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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

do I give my sister a massage?

38 replies

amigababy · 07/02/2010 21:24

Hello all, just need a bit od advice to see if I've mis judged my feelings on this one.

My sister and her dh are visiting from abroad soon, for the first time in 7 years. They are staying just 2 days, 1 with us, and one with our parents in a different town.
Knowing that I receintly did an NVQ in body massage and am now doing aromatherapy, she has asked if I can give her a massage while she's here. And also her husband, as he has a stiff neck (no sniggers please.)
I just think this is really inappropriate, they will be our house guests, we'll take them out for a meal, and have organised for him to go to a football match, with hospitality. A free massage (potentially for both of them) makes me feel a bit "used".
So to use the phrase - AIBU?
What do you think

thanks

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 08/02/2010 08:46

Won't have time??? Just how long does a massage take???

gingernutlover · 08/02/2010 08:51

a full body massage takes at least an hour

the time is the OP's though, to do with as she chooses yeah?

If she doesnt want to spend her time doing a massage then that's up to her. She is entitled to say no!

My mum is a massuese (sp?) and yes she needed cases studies to complete her course, but these were people who she had to massage several times over a period of time.

imagine the sister posting here on AIBU, would we all tell her she was perfectly reasonable to expect her sister to do a massage on both of them? Would we be saying her sister was selfish if she said no?

GibbonInARibbon · 08/02/2010 08:51

There must be more to this. It just doesn't sound reasonable to me. C'mon spill.

Ewe · 08/02/2010 08:52

Are you anxious about them visiting? It sounds like you are and that you're focusing on this as a way of 'processing' iyswim.

If you really don't want to do it say you pulled a muscle a few days before they arrive so you can't do massages for a week or so, lay it on thick about how annoying it is and voila.

msrisotto · 08/02/2010 09:04

Or, just say yes and never get round to it, sounds like you'll be really busy anyway and if she does ask say sure after shopping/lunch/tea/dinner/oh i'm off to bed now!

Original poster

amigababy · 08/02/2010 10:12

okey dokey, thanks for all your posts, this is what I think now
-yes I do have a big problem with assertiveness. I wouldn't find it easy to say what I feel to her, or say no, nor would I ask for a favour/massage/haircut etc from a friend so when it's the other way round I am surprised.

a proper massage does take a good hour, plus, for me, set up time and tidy away time

-she's been abroad 30 years and only been back about 4 times (Europe this is, not Australia) so I see her weekend as a flying visit. If she were here a week I'd have no problem about this as we'd have lots of time available to do many things, but they are only with us one day. She's a lot older than me and we aren't particularly close/sisterly. We only write/email, not phone, but it's not the lack of closeness that makes me not want to massage, but the lack of time that she is here.

Having said that, if BIL gets pleasure from the football match he's going to, then a massage for her would be one of her good memories of the trip too (I hope)

Posting this has given me a chance to think about why I feel so worried about the situation and maybe see it in a different way

OP posts:

PrettyCandles · 08/02/2010 10:15

YABU. Utterly.

In my family I'm the one with the 'good hands' and the only time I have ever refused to give anyone a massage was when I was suffering with RSI.

Even when I was pregnant, and didn't have the strength in my hands or the energy to sustain a massage, I would lay-on my hands and try to help that way.

They're family for goodness' sake! Visiting for the first time in 7 years, you say - so why not give them a bit of cherishing?

Slartybartfast · 08/02/2010 10:19

how would you feel if she didnt want you to give her a massage?
you have just learnt, is that right, you should pleased surely that they want one?
pehraps she thinks she is doing you a favour.

if you can't fit it in, you can;t fit it in.
they don't know that do they?
just say, we will see if we have the itme.
simple

Laquitar · 08/02/2010 10:20

You don't even know how you will feel on the day.You might want to.
Why over thinking this? Is not as you are going to sign a contract!

PuppyMonkey · 08/02/2010 11:01

But you don't have to do a full bleedin' hour ffs. Do a 20 min one - she's not expecting full spa treatments I bet!!

junkcollector · 08/02/2010 11:53

I think YAB a bit unreasonable about the massage but actually there are deeper issues about your relationship with your sister that you're not expressing.

Do you feel a bit resentful that she is only staying with you for 1 day and that instead of spending the short amount of time you have together catching up, asking you questions about your life, seeing where and how you live etc (having a proper conversation) she wants you to give her a massage?

If this is the case then YANBU in feeling the way you do. She probably isn't taking the piss though, she probably thinks it would be a nice bonding thing.

sunshiney · 08/02/2010 14:19

Amigababy - aplologies for my remark earlier in your thread, 'twas uncalled for.

Sidge · 08/02/2010 14:42

YABU.

That's what friends and family do - share 'skills'. Do each other favours. Surely a shoulder/neck massage only takes 20 minutes? You don't need to do a full body massage.

I'm a practice nurse and don't mind helping out friends and family at all; I've done dressings, checked BPs, removed sutures and all sorts.

I draw the line at doing their smears though

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