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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this woman in my house

61 replies

Bubbles2002 · 11/02/2010 10:34

OK, I have posted the first part before in another forum section, but there are updates and I would really like peoples opinions.

Here goes:

I have a very annoying neighbour that just lets herself in to my house. She just does one knock and then lets herself in. If I remember to lock the front door, she then lets herself in round the back way. Worse still is the fact thst she usually comes just as I have put the baby down to sleep and I am getting housework done. She's not a nice character, very nosey and gossipy and she even regularly visits a man who has recently been accused of sexually abusing his daughter when she was a child. From titbits that she mentions it seems he is on remand and not allowed near children. Why would she want to visit someones house like that?

Some incidents we have incurred:

Over the summer she tried to get my son to go and play out the back garden with her daughter but then when he did she accuses him of knocking down her washing line.

She pounces if he is ever off school ill and comes in saying 'why aren't you in school?'

When she wants to be patronising - are you STILL breastfeeding him dear?

She seems to despise the fact that we are married and she is in her 40's and although been living for years with father of her kids never married.

She asks all the time for my son to go and watch her son play on xbox 360 and then the next day she is telling me that he cant come in because her husband likes his privacy!!

I really dont want me or my kids to have much to do with her because she is so odd but I only have to open the back door to put something in recycling bin and she opens her door. Every time I have visitors she comes out and tries to talk, people have remarked on this.

Help what do I do - I dont like confrontation but something needs to be done. Recently she has been saying to my 12 month old son 'shall I take you for a walk.' Any advice appreciated. My haven has turned to a hell. It's got to the point I have to keep curtains shut as she is peering in windows to check if I am there.

So far this week I have kept the door locked and not answered. She went from front to back like a loony knocking and I could see her trying the handle. At the moment when I am going outside I am not making any conversation with her and trying my best to give her one word answers. I have also told my son to be polite but don't make any conversation. It is very waring though in my home.

UPDATE:

just wanted to know what people thought of this.

There's been no sign of the neighbour for a few weeks and now suddenly this week I have been having the postman knock with parcels for her - which I have refused. She has never had parcels delivered here before ever. She doesnt usually order any and she is always usually there. Anyway I did think it was odd that I was suddenly getting parcels sent here.

Also yesterday my wheelie bin was no where to be seen when I went out to get it.

Now after several weeks of no contact with her she knocks the door
(a) to ask me for a favour - to take a parcel in for her tomorrow
(b) to ask where my wheelie bin was

It's especially weird why she was asking me to take in the parcel as she had just come out of the (sex offenders) house- the neighbour the other side of her. They are always there, why not ask them as she had just been in there? Also, how would she know that it was definitely going to be here tomorrow if it's just royal mail. Because the last few havent been special delivery.

I think it is just a ploy so that she has to come in here then for the parcel. Do you think this sounds too far-fetched? I am also wondering whether she has something to do with wheelie bin?

I said yes at first as I was off-guard about accepting parcel but then stepped outside and told her I wouldn't be here. I also only opened the door a little so that she couldn't push past. I also wonder whether she wanted some reaction about the bin if she had something to do with it.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubbles2002 · 11/02/2010 12:56

Thanks all for your advice.

Well, the normal postman and Royal Mail delivery van have just been to me but there was nothing for her. So I can only assume that she only came in to ask me so that she can come in later on to ask whether the parcels arrived.....................

With regards to the man she visits I don't know for definite that he has been convicted, but it was his own daughter that accused him. I do know he was put in jail for a period of time but the neighbour did let slip he is on remand etc. It's a odd situation because the daughter now visits him again but her children are no longer allowed near him. He is also not allowed in certain areas in the community which is why the overbearing neighbour helps him with jobs. Convicted or not, if there has been an accusation I really dont want to take the risk with my childen.

Thanks again all - will keep you updated.

OP posts:
itsallaboutpootle · 11/02/2010 12:58

Keep doors locked, and if she catches you unawares I agree with everyone who has said to stay calm and use repetative statements. She is clearly crazy!

Do not take parcels, do not let your children visit her house...she will get the message.

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/02/2010 13:05

Well first of all, lock the damn door. Always.

That will stop her walking straight in.

