to be a judgy mc judge pants about my sisters "relationship"

[stanausauruswrecks]

It's a bit of a long story so bear with me..
DSis has got back together with her ex bf. He is IMO a knob of the highest order and has treated her like shit for the past 4 years and I refuse to collude with her fantasy that "it's all going to be wonderful now she's finally got him back"
the story is that 4 years ago they were living together when he announced he didn't love her anymore,she'd put on quite a bit of weight (up from 10/12-16/18) and moved out. Transpires he'd been shagging OW for some time, and within weeks of breaking up with DSis had moved in with OW. Dsis was devastated. They had talked marriage and kids once his kids from previous marriage turned 18 - so his ex couldn't get her hands on "his money" (he didn't have any..)
Over time DSis loses loads of weight. All the time in the backround cockboy has been telling her that he still loves her/that he's going to get counselling/they'll get back together yadda yadda yadda...she thinks he's the love of her life and believes everthing he says.However he's still with the OW and playing daddy to her son. Meanwhile there's lots of confrontation between Dsis and OW while he plays the "I'm so confused" card.
This has carried on for 4 years until last autumn. DSis and a friend bought a house together. All of a sudden he dumps OW, and starts sniffing around Dsis. All this comes to a head at Xmas when two things happen -on Xmas day, Dsis tries to convince our DB to drive around town looking for BF's car as it's not at his house. In the end they find it parked outside his sisters but to me it's evident that she doesn't trust him. The second thing was that my dad fell ill, and when my mum contacted DSis, she was with BF. Dad was taken to hospital 40 miles from homebut t was Dsis's housemate who ended up driving her to the hospital., he didn't have the balls to face us.
Now she's pretending everything's hunky dory. No mention of the fact that he'd left her with debts, and strung her along while he had his cake and ate it. She is trying to introduce him to my kids - which I won't to allow.I can't bear to see her hurt the way she was,again. She knows I will be there for her when it all goes tits up again.(he has ended all his previous relationships in a similar manner) We do speak on a regular basis, but I am so angry with her for allowing him to do this to her I can't stop myself having a dig most times I speak to her. So am I being unreasonable in being so judgemental on them?

You're well within your rights to be a judgy mcjudgepants, BUT you should try to keep your judgy thoughts to yourself.

Your sis has to make her own decisions and she won't thank you for having regular digs - it might even make her feel she can't turn to you when it does all go tits up, which is the last thing you want.

You're just gonna have to bite your lip and let her get on with it.

Oh I would be very annoyed - it's exasperating when you have been supportive to someone and they just do it to themselves again.

I wouldn't make digs but you can say calmly and assertively what you think - "I'm sorry but you know I think he's not good for you and I'm worried it's going to end in tears - please don't expect me to approve" etc.

Well, clearly he's sniffing round because she's doing well for herself (buying a house...)

If you could do one thing, try to persuade her to protect her assets. But she probably won't listen. May even throw the cash about if it makes him stay.

Sadly, she'll probably not listen to you. None so blind as those who will not see, and all that.

All you can do is be there for her when he takes her for every penny she's got and takes off with some other woman.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all
He sounds awful.
I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue when she's being such a fool.

Could you write her a letter, listing all the shit he's put her through (as well as the shit he's put his other women through), and that you can't bear to see him hurt her again?

There is nothing you can say that will make her see, sounds like it has to be the hard way for her.

However, that doesn't mean you have to put up with him.

My sister went out with an arse for years, splitting up, back together, treating her like dirt. As far as she was concerned, the sun always shone out of his arse and he could do no wrong.

She married him.

Twelve years on, he's still an arse, has had affairs, left once, she still thinks the sun shines out of his arse and they have a 10 yo daughter.

I gave up speaking to her about it years ago, as did my parents. The only time we ever discuss what an arse he is is when he is foul again and we offer our support without judgment. It has to be this way, this is what she needs as she doesn't have many close friends and is ridiculously loyal to him, so if we just told her what we thought of him the whole time, we wouldn't be in touch with her.

I love her, she's my sister. She has very bad taste in men and he's ruined her life, IMO. But its her life, not mine. I realised a while ago it was just selfish of me to want their relationship to end. Its what she wants, sadly.

In terms of me putting up with him, I have to if I want to see her. Its hard, I grit my teeth, kids diffuse it well, we keep visits short.

I don't think yabu but sadly I don't think you'll ever manage to persuade her he's no good for her.

A good friend was in a similar situation, he left her for another woman, she lost loads of weight, bought a lovely little house and, hey ho, ex BF turned up, missed her, loved her blah blah.

Her friends and family were horrified that she took him back, we all tried to get her to see sense, she married him. 15 years on he's still a total arse, he drinks, shags about, has massive debts, lets her and the DC down constantly, but she chooses to stay with him.

We've got to the stage where we've realised the only thing we can do for her is listen and sympathise and not give her a hard time over not leaving him. She has enough shit in her life already, so we bite our tongues. I sometimes I wonder if we'd done this from the beginning maybe she might've not defended him so much and perhaps realised what a dick he was?

Horrible situation to be in though, I wish I could offer some advice that would help you to get your Dsis to see sense.

My sister has made no bones about telling me what she thinks of my DP. I now no longer have a relationship with her. Very sad.