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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

overweight other half

12 replies

bokki · 10/02/2010 11:19

am sure i'll get flamed to pieces for this but what are other peoples views on... overweight boyfriends!?

when i met my other half he was a handsome man who i fancied alot. his weight fluctuates alot although has tended over the last ten years to stay in the overweight camp. he has slimmed down a couple of time and looked great but he has spent alot of time being even up to 18 stone.

unfortunately its not a good look to me, he however feels i should fancy him regardless.. surely fancying is an instinct.. like love - you cant force yourself to love/fancy someone that you dont? i still love him, but i dont fancy him when hes fat, i dont find it appealing at all and in my worse moments i find it really offputting and embarassing. fully expect to get a mouthful or 20 but i am being honest..

what do you think? how would / do you feel? i am lucky i spose that he fancies me regardless or weight / pregnancy, (unfortunately though i have virtually no interest in sex whatsoever at the mo , am bfing amongst other issues) but i wouldnt demand that he should fancy me if i was really overweight...

hmm

OP posts:

2rebecca · 10/02/2010 11:35

Fancying someone is very dependant on appearance. I love my kids unconditionally but sexual love is completely different. I think if you change your appearance alot then it's easy to stop fancying someone.
Sometimes you can stop fancying someone even if their appearance doesn't change.
He's not your brother or son he's your lover. If he wants you to love him like a lover then he has to look after himself.

meltedmarsbars · 10/02/2010 11:43

For his own health, help him get the weight off!

And if he really wants the relationship to last, he should look after himself, not change into a fat slob!

WeddingDaze · 10/02/2010 11:43

YANBU

TheProvincialLady · 10/02/2010 11:47

YANBU but why does your DP weight fluctuate so much? It is very unhealthy and suggests problem eating. Has he seen his GP about it?

Morloth · 10/02/2010 11:51

Well I couldn't give a fig what DH looks like, I am sure one day his handsome face will no longer be quite so pleasing. However when he gained a lot of weight after we got married (I cook like a farm wife but we live like bankers). He did ask me if I thought he had a problem and he did.

Low carb/lots of weight work sorted it out. A much more "blokey" solution than low fat/cardio work.

LilyLovesSid · 10/02/2010 11:51

Thing is, what if the OP had been a bloke and was complaining that he didn't fancy his parter because she had put weight on? Would everyone think this was BU?

For what it's worth my DP has put on a bit of weight since we got together, but nothing near the amount of weight I have put on (bloody kids!) and we still fancy eachother. But if you don't fancy your other half since he has put weight on then you can't make yourself do it. All you can do is have an honest talk with him and help him lose weight healthily if he wants to.

RockbirdandHerSpork · 10/02/2010 11:54

YANBU not to fancy him but I find your use of the word embarrassing rather . That's not a nice word to use. What have you said to him about it? I hope you haven't told him you find him embarrassing. Do you know what's behind the weight gain? Although, having said that, I'm overweight and I'm not sure I'd be able to explain if someone asked me why, other than I like food.

Problem is, speaking for myself here, you can only do something about it when you want to, not when other people hassle you to. You could tell him how you feel but that would make me feel worse tbh and less likely to be able to tackle the weight. Have you mentioned this to him at all?

MrsSawdust · 10/02/2010 11:59

My dh is overweight, but was slim when I met him. I've never seen it as a barrier to wanting sex with him - i want sex with him because he's my lover. I suppose if I'm really honest I do prefer him looking slim - maybe it is nicer to look at a nice toned bod - but it truly makes no difference to how much I desire him physically (if that's the same as fancying?)

wideratthehips · 10/02/2010 12:02

i woudn't be too keen if my dh was 18st, more for health reasons than anything else. he has a desk job so i would be very worried. also would not be keen on a big belly in the way of sex!

we are both slightly over weight and feel comfortable with the way we look...actually i'm more than slightly but its not an issue

does you dh do any physical activities? does he run around with your kids?

fernie3 · 10/02/2010 12:06

well I have to say that my husband has put on weight since we met, is about 15 stone now. It doesnt affect how much I want to be with him at all. When we first met I wanted to be with him because of how he looked etc but now I want to be with him because he is him!
If you are really that upset about it you could try to introduce the idea of healthy eating or just more days out walking etc without really letting on that you dont like the way he looks now.
However, if he has expressed a wish to be slimmer then you can help him more outwardly -- steer away from it being about you though.

Original poster

bokki · 11/02/2010 15:05

youre right RockbirdandHerSpork, embarrased isnt a nice thing to say, i have unfortunately been less than kind in frustration on occasion, altho have not said that. but when we are around people that look after themselves i dont feel great being with someone really fat.
it worries me that it doesnt seem to bother him... he looks so great when hes trim, and it seems a shame to look so out of shape as a life choice, but it doesnt seem much of a big deal to him. i think he does have issues with food, i think he uses it as a replacement for what he thinks hes missing (ie love) he also eats really quickly and huge portions, but doesnt seem to see that.. or he'll have a phase where he eats nothing but horrible stirfried veg, or cereal - theres no balance at all.

it makes it hard to deal with ...

but is nice to see im not the only one who thinks if people want some action they should keep themselves a bit in shape!!

OP posts:

JaneS · 11/02/2010 15:23

I'm a bit half-and-half on this. I fancy my DP like crazy and he's 6 foot and 16 stone. I think it looks good on him, to be honest. But I do worry about his health, and I did more when he was heavier. If you don't fancy him, well, that's maybe a bit scary. But if you are disconcerted by him being so overweight, that is fair enough: healthwise, he needs to lose some. It's a balance.

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