of the children and not have your financial rug pulled out from under your feet.

Sorry, not sure why my post is littered with ?

We do need to have a conversation - not exactly easy (I think dh is imagining a "so, if you die, can I be paid to look after your children" kind of discussion)

Dh is concerned that we will be seen as money grabbing. We live very modestly and to be honest, the only reason that we have not had more children ourselves is because it would be financial suicide.

On the other hand, SIL and her dh have a (very) large house, holiday home in France and two buy to let properties in London.

I feel like dh is accusing me of wanting to profit should the worst happen to his sister which is not the case at all.

Of course it's going to be much more expensive to raise 4 children than it is to raise 2. It shouldn't be hard for your dp to see that.

I'd have the talk but really they should have approached both of you not just your dp, and he shouldn't have agreed to it without your consent and an in depth discussion of all it will involve. I'd be furious with him.

YANBU. We have also done our wills recently. We spoke to the people we want as guardians asking them if that was OK.

We wanted to sort out some money for them and the solicitor told us that the way it is done, is that we tell the trustees what we want done - so rather than have it explicitely written into the will you have sensible trustees and you tell them your wishes. ie that they are to make sure the guardians and therefore kids are looked after financially.

I am a bit that they didn't even ask you if it was OK to be guardians, though I am less surprised about the money stuff. A lot of poeple are squeamish about talking about death & money, personally I think it's silly but there you go.

Besides all of the money in the world will be of little use to their dcs when they're too young to look after themselves and are in greater need of a stable and supportive home than a trust fund.

they may well have asked dh and he might have said yes without consulting the OP

I think a lot of people say yes automatically (without going back to discuss it) as they don't want to be seen to be unhelpful or as if it would be an insult to not accept straight away!

if your dh is a bit embarrassed about talking about things like this, could you get him to break the ice by saying something like 'oh we are also looking at our wills again now - since you've recently done yours, could you tell me what your solicitor advised re money for the guardians of the children' or something like that

I also have no problem discussing wills or money (but it may be because I am an accountant) whereas dh hates all that stuff!

Maybe the reason that it's left up to the trustees is that circumstances change and wills aren't always up to date.

So if in the event the couple had split up or were ill or something and it was agreed it would be better for someone else to look after them, couple A would still get the house IYSWIM.

I need to have a proper talk with my bro...

(sorry, that first bit in response to i'msonottelling)

Yes that's true.

Still the DH should have asked the OP!

I sometimes think I live in an alternate universe, it wouldn't occur to me that people would feel they had to make a decision about something like that on the spot. With ours we asked, and said to have a good think about it and that we'd understand completely if they didn't want to as it's such a huge commitment. (Especially as our ones don't have any of their own children yet).

I mean if someone invites me out for a meal they don't expect a snap decison!

Thank you for your good advice.

I think I will show thread to dh so he can see sense! The Trustee advice is good, thanks. I would hope that we are guardians as they know that they can trust us to love and bring up their children as our own, but there is no getting away from the expense and practicalities of this.

God willing, this will never be a dilemma we have to work through. Has got me thinking though...we do not have guardians sorted out yet - not sure if I would ask SIL and BIL or not - now, that really COULD open up a can of worms!!

yes I agree i'msonottelling.

YANBU but why don't you bring it up. You say you get on well, so why not the next time you are all together mention it casually. Say you feel honoured that they trust you so much to look after their dc's should something happen to them, but that you need to talk about the finances, if they are reasonable I'm sure they wouldn't bat an eyelid, I know I certainly wouldn't. It may just be an oversight. Maybe they have written you in to the will financially as well, generally people don't want to talk about that.

When we made our will we asked DH's sister and her partner if they'd be guardians to our 2 DDs. They agreed so we have set up the will to allow for our house to be sold and a trust fund to be set up from the estate with any reasonable costs to be used for the DCs upkeep. They get the remainder of the capital once they are 21.

It's not about guardians being 'paid' for looking after them, it about the practicalities too. For example in our situation we've got 2 dcs and so have they, so realistically if the worst did happen they would need to upgrade from a 5 seater car to a 7 seater. Naturally that would be a reasonable expense to come out of our estate.

The conversation needs to be had, not just to cover finances but also to agree things like what contact they'd want the DCs to have with their maternal family, any faith issues, schooling preferences, etc.

Your DH needs to realise that if you're going to take on such a serious committment it needs dealing with properly. Everyone thinks the worse case scenario is never going to happen to them, but the truth is does happen every day and none of us is immune.

forgot to say that we gave SIL and her DP a copy of the will so they know where they stand.