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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really resent being sent to a private school?

54 replies

poshsinglemum · 10/02/2010 17:42

And before you all start I was badly bullied there. I was constantly told I was ugly by the boys and excluded by the girls.
I felt that what ever I said was ridiculed so I ended up going into my own skin and saying nothing.
I remeber going to a lesson feeling suicidal and none of the teachers said anything.

We were in a lesson once and a boy in my class said ''I bet your mum regreted the day you came out of her c*. '' The teacher did nothing.

I got quite good grades but my confidence shrivelled and died.

What makes it worse is that my parents knew I was being bullied and kept me there. My dad was a teacher there and knew whta was happening but kept me there. I was so much happier at the local comp but they sent me to the private school as they wanted me to get good grades.

The truth is I wasn't rich enough to fit into the school. If I was rich and georgeous I would have fitted in better.

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 10/02/2010 21:29

I don't agree that bullying has to involve the threat of physical violence.

I was most certainly bullied at school and much of the bullying involved verbal abuse. I was attacked once, and threatened on a number of occasions times,though it took a few of them as I was one of the tallest in class, and as horrid as that was it wasn't as bad as the constant taunting.
That wore me down quicker than anything else and resulted in me leaving school prematurely.

LetThereBeRock · 10/02/2010 21:32

And I don't see being called an ugly cunt,to use your example as in any way normal or acceptable.

The only ones I knew at school who'd use such a term were those who were known bullies.

LetThereBeRock · 10/02/2010 21:35

I do agree with those who said that there are bullies in all schools. It certainly isn't exclusive to the private education system.

Vallhala · 10/02/2010 21:38

I don't think it has anything to do with private schooling. My DD2 has been (and continues to be, but thats another story) bullied at her state secondary. Sure, the child from a less privilidged background at an independent may be bullied for that reason but equally so might the ginger/black/tall/specs-wearing/whatever comp pupil.

That doesn't mean that these kids can't go on to be well-rounded, successful, confident adults. I know many who have been there and come out as remarkable adults with so much going for them.

Rollmops · 10/02/2010 22:12

Didn't learn much at the private school, did we...
It must have been a fifth rate 'private' school if the boy was allowed to speak to you like that in the presence of a teacher.
Bit too much of a wishful thinking it seems.
Fantasyland anyone?[yaawn]

JaneS · 11/02/2010 08:42

I do think it's tough that you're meant to be grateful to your parents for sending you to this school, but actually it was horrible. But, as others have said, it could have been as bad/worse anywhere else.

At least now you've left school, eh? Is there a reason why this is still so upsetting for you?

chandellina · 11/02/2010 08:53

YABU, as other say, bullying goes on everywhere and to say that things would be easier if you were richer and more gorgeous is really stating the obvious.
at least you had access to a good education, be thankful not bitter.

LadyRabbit · 11/02/2010 11:09

I do think YABU. For many of the same reasons as previous posters here - bullying happens in any school whether state or private.

I also don't buy the idea that your parents putting you in a private school was a 'massive vote of no confidence'. Perhaps they thought you had potential that might be missed in a busy state comp. (And interesting that your Dad taught in one.) I was at a state school up until A-levels, when my parents realised that I was getting horribly bullied for being bright and the school was turning a blind eye. The facilities were also limited at the school, and a lot of the things I excelled at were the subjects that receive the least funding. I was also hanging out with the wrong crowd a little, as a desperate bit to fit in and not be bullied. So, my folks sent me to boarding school for my A levels and I absolutely loved it. I was lucky that my parents could afford it, but it's a hell of a sacrifice all the same and they could have spent their money on luxuries.

Education is, after love, the single most important thing a parent can do for their kid IMHO. To resent the fact that your parents took it seriously is just bonkers if you ask me. But I sympathise with the being bullied - it's bloody horrible and I never, ever want to see that happen to a kid of mine. I'd be even more unhappy if it turned out that they were a bully.

MrsC2010 · 11/02/2010 11:15

I agree with above, I certainly don't see private education as a vote of no confidence, far from it. Merely that your parents thought you and your potential were worth investing in, and that they had the means to do so. (I know in your circumstances the latter may not have been the case, but in some respects that is even more reason for them to take the opportunities open to them for you if you see what I mean.) I add that 'affording it' caveat in on purpose, all parents want the best for their kids, which in some circumstances (geographically for example) might be private ed...not all can afford it though which certainly doesn't make the parents bad ones.

I could never resent my parents for doing what they thought was best for me, my (and my sister's) education cost them a fortune and to resent them would be horribly ungrateful. I also think that parents don't always understand just how bad bullying is in some circumstances.

MrsC2010 · 11/02/2010 11:16

PS: no-one would ever have gotten away with saying the C-word at my school, swearing in any forms wasn't tolerated. Nor were many other things...oh the memories...

