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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset by this?

53 replies

ThisHasMadeMeSad · 07/02/2010 19:23

Regular but have namechanged for this.

A friend has put on facebook that her DD who isn't quite 2yrs hasn't been sleeping recently and keeps getting up so she has resorted locking her in her bedroom. She also mentions that she has used medised on her too (I think on a separate occasion)

She has commented that her DD has been distressed by this but that she needs a break.

She is a good mum but has got (I feel) some really outdated ideas of what is appropriate usually nothing that bothers me particularly as we all have different ways of parenting our kids and I'm sure she doesn't agree with my more attachment style parenting but this has really worried me.

I know some MN'ers will say that I should mind my own business and even if I did say something she would take it badly I'm sure but I just feel so sad for the poor mite

WWYD?

OP posts:

LadyGooGoo · 07/02/2010 20:09

Oops!

Think problem with AIBU is everyone tends to give advice based on what they'd like to do, rather than what they'd do in reality.

Reality: LadyGooGoo is horrified by strict parenting of friend, more horrified at apparent lack of embaressment of said friend.

Does no more about it except feel guilty everytime meets friend or hears her name mentioned.

Original poster

ThisHasMadeMeSad · 07/02/2010 20:17

I think unfortunately I will be doing the same unless I can somehow bring it into convo when I next see her without sounding preachy.

If I felt her DD was in danger I would most certainly say something. As it is I think that what she is doing is based on poor judgment but that she wouldn't let her come to harm.

Like LGG says it's more her lack of embarrassment and realisation of the effect it will have on her DD that has made me

OP posts:

chegirlsgotheartburn · 07/02/2010 20:25

I lock the door when I put the two youngest to bed. I do it for about 5 mins. They fall asleep immediately if I do. I then unlock it and if they wake in the night or DS2 needs the toilet they can get out.

I didnt used to do it. Then DS3 discovered he could just get up and run about. It would not matter how tired he was, he would keep going for hours and hours.

So I locked the door, he got up and couldnt open it and went back to bed and fell asleep right away.

If he has been really upset or poorly etc I always go in and settle him. I would never just bolt the door and leave him.

They also used to have night lights and story CDS on. This also meant DS3 would run about like a loon and DS2 would keep getting up and replaying the CD over and over until the early hours.

So I stopped that too. I was a bit sad because I thought it was a nice way for them to wind down. But it didnt work out like that so I had to adapt.

They are very good at going to bed, they dont get upset and as soon as their heads hit the pillow (after goodnights and storytime) they go to sleep.

But I suppose if I posted on FB 'I locked the door and left the kids in the dark' it would look pretty bad.

LadyGooGoo · 07/02/2010 20:25

fishingboat · 07/02/2010 20:29

you have to think how would you feel being locked in a room, i wouldn't like it would you??? As for the medised I've heard other mums talking about using it on the children on occasions but I would never use it on my own children for this reason.I had the same problem with my little girl we put a stair gate on the bedroom door and let her get on with it, it only took a few nights to show her who was boss!! Have a chat with your friend come up with suggestions to try and get her child to sleep, go carefully though no mother likes to be criticised.

She was very silly to put this on facebook!!

LadyintheRadiator · 07/02/2010 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ThisHasMadeMeSad · 07/02/2010 20:39

She has changed her status now so I'll leave it cos as fishingboat says no one likes to be criticised and that is how she would feel if i said anything.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 07/02/2010 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyGooGoo · 07/02/2010 20:49

Had to stop reading that thesecondcoming...

Obviously I have the PMS emotionals on at the moment but feel sick now

Poor. poor little girl

fishingboat · 07/02/2010 20:50

good for you, i would never say ignore it, but if you really thought that child was in danger I'm sure you wouldn't of hesitated in saying something. Be a good friend offer support and advice when asked! From personal experience I have missed judge a friendship and been honest with views and they were not gratefully received END OF FRIENDSHIP!!

GlastonburyGoddess · 07/02/2010 20:50

Maybe suggest to here that locking her in her bedroom is really not acceptable, but what about locking other doors?or using a stairgate.

personally my ds's could both open a stairgate at under 2yrs of age, so that didnt work. we resorted in desperation to locking the kitchen and living room doors, and still lock them every night now. works very well

GenerationGap · 07/02/2010 20:50

Never heard of medised, can anyone tell me what it is?

parakeet · 07/02/2010 20:57

I think you are all overreacting to the locking in the room.

