To be cross with DSs teacher????

[MadameCastafiore]

Because DS is mortified!

I was called up to the classroom dorr yesterday to be told that DS had to be spoken to about being dishonest.

Yesterday breaktime one of a group of 3 boys pulled a big branch off of a tree in the playground and went on to start brandishing it about trying to hit some of his friends/the other 3 boys - DS was not one of these boys but standing on the preriphery playing with some other friends.

The teacher saw the boy pull the branch off and wave it about and he had to go and hold the teachers hand for a minute - his mother was not approcahed about this although he is on a final warning type thing - which I know about as his mother is a friend - who is at the moment really upset and at the end of her tether about her son.

Anyway as DS is quite forward and eloquent he was called in and asked what had happened - he clammed up, looked at the floor and started crying - so this is the reason I am aproached about his 'dishonesty'.

After telling him off I spoke to the mother of another child who had the full story from her son - so spoke to the teacher this morning - well got really cross - no other child was asked about what happened, the branch boy's parents wasn't approached but apparently DS is in trouble about not being honest??

He is 5 FFS - he was worried about being asked what had gone on because he had nothing to do with it, he didn't want to tell on anyone because they are his friends but just kept repeating that heh hadn;t touched the stick and didn;t understand.

I am bloody fuming - he did nothing wrong FFS.

And we have parents evening tonight with the stupid flighty teacher who at the moment I just want to throttle for making me take DS to school and drop him off whilst he was very upset about something that he had nothing to do with in the first place!

Apparently after speaking to DS and the other friends

I dont think you are being at all unreasonable. OTOH, I think your son could have said what happend, but as he is so young I don't blame him for not doing so.
I would probably, try to calmly explain why you are so upset.
Your poor ds, can't do right for doing wrong, even though he didn't do anything wrong.

That came out all wrong, he wasn't being dishonest at all.

Thanks kree - he is just so upset and is too young to understand that having to speak to the teacher doesn't mean that he is in trouble - he just keeps saying that he didn't do anything wrong.

Poor little love.

The teacher sounds like a tool!

YANBU to be upset that he is upset, and calling him 'dishonest' is ridiculous.

But I think you might want to gently remind him that he won't be in trouble if he 'tells' on a friend who is trying to hurt other people and that it is a good thing to do.

YANBU. Teacher was being a twat. Sounds like parents evening is a good opportunity to (calmly ) raise your concerns. How would they have expected an older child to react to being punished for something they didn't do? Of course your ds was upset and the teacher should understand why.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Schools make me so angry!!
This is echoing DS1 having to do a saturday detention a few weeks ago for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Your poor DS just reassure him that he has done nothing wrong and that he is loved and you believe him. and give him an extra big hug.

YANBU. I don't understand why the teacher would make this sort of comment. If an incident happened in the playground I would always speak to children who are trustworthy witnesses, but I would never just ask one child and certainly would never call anyone dishonest for not wanting to comment.

I would speak to the head teacher first if I were you so that they can act as mediator between you and the teacher. Otherwise your parents evening appointment (which should be about your child's progress) will become all about this incident. Remember you'll only have about 10 minutes. Whereas if you speak to her head you can have a much longer meeting to discuss what happened and what to do to make sure your child feels happy in class again.

It's always a dilemma for children about whether to 'tell' on friends, and it sounds like your little boy thought he was in trouble too. I would try and play it down a bit though. I don't doubt the teacher handled it a bit wrong and that he was upset, but in the course of a school career, there just are times where the teacher makes the wrong judgement call or your child gets blamed for something they swear wasn't them or they are in a group and all get punished. My six year old daughter got told off yesterday for not telling on who had bashed into her in the corridor and called her a name- how unfair is that?! (she said she wasn't quite sure which is why she didn't want to tell). The teacher spent more time getting cross at her than looking for the person who did it. But I don't think anything is served by me questioning the teacher's judgement and going up to get involved.

I think you should given him a hug and chalk it up to experience rather than spend the whole time at parents evening focused on this one incident (although I might mention that he was a bit upset).

Thanks guys, thanks Claire that is a really good idea - he is new, the headmaster, and is very hot on everything at the moment and really wants to be involved so I think that may be the way forward as I have just told DH what happened as he was out last night and he is baying for blood.

I just keep thinking about poor little DS being all upset at school - and it breaks my heart as he is so outgoing and normally really happy to go in and do the work and see his friends - she has taken the shine off of that for him and it may only be temporary but IMO it shouldn't have happened at all.

Wise words from claireyfairy82,
I too would go see the head 1st.

He is not being dishonest and he shouldn't be reprimanded for not grassing on his friends.

Oh your poor DS. That is not being dishonest!

And IMO that reaction and behaviour would prevent your DS/another child in the same situation from feeling he can approach her any more.

I agree with Clarey also about speaking to Head. Especially if he is new and wants to be involved. He will want a harmonious relationship with the teachers and parents.

What a bloody jockstrap!

I would think your boy saw what went on, knew it was wrong, so didn't want to say anything about it - that's why he began to cry, poor little mite. He felt put on the spot and under pressure.

'Baying for blood' will not be part of a constructive meeting. Neither will be taking this directly to the head, which is a mssive overreaction. Would you like it if someone went directly to your boss, or indeed, your boss's boss to complain about something you had done? The teacher has made a mistake but what exactly do you want from her? If you want revenge and to ensure that there is always an atmosphere between you, this is going the right way about it.

If you want the situation rectified and to ensure it doesn't happen again why don't you just tell her how it made your son feel? She has made a mistake and if you do this calmly she will see the error of her ways and talk to your son (especially if you ask her to) to make him feel more at ease with her and reassure him that it won't happen again. If she is aggressive towards you, or refuses to acknowledge that anything she did could have upset your son, then think about further steps. You will have many issues with teachers while your son is at school and going to the head each time or at the drop of a hat will earn you a reputation that will follow your son.

If you can't do it calmly write her a letter asking her how you should explain to your son why he was in trouble because he can't make sense of it. At least then she will have to reflect on exactly why she told him off in order to put it to you and probably be pretty embarrassed.

Excellent measured advice from Caen.

I do understand your upset, but this woman will be your son's teacher for at least the next five months. A good relationship is in everyone's best interests.

No need to hit a nail with a sledgehammer by complaining to the Head. Just go and see her and explain how upset your son was.

How horrible! He's only five!

YANBU at all. I would go mental.

Not sure why the teacher needed your ds's version.....a teacher witnessed what happened!

Well guys - she was pooping it through parents evening - rightly so - DH was very good though and didn't mention it.

She had nothing but good things to say about DS - he is very bright, incredibly helpful especially with the little ones who have only just started in reception after Christmas and he is very kind hearted and eloquent!

I thought I wouldn't mention it again though after reading replies - and I think my angry lioness approach may have made her feel that she should think a little more clearly in future before asking such of a 5 year old.

DS though wouldn't go and participate in the pancake race on Friday morning and is still saying he would rather not go to school because he hadn't done anything wrong - I am hoping the week off will help him forget and if her gets lots of rest he should be a little easier to talk into going in the morning.

That was the thing that annoyed me the most - he went from a little boy who always ran in each morning to a little boy who had to be peeled off of me sobbing!

I think I would have had to say that I didn´t understand why my child had been asked at all and that I was disappointed by the handling of the situation.

FFS when did teachers start asking 5yr olds about incidents that they weren´t involved in?

Why shouldn´t she apologise to him?