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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want elderly in-laws to take DC out in car

28 replies

Abihattie · 11/02/2010 17:37

Oh crikey. I feel like I'm moaning about my in-laws again but I could do with some advice please.
FIL is 81 MIL is 76. They're not good drivers. FIL has poor co-ordination (IMO) MIL has problems with her knees. They want to take my 2yr old out in their car and are talking about buying a car seat. I just feel so uneasy about it. Not just because of the driving but she's at a stage where she runs off if you don't keep hold of her.
I know I'm probably being a paranoid mother but I would be on pins. Worse thing is - DH thinks I'm being irrational and unkind and that she'll be fine and if I say anything they'll be really upset. So obviously, I haven't got his support with this.
Am I really BU about this? How would you feel and how would you handle it?

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 11/02/2010 17:43

How about you go with them? Then you can see if they cope, and hopefully one small car journey with you will give you a clearer idea of their capabilities.

Then if you say no, you at least have had experience of doing it.

But it would be kind to give them alternatives which don't dent their pride...walks to the park with you and dd etc...

But I do see its tricky.

diddl · 11/02/2010 17:44

No YANBU.

If you don´t feel safe with their driving,don´t subject your child to it.

Why do they have to take her out in the car?

My MIL thought it would be acceptable to walk my toddler along a busy road just holding his hand ("because he would be a good boy for Gran), because she couldn´t be bothered to sort the reins out.

Not sure how to handle it though apart from suggesting that you take you all to wherever it is they want to take her.

Original poster
Abihattie · 11/02/2010 17:49

I've managed to get round it before by taking them in my car but I'm having a hysterectomy soon and won't be able to drive for 6 weeks.

OP posts:
luciemule · 11/02/2010 17:51

When my grnadfather had his first heart attack, both my mum and my uncle said that none of us children would be allowed to have him drive us again. He agreed to it and wasn't offended at all. His reactions were very good as was his driving but he was always nippy.
I would let my parents, who are 59 and 58 drive my DCs but not my in laws. They're 65 and 63 but even though they're quite fit, my FIL drives way too fast and IMO gets way too close. He spends the whole time on and accelerator pedal. They too could never catch DS and so I'm weaning them off them taking the kids out on their own. Last time, they took them along the side of the local canal! Out of all the places to take them when my DS often decids not to listen and run off, they go to the canal!

In your in laws case, they are really quite elderly and from what you say about your FILs co-ordination, I'm not sure he should be driving. Would he pass a test again if he took it? Tactfully but assertively tell DJ and in laws that they won't be travelling with them and that you can go to park as a fmaily etc.

BigTillyMint · 11/02/2010 18:01

YANBU I never let my mother drive our DC anywhere as she an accident waiting to happen (and has now got rid of her car!)

IMHO they are too old to be driving anyone, never mind your precious DC.

I'm not sure what you could say to be tactful, though

HappySeven · 11/02/2010 18:27

I guess it depends upon the individuals but my parents are the same ages as your PIL and I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. On the other hand I don't think my parents would offer as they find small children quite tiring these days although they often have my nephews (8+12).

Sometimes children are better behaved for older people as though they understand they need to be so maybe your daughter won't run off? Or perhaps she could always be on reins so that they're ready to go as soon as they park?

It's difficult because chances are she'd really enjoy it. Perhaps going with them the first few times would put your mind at rest. It sounds like they're trying to do a nice thing and help you out.

SeaTrek · 11/02/2010 18:55

YANBU

My IL's are only in their late sixties and I am very uneasy about DS going in the car with them. They both drive too fast, get distracted and end on the wrong side of the road etc. DH agrees with me. They do drive him short distances but we always manage to deflect the suggestion of a longer drive. I'm not actually sure whether this is related to age with them, but, the fact remains they are not good drivers.

My parents (late seventies/early eighties) gave up driving about 10 years ago - they realised it was time. If they were still driving there is absolutely no way my son would go in a car with them.

Squitten · 11/02/2010 18:55

MY ILS are younger than yours but I wouldn't let my kids in a car with MIL unless I was there, and not even then if I could avoid it! She a total accident waiting to happen and it's a miracle she's not been in one yet. I refuse to get in a car with her unless there is absolutely no choice (she doesn't know this).

PIL, on the other hand is a great driver and very much has his wits about him so I wouldn't have a problem with that.

I do think it's a sensitive subject (which is why I'd never say anything to my MIL) so you have to approach it with care!

Coldhands · 11/02/2010 20:43

I had a similar problem a while ago that may come up again.

My ILs suggested taking DS out in the car with them. Although I think their car is no safer than a carboard box TBH. They did take him once when he was a baby and when they brought him back, the straps where done up wrong. When I pointed this out, MIL said "oh well we can't be expected to remember everything". I was fuming at her attitude (my DS was weeks old at the time). After that I dropped him off and picked him up, although they haven't had him for nearly a year now.

They are getting a new car and made a comment about a second hand carseat, which we said no to. Then they told us their new car has some sort of special fitting for car seats. But my FIL has parkinsons and I am not comfortable with having DS in the car with them. I know the new car is for power steering as he is having trouble with the steering on his current car, but even with the power steering, I have seen how tired he gets and they were saying about how he struggles to do his zips and stuff and I see how much he shakes and I am really not happy about DS going with them. If the subject does come up again, I am going to get DH (who agrees with me) to say something, not sure what yet, but it is not going to happen.