Idiots like this will probably have to be dealt with carefully, as if you start ignorning her she will probably step up her campaign and come round more. Don't accept parcels. Don't get involved re wheelie bin. Don't answer the door. Keep your kids away from her.

DaisymooSteiner · 11/02/2010 13:05

I think I would write her a letter saying could she please stop coming round as you are finding it intrusive - not my usual style as I prefer to be direct and say things to people's faces, but I think with somebody this unhinged/determined you could be forgiven for not wanting to confront her. And it might be less easy for her to brush off if it's in writing.

LittleMrsHappy · 11/02/2010 13:05

Yes you dont take the risk, but as the man is on remand, he will have bail conditions and all of what you have said will be his bail conditions, he is still innocent until proven guilty and Im sorry but I think you are most DBU saying he is a sex offender when atm, he is currently only being accused of being one.

I would not be saying to friends and family, Oi that sex offender etc... as its a detrimental statement to make when not true at this time.

Sorry this is a bug bear of mine, accusation along is detrimental to the mans life! Even more so as the gossiping/damage is already done, and the man has been proven innocent.

We did not need to know that part of the story tbh, it irrelevant to your situation with your neighbour.

Original poster
Bubbles2002 · 11/02/2010 13:12

LittleMrsHappy - point taken. But nonetheless I feel it is relevant as she is in constant contact with him and then asking me if she can take my children out for walks etc.

OP posts:
BariatricObama · 11/02/2010 13:18

arse - the woman's close neighbour is on remand probably due to being accused of sexual abuse. he is banned from various places. i think she is allowed to be wary.

wukter · 11/02/2010 13:30

Hmm, she sounds the sort that I wouldn't want to piss off, tbh. She's bad enough when she likes you, what would she be like if she doesn't? The next time she 'pops over' could you have your coat in your hands, on you way out, and Te;ll her it's not a good time, how about Monday at 2? Might train her out of this intrusiveness and distance things a bit without open confrontation.

LittleMrsHappy · 11/02/2010 13:32

Ive never said she shouldn't be wary, but dont go saying he is a sex offender, as her op states in the latter part of the OP.

She has every right to be worried, I would be also, but I also wouldn't be saying he IS a sex offender. The accusation alone is detrimental to ALL involved.

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/02/2010 13:33

I would not pussyfoot around with her, why should OP feel that she has to invent scenarios to avoid this woman. That would be an exhausting way to live.

I would actually just be perfectly honest, try the avoid avoid avoid route first (lock door etc) and hope she takes the hint, and if she questions you and/or harrasses you tell her that you are concerned re her friend being on remand etc, and you would rather not have a friendship with her. You have then put your stake in the ground and if she continues to hassle you you can then take a next more formal step.

LEMprefersdogstocats · 11/02/2010 13:33

She is allowed to be wary - i would be wary- i would be fecking horrified, however, i do feel that one must be very careful when it comes to this sort of "gossip" because unless you have it from the horses mouth - ie - you look on he sex offenders register (can you do that?) then gossip is all it is - and the OP could get into serious trouble if she voices this opinion locally.

Its is irrelevant really, TBH I think you added it to back up your argument that she is a nutter, and you don't need to do that.

Why does she feel she can do this? you must have welcomed her at some point?

I wouldn't be letting a neighbour take my child out even if everyone in the street had a clean CRB check if i didn't like her.

Just tell her to fuck off

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/02/2010 13:37

I think there has to come a point where you stop being accomodating and polite. What the hell is this woman doing letting herself in your house for? Pkus you didn't challenge her on that the first time she did it so she thought it was OK. It is hard for some people to be forceful but either you bite the bullet and stand up to her, or you carry on with this situation and be unhappy abouit it.

Why do you leave your door unlocked anyway? Do you live in 1950 the middle of the countryside!

PeedOffWithNits · 11/02/2010 13:39

OP you could just keep saying "GetOrfMoiLand"

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/02/2010 13:40

Lol Peed.

Yes OP, do that, with a full on Devon accent farmery roar.

It won't work but it will give your kids a laugh.

porcamiseria · 11/02/2010 13:51

I think the fact that you did not see her for a few weeks is promising, so do have some hope, this does NOT need to turn into a drama if you play cards right. I'd imagine that winter has exacerbated this as you maybe have been home more?