I have always shut the doors to my two children's rooms ever since they were born, so they are not disturbed by the noise of the telly or us coming upstairs to use the loo.

As we have rather high door handles in our house, they are effectively locked in the room. Has never bothered them in the slightest.

If the handles were lower down so they could reach them, and one child continually came out of the room at night, and I had tried other kinds of tactics to no avail, then yes, I would lock it to teach them they cannot win this battle. (Once they had broken the habit, then I would stop locking.)

And re Medised, many sleep experts and paediatricians recommend short-term use of a low-dose sedative as a way of giving parents having sleep nightmares who are at the end of their tether some temporary respite. This woman in question has simply done it herself using an over-the-counter medication.

LadyGooGoo · 07/02/2010 21:02

Unless woman is a sleep expert or paediatrician then she shouldn't really be self-prescribing.

And I believe said experts do this because children can become so chronically sleep deprived the can unlearn how to sleep.

Thank you Times and Tanya Byron

Original poster

ThisHasMadeMeSad · 07/02/2010 21:05

Parakeet - There is a difference with closing your child's door and locking it with the intent that they can't get out and them then become distressed by this.

Indeed I close my DD's door but at the first cry I go in to make sure that she is okay and do not let her become distressed.

Locking the door and not responding to DC needs is completely different to closing the door for safety reasons IMO

OP posts:

MollieO · 07/02/2010 21:05

Medised is a painkiller with the addition of a sedative. Not prescribed for under 6s now and not recommended by ds's paediatrician because of its unknown effects on brain development (lack of sufficiently long term research available at present apparently).

emmabemmasmom · 07/02/2010 21:07

Sorry, have not read the whole thread...

However, my grandma used to do this to my mom from a young age and going on through the years. To her it was fine. My mom still remembers it and has some issues now with tight spaces, feeling locked in ect. She even has nightmares of something happening like a fire or scary man in the house and not being able to escape. She has been in therapy for some other things and these issues were linked to her being locked in her room as a child. May not seem severe in black and white but it could, in theory, have a negative effect.

Personally, I would feel like you. I do not think this is a great idea. My DD is a little over 2. I close the door at night as well. She can reach the handle of the door. I use a flexi gate on her door so she can open her door and see out as she is afraid of the dark. I also know that she can climb over this gate if she really wanted to but she never does (only when it is on my door when I am trying to make an important call is when she demonstrates this skill!). Once she is asleep I take the gate off. What if something were to happen to me and she was just locked in there? I don't know but personally I would bring it up in a nice and friendly way and maybe try suggestions...

BooHooo · 07/02/2010 21:10

Locking the door whilst medicating a 2 yo unecessarily

Lovely, God knows what you could say though, to someone who does that

thesecondcoming · 07/02/2010 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle · 07/02/2010 21:17

How do you know she is not responding to her child's needs? (or even what those needs are?)

every night my toddler sleeps in a cage she can't get out of. It's called a cot.

emmabemmasmom · 07/02/2010 21:23

Putting your child in a cot is one thing. That is for the safety of your child.

Locking your child in their room while they scream their hearts out just because you need a break is completely different.

I am sorry but there is no child who's needs require them to be locked away.

gingernutlover · 07/02/2010 21:25

thishadmademesad you said

"There is a difference with closing your child's door and locking it with the intent that they can't get out and them then become distressed by this.
Indeed I close my DD's door but at the first cry I go in to make sure that she is okay and do not let her become distressed.
Locking the door and not responding to DC needs is completely different to closing the door for safety reasons IMO"

Do you know that the child is seriously distressed then? Do you know that the mum basically locks her in and walks away? Maybe I have missed something or you know something you havent put on here?

Original poster

ThisHasMadeMeSad · 07/02/2010 21:35

Gingernutlover - she commented that she tried to get out for 10 min then fell asleep.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I felt it would be distressing for a not quite 2yr old to be unable to get to her mum and not understand the reasons why.

OP posts:

parakeet · 07/02/2010 21:38

This is basically a debate over controlled crying. I know some people hate it and some people swear by it. I am one of the latter group, because I have recently done CC on my 2-year-old and it has given me life back. She was waking us up three or four times a night and we were shattered every morning. It starts to affect your mental health. Now, after only two nights of CC, she is completely cured. We are all so much happier - the 2-year-old included.

If the child keeps getting out of bed and out of her room, she needs to learn that at night-time, her room is where she must be. According to the OP, it sounds more like a temporary measure than a permanent state of affairs.

gingernutlover · 07/02/2010 21:39

hmmmm depends on