YANBU at all. Their age would make me very wary and my ILs are not as old as yours but I know they would have trouble keeping up with DS. MIL comments on it from sitting in her frontroom so I definately don't trust them to take him out yet. I don't feel they take safety etc seriously. If we go over to her house she never shuts the kitchen door and everytime I do, next time she goes into the kitchen, she just leaves it open again while she is sat in the front room. Obviously their kitchen is not at all child proofed and I don't feel she takes it seriously.

When it comes to your child, always go with your instinct and I don't give a damn if I upset anyone when it comes to the safety of DS.

LittleSilver · 11/02/2010 20:46

Coldhands, is your Fil actually driving himself, did I read that right?

Coldhands · 11/02/2010 20:51

Littlesilver You did read that right. Apparently you don't have to stop driving with Parkinsons. I asked on here before and I looked it up on the net. I think he may have to take a test, don't know if he has. DH won't ask about it.

To be fair(ish) he does seem ok with driving, but he says he struggles to turn the wheel fully when parking. I have M.E. and struggle with that too so I always have power steering. I just don't want DS in the car with him. MIL doesn't drive and says she can't afford to learn (goes on a couple foreign holidays a year though ).

KERALA1 · 11/02/2010 20:55

In the process of taking my car to the garage for the second time in four months after being rammed again by an elderly driver. Grrr get off the roads (or at least stop crashing into my car). So YANBU

Eglu · 11/02/2010 21:00

It is unfortunate that your DH is not in agreement with you. That makes it more difficult. But YANBU at all

Original poster
Abihattie · 11/02/2010 21:13

Thanks for your messages. I'm going to stick to my guns. I know they're trying to help but they're not really as it would cause me a lot of stress.

I feel annoyed at DH as he knows they're not good drivers. FIL made a big scrape down the side of his car on the wall on our drive last time they were here (they live 4 hrs away so usually stay here for a week at a time). MIL is a big lady with bad knees and is so heavy on the clutch and accelerator that she must waste loads of petrol - they insist on reversing on to the drive each time and it sounds like a racing track out there - smoke pumping out of the exhaust!!

We've been in the car with them when a police car flashed as they were dawdling in the wrong lane but they still hadn't a clue what they were doing wrong. Each time they come up they mention how they've been flashed and gestured at by other 'ignorant' drivers! Oh my - I need to calm down

OP posts:
Coldhands · 11/02/2010 21:16

Stick to your guns on this one! They sound dreadful drivers!

AnyFucker · 11/02/2010 21:19

your child, your choice

GlastonburyGoddess · 11/02/2010 21:20

YANBU every nr miss Ive had has been with someone over 65, even though they say older drivers are the best and younger drivers are the most dangerous

I wouldnt let them and I wouldnt beat around the bush, you or dh need to tell them to the point that it wont happen whilst trying to be sensitive.

Lancelottie · 11/02/2010 21:28

I won't let my mum drive my kids. The nearest I got to 'tactful' phrasing was 'God, mum, you really don't want to drive with them distracting you, they never know when to shut up.'

taffetacat · 11/02/2010 21:46

You must go with what your instinct tells you.

Appreciate its hard to be tactful about it.

My FIL (78) was left briefly looking after my DD (3) whilst my MIL popped out with DS. He was reading her a book and fell asleep.

Thats FIL fell asleep, not DD......

nannynobnobs · 11/02/2010 22:39

you could say she can be distracting in the car as she needs entertaining?
or she always has a big smelly poo as soon as she's strapped in...
Seriously, they need to be told they are not safe! My grandad knows his limits, is aware his reactions are slowing a little, doesn't drive at night etc. and he still works and leads an active life!
Child in car notwithstanding, what if they cause a crash through their poor driving and cause somebody serious hurt?

scanty · 11/02/2010 23:03

I won't let my father drive me or the kids. He has heart problems and actually passed out at the wheel while driving (ambulance called - the lot!). It's been awkward though he knows how I feel and has sometimes created a situation regardless and it has been embarrassing all round. I would be expecting mum to pick me and the kids up at the airport (we live a distance away) and he would come with her and get behind the wheel to drive and there's me standing refusing to get in the car - not an easy one when he has to get out and let me drive. Thing is I would have been happy to arrange a taxi but mum was always happy to drive us.

PeedOffWithNits · 11/02/2010 23:29

OP, YANBU

but if you have concerns about their driving so severe that you would not want your child travelling in their car, then surely you have a duty to persuade them they are no longer up to it, or report them, because how would you feel as a mum if THEY had an accident involving some other poor family/child - would not want that on my conscience.

this week a toddler in a buggy was killed by a car driven by an 89 yr old man which mounted the pavement - the mother is also fighting for her life - i cannot believe there was not someone somewhere who was not concerned about his driving ability, and I am firmly in favour of regular and stricter testing of the over 65s

story here

PeedOffWithNits · 11/02/2010 23:31

scanty - why is your father allowed to drive if he has a medical condition which means he might pass out at the wheel??

scanty · 11/02/2010 23:56

well he was given medication and is regularly monitored so I guess they deem it to be no longer a problem though as I said I won't let him drive me. This was a few years ago and he has lost a lot of confidence now and very rarely drives now anyway.

AKMD · 12/02/2010 09:41

YANBU. I was driven by someone with Parkinsons once and it was the scariest experience I have had in my life. My grandma lives in an area where there are lots of elderly drivers and the general standard of driving is shocking. My mum has actually convinced her not to go in any of her friends' cars as they are accidents waiting to happen - dementia, poor coordination, heart problems etc.