I think the best thing is stay quiet, avoid,ine word answers, and stay civil.

L love what the the other lady posted ref assertivness

I think that man sounds dodgy as fuck, dont blame you.

where is DH in all this, can he be used as bad cop if things dont improve?

GothDetective · 11/02/2010 14:33

Or leave the front door unlocked and sit downstairs with no clothes on. Maybe then she might realise how inapropriate she is being.

MadamDeathstare · 11/02/2010 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MPuppykin · 11/02/2010 16:53

I have nothing to add, except hugs to OP. It sounds awful. But I agree- lock all the doors. Don;t let children out with her. And keep a record of everything that seems odd in case you need it.

borderslass · 11/02/2010 17:27

we had one like that when kids were little when we locked the front door she would jump the fence when I was in hospital having my youngest she came in whilst mil was staying and wouldn't leave until 11.30 pm,we eventually put a 6 foot fence up and one day in the middle of building it I caught her stood in my garden nosing to see what the kids were doing I do admit we were friends at first but she got overbearing telling my kids off all the time if I was in hers they couldn't move for fear of making a mess her house wasn't a home it was a show house when her youngest daughter was 6 her Lego got sent across to her granny's because she tipped it out.With hindsight I would never have spoken to her but I was a young mum when we moved in we do speak now but thats only in passing could never be friends again.

Original poster
Bubbles2002 · 11/02/2010 18:19

Thanks again everyone for your support - Borderslas that sounds like my neighbour exactly. She has only been here for 3 years and I suppose I let her in because her father-in-law was friendly with my father-in-law. We have absolutely nothing in common and she is very overbearing with my children telling them off. My youngest is 1 and she really took advantage during my pregnancy, that's when all the trouble started with her letting herself in etc.

I just passed her on the way down to the school and she said hi, then tried to talk to the one year old. I just said I was in a rush and had to go but she didn't say bye. It's very odd behaviour to talk to my child and not me. I would have rathered if she hadnt spoken to either. How do you reckon I deal with it if she is now blanking me but trying to speak to my children? She is s funny though she will prob think of something else to ask me tomorrow just to get in to my house.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubbles2002 · 11/02/2010 18:21

I forgot to add that I am 27 and she is 46 - so I suppose she initially had the age thing over me too.

OP posts:
elmofan · 11/02/2010 18:54

bubbles2002 - i can completely understand how you feel as i am also going through something very similar , my neighbour "pops" over about three times a week & stays for 4-5 hours & leaves me to run around after her toddler twins while she just sits there . she has a habit of knocking on the door just as dh has just come in from work (its like she See's him then runs over) & i am just about to pick up the dinner , then i feel obliged to feed the babies with what would have been my dinner as they seem hungry . hope you get it sorted & if you do manage let me know how you did it

2rebecca · 11/02/2010 19:00

My doors are locked. If they weren't and someone unwanted came round I'd just tell them I was busy and ask them to leave. You just need to keep the doors locked for a while and boot her out if she tries coming in.

Threepwood · 11/02/2010 19:04

I'm afraid you're partly responsible for the situation by putting up with it for so long. I know you said you hate confrontation and I understand that totally but this is just one of those times when you've got to be firm.

Flightattendant · 11/02/2010 19:12

IU think you need to turn this round...you are already half way there...this is not down to you to be careful of her feelings. she has never cared about yours!

You would never behave like she is

it's completely out of order

you actually need to get very very firm, and even a bit angry, certainly puzzled and do not give an inch.

Question everything she does, if necessary, but most of all just tell her to back off.

You don't need to make her hate you, you just need to have an inner wall, a proper boundary that you will not let her past, inside your head.

Once you have that, you will be Ok. he is taking liberties and is obv quite crazed. You are the only one who can stop this, and it's your duty to, for yourself and indeed your children...not to pressure you, but they will be feeling the awkwardness and they never like it if you are upset or cross with someone...they will be glad if you stand up to her and put a stop to it, and you will too! Show them how it's done

My mum was very timid too, and the number of times I witnessed her not being able to say no...I am just the same now and ds hates it.

Good luck...don't stand it for asnother second. You have EVERY RIGHT to stop this happening and if she won't take no from you, get the police involved...it's called harrassment.