38 wks pg and hubby rejecting me for porn

[pinkpear]

i am hurting so much and just cant stop crying. I have the most loving husband in the world. he says he would die for me and our son. he is fab around the house , and has taken on so much of the things i can't do anymore because i am 38 weeks pg(IVF) i feel guilty about that because i sort of pushed him into ivf with my 'need' for a second child after 1mc and years of trying since. he is sporty always keeping fit and looks sexy and gorgeous. since i was 24 week pg he moved out of our bed into the spare room- he kept snoring and i kept him awake with tossing turning and oveheating etc we were both getting so tired. problem is since hes'moved rooms' hes also stopped having any form of physical contact with me too and i have been craving kisses and cuddles, a touch here and there. i approached him once about it and he said it was because of the mc b4 he didnt want anything to happen but that shouldnt stop him showing me some physical attention. anyway have been crying myself to sleep feeling very rejected most nights after just getting a pck on the cheek b4 hw went off to bed. last night i tried to enocurage him to climb in with me for a cuddle-'im too tired he says' and he pecked me on the cheek and went into the spare room. after 20 min i realised i could hear the pc. i went to the study the light was on and there was my hubby with the headphones on playing with himself watching hard porn. I was so hurt, i felt so upset that he chose this rather than me. He hasnt even said sorry, just'i need to offload every few days' then why the hell hasnt he come into bed with me to do it! i am not a prude over porn. in the past we have really enjoyed watching together and having fun but i really amnot coping with this at all. He bascially doent want me sexually, but says he loves me so much- i dont get it.I don't understand mens carnel desires or how they just don't understand how it makes us feel. All i want is some loving kisses and long hugs a massage touch. i understand that intercourse can be difficult now late in pg but we could try he just isnt interested. looking back its always me who has instigated everything. when i said i am his wife and if he needs to off load then why couldnt i join in with him his answer was - 'i dont have time for all that i just need quick release, theres always too much to do do in the house so i go online for a quick 10 min when uve gone to bed'. i just feel so low on his list of priorities. i am so gutted this is what he thinks of our sex life. i can't get the image of finding him and seeing his shocked face. how can i stop crying and get over this.

he's being cruel. I'm the first to say live and let live when it comes to other people's masturbatory habits and being in a relationship doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to wank but what he's doing is awful and very hurtful. He's witholding affection and physical contact which is cruel. You are also still a sexual person and have needs that he should also be thinking about, not just his own.
I feel very for you.

Hi. It sounds like he is normally a decent chap and i would believe him if he says that he is scared of causing a mc. I think men find it hard to just come into bed for a cuddle and for it to lead to nothing more tbh. So maybe he is worried he won't be able to stop himself and then might cause a mc. (Obviously we know it won't cause a mc.)I think all men look at porn sometimes and it doesn't reflect badly on their partner in any way. I also think men need things spelled out to them, so maybe ask if he would give you a little non sex affection if he is afraid of the sex kind.
Hope things will all go back to normal after the birth. Tbh it always took us a few months to get back in the saddle after a birth, but some people seem to get straight back to it! Good luck.

oh im so sorry you feel like this i dont see a problem with porn myself but i do think its a problem when your feelings are being neglected and your needs

really you need to sit and be outright with him some men do not find pregnancy attractive some do but you need to tell him how much this is hurting you as you need to feel you ahve his support and love and this will always leave resentment in your eyes if not sorted about the fact he wasnt there for you

my dp was really awful first 3 mths wouldn't come near me talk to me touch me i saw this as shock but its till really hurt so i cant imagine how you must be feeling we were intimate all the way to the last of my pregnancy though and not just through intercourse maybe you can suggest some nice sexual massages expalin you have needs and are feeling neglected if he doesn't want to have sex ask for kisses and cuddles if he refuses be honest with how this is making you view him and your relationship and he needs to make more effort

tell him if he has time to stand there and do that he has time to lay with you and do that no excuses

i am sorry you are feeling so sad but this really comes down to you to communicating and being really honest and telling him how you feel what you need

PS. I think some men feel a bit odd about having sex with a baby nearby, even if the baby is inside a womb!

also forgot to add some men also fear they may harm the baby and generally are scared how was he in first pregnancy towards you?

PPS. I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting to give your child a sibling. If you already had 13 kids i might think you shouldnt have pushed him into it.

sorry cant work out if you already have a child or second child was after mc?