TrillianAstra · 11/02/2010 11:24

Are you the one who also resented not being good at sport when you were at school?

Same answer: you're not at school any more. You haven't been for a long time. You can choose to let it affect your adult life, or you can choose to move on.

GrimmaTheNome · 11/02/2010 11:31

DD has a classmate transferred out of the state school where she was being bullied into DDs private school. The child is neither rich nor gorgeous (she was bullied because she's obese) but DDs pals are pleasant girls who've happily accepted her. Generalizations don't work.

However -transferring a child from a school where they are happy to one where they aren't seems like a poor idea. Presumably if the OP had been getting good grades at the comp she'd have been left there - I can't imagine parents making such a move gratuitously.

Lonnie · 11/02/2010 11:46

Why are you annoyed about being sent to a private school when the real issue is you where bullied be annoyed about the fact your parents didnt deal with that?

Thats they key issue if they had send you to the local comprehensive and you had got bullied there wouldnt you still feel this way? the fact that the school is private I see of little relevance expect perhaps your parents actually (admittedly badly) thought they where doing something good for you

butadream · 11/02/2010 18:03

MorrisZapp, you may find this useful: What is Bullying?

laweaselmys · 11/02/2010 18:22

I think you should talk to somebody (in RL) about how you feel about your parents not listening to you.

It is more of an issue than what kind of school you went to. Although I also had a shit time at a private school - including them not telling me I was dyslexic because my mum told them not to! Depression/anxiety/insomnia all ignored because if your parents pay to send you to a nice school they MUST care about you. So actually I do understand why it can be upsetting to think back on it, and I think a lot of people here are getting unnecessarily irate, don't take it personally.

Please talk to somebody.

Lighteningbugs · 11/02/2010 18:35

"as I walk past in all my Boden glory ffs, as they thought I was 'scary' at school. " I'm sorry but this is a joke surely ?

butadream · 11/02/2010 18:52

(sorry!)

Lighteningbugs · 11/02/2010 19:03
KERALA1 · 11/02/2010 19:35

Being a teenager is usually pretty dreadful whichever type of school you are at. Its a rite of passage that most of us struggle through and move on (extreme cases of bullying excepted).

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 11/02/2010 19:40

Well I went to the comp for two years before said private school and I loved it so I have seen both sides of a coin.

I don't give a toss actually if I am being unreasonable or not. i hated it there and that's all I have to say about that. I know what I went through. Even if I had pots of cash i'd send dd to the comp coz I felt that my talents were flourishing there. I was good at art and all the kids would get me to do sketches for them in the comp. At private school I was told I was shit at art by the kids so my talent withered.My dad ust wanted me to excel at maths which I hate anyway and he felt I would do better at the private school. Talk about trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Kids need confidence to allow their talents to flourish. Smaller classes and lack of rough element are not enough in themselves.

What I have learned is that some schools suit some kids and not others. My school was for sporty kids. I am not sporty at all.

Also many poeople have a chip on their shoulders about private school kids.

Lets leave it at that shall we?!

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 11/02/2010 19:41

Actually the sexual harassment was quite damaging aswell. But I do think bullying happens everwhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 11/02/2010 19:45

I do think that my parents sent me there for the right reasons and I am grateful for that.

I am more resentful that they could not see how miserable I was.

I also feel that some peopel think that grades are THE most important thing but I think that happiness is.

I am tempted to home school dd but I guess she has to elarn how disgusting some people can be first hand. She'll have to deal with such dicks at work I expect anyway.

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 11/02/2010 20:22

I'd stop dwelling on it to be honest. I don't mean that to be harsh, but I only left school 10 yrs ago and barely give it a thought, certainly not enough to think this deeply about it. I had some horrible experiences, but hell, it was school and really doesn't matter any more!

spiderpig8 · 11/02/2010 20:24

.This is one of the main reasons I think it is a bad idea to have your DC at the school you work at.It is very hard to make a stand against a school which also employ you.Nevertheless your parents should have put your well being first , before absolutely anything else so YANBU

HennyRettaBadaBada · 11/02/2010 20:39

You say: "Even if I had pots of cash i'd send dd to the comp coz I felt that my talents were flourishing there."

but then: "What I have learned is that some schools suit some kids and not others."

So what if 'the comp' didn't suit your DD, then?

Sorry, but your logic is flawed.

I really think you need to get over it. It was obviously a crap time, but isn't it time to move on?

(And if you're now saying it was nothing to do with it being a private school, why the thread title? And you say you 'don't give a toss' if you're being unreasonable - yet you posted in AIBU.

It's very easy to imagine that life would have been brilliant at your comp. For all you know, things could have turned bad there too. It only takes a couple of really nasty children to change the whole nature of a class.