to wonder if it's all worth the effort

[GerMom7]

I've lost the ability of rational judgement so would appreciate some unbiased opinions.

I have 13 mo ds, have started back at work pt and am also doing a uni course. I am really lucky to have my mum to look after ds when I'm working and she also helps out with ironing but other than that I have to do every other single thing to do with our house/family stuff myself with little or no help from dh.

I've tried to tell him how knackered and low I am as also suffering from pnd and struggling with eating disorder. We agreed that he would look after ds on a friday morning so I can study, as he works from home and it only means he loses 2 hours, which he's more than made up for during the rest of the week. I should add he works away from home three days a week when I'm on my own.

Today, as on several other Fridays, he doesn't get up when ds wakes and leaves me to see to him. Two hours later he appears and seemingly begrudgingly takes over so I can get some work done. Then after ds's nap I ask him if he's going to look after ds, he gets stroppy, we have an argument, he storms off on his own for a walk and I'm left with ds yet again.

He works really hard and is our main wage earner, so aibu to expect that he should be more involved in child/house care. When I say he does nothing, I mean doesn't feed, bath, put to sleep, shop, clean anything but the bathroom grudgingly once in a while. He's turning me in to a nagging old bag and I hate it.

yanbu - could you go out of the house to study? That way he'd be forced to see the time as yours & look after the kids?

YANBU at all - I second Mybox's suggestion, you need to formalise the arrangement so he has no choice and you don't get the chance to see to DS when it's "his turn". Get up early every Friday, and go straight to the library (as if it were a job / meeting you had to get to) so that your DH has to do his bit and can't just leave it up to you.

My DH is also main wage earner (also works late / travels a lot) and at first (i.e. for the first 6 months or so) wasn't terribly interested in squealing bundle that was DS but now DS is older and more 'fun' to be with DH loves bathing him, feeding him etc. and is really good with him. Maybe you can help your DH to find ways to have fun with your DS (doing 'boys' stuff that you wouldn't let your DS do - my DH is always finding ways to get my DS filthy dirty) or do something special together so it's less of a chore?

Please don't feel like you're being unreasonable, you are absolutely NOT! I feel like many stahm's go through the similar things, I can't count how many threads I've read like this.

I was in a similar position, I've just finished my degree but throughout struggled to get help from dh. THe best way to get around it is to leave the house. If dh agreed to look after the children, I would get up early, take all my books to the library. That way there's no chance of the kids disturbing you.

Thanks for the suggestions - the library would be a good idea.
Snowtiger - I think it's the feeling that he sees it as a chore that's really getting to me. I try to suggest different things for them to do but never feel that he's really enjoyed it just being the two of them. I can understand that it might be harder for the man to bond until they're a bit older but find the reality of this really hurtful, almost as though it's some kind of rejection. But I'd be the first to admit I'm over-sensitive at the moment!
This is my first post so thanks for taking the time to respond.

Germom I was the same when my DH thought of looking after DS as a chore - we have to do it whether we feel it's a chore or not, don't we!

I felt as if it was a rejection too, so don't worry, you're not alone - hopefully your DH will find ways to interact with his son on his own terms as mine did, and then they'll be no stopping them!

In the meantime though you need to find ways to carve out time for yourself. Personally, as I hate don't like my MIL much I send DH and DS off to see MIL on a Saturday afternoon and that's when I get my stuff done, whether it's ironing, working or writing / creative stuff for fun (usually ironing it has to be said). Is there somethign like that you could suggest?