It may be true that he is scared sex will cause a mc in which case he needs to read up on this as it is highly unlikely but even if so, that does not explain his refusal to touch & kiss you. It is not fair that he gets his "need to offload" but refuses your need for affection.

I don't think you should assume this is the End of Your Marriage or anything but I do think it is wrong of him to withhold from you and hurt you like this, and you both need to address it. He needs to acknowledge it. Hopefully things will improve.

thank you for your replies. today is just going to be a crappy day and when he comes home i am going to try and talk to him again. last night after i sobbed so much about how hurt i felt he did say he would come back into our room-said he didnt want to leave it in the first place. i am hoping we can work this through. but still cant get the image out of my head.

pinkpear

oh pinkpear , He does sound like a nice chap but i dont think the issue is the porn, its the fact that he is a bit cold and distant in the intimacy department and does not want to get close to you. My dh when I was pg with dd did not want to have sex because of harming the baby and some men feel a bit funny about it and I accepted that, therer are other ways of getting sexual apart from penetrative sex . You do need to both sit down and talk, and you to tell him what you have said here. He has to know how it makes you feel and that you are important too. Hopoe that you feel better soon and sorts things out.

You need to explain just how much his rejection has hurt you and why - I imagine the shock of finding him like that was more due to the fact that you felt so lied to, I imagine you thought ( not unreasonably) that he had no sex drive if he was saying he was so tired etc.
Don't make it about the porn, I'd say it was irrelevant in this situation - going off to masturbate alone after rejecting you is at the heart of the issue, that is relevant.
It's not reasonable or loving for him to still be satisfying his own sexual needs when he is ignoring yours, even if penetrative sex was off the menu for him, there is plenty more stuff you could have done together - if he needed "relief", I'm sure you could have done it for him, in a far more intimate and loving way than he was doing it!

He sounds like he has some kind of issues tbh. You need to get to the bottom of it and you need the whole truth from him before you can put this behind you.

My heart really goes out to you. When you are full of hormones at the best of times making you extra emotional the last thing you need is to feel rejected or in need of emotional comfort and you are getting shunned for porn. I understand not a lot of men want full sex with their partners but a cuddle and kiss or just a tender moment is not a lot to ask for.
Perhaps suggest an evening out together to ground the pair of you as a couple and tell him gently how upset you feel. Besides anything so many negative emotions arent healthy for you just now. Hope things work out and he stops this selfish hurtful behaviour x

Dh & I had a very similar situation ion 2001, only I wasn't pregnant. I have no issues with porn & I knew he liked to (to use your phrase) offload now & then, fine...all part of life.

Basically, it started with him withholding affection. We have both initiated sex in the past & for some reason, he just stopped. My advances were knocked back. It started out of the blue, no problems in our marriage etc, thought sex was fine.

One day I got home before he did & opened the post. One was the Sky bill (before everywhere went paperless) and on there was several porn movies. It all made sense, why he wasn't initiating, why he was knocking me back, why we hadn't had sex for months (In that year it was 3 times).

He was getting his, at the expense of me! This was happening sometimes when I was out (understandable) & also sometimes when I had an early night.

I felt just as you did. I spent the evening crying. I didn't say anything, just left the bill out. Nothing was said.

A couple of nights later I had an early night, got up for a drink & there he was....watching porn. It was easy to confront him, having 'caught' him.

What your dh does next is what matters the most, imo. He needs to redeem himself now he knows how his actions have affected you. As with my dh, he has been insensitive & stupid. He has let porn take over & has been neglecting you.

Do what I did...tell him, in no uncertain terms how you feel. If like me, you don't mind porn, then say that, but make sure he knows that it is the fact that he was using it and not being attentive to your needs. That you feel it was a replacement for what you should be having together.

We now have a healthy view of porn here, I am not the kind of wife who tells dh what he should/shouldn't be doing BUT it shouldn't be happening at the expense of me & us.

i toooooooooooooooooootally understand how you're feeling but my instinct here is that he's telling you the truth- he doesn't want to initiate physical intimacy incase it leads to intercourse and he's scared of that due to the miscarriage.

i had bleeding with my first baby and at one point there was an issue with her heart... with our second baby, my DH was very wary of anything that could hurt the baby so kept a bit of a distance. he was still very loving though.

i think the main problem in your situation is a lack of communication. talk to him about it but open your mind up to actually believing what he's telling you- he's frightened of causing another miscarriage. that's not to be sniffed at.

it'll take a while before you can get the picture out of your head but you need to accept that he's not perfect and it's not the end of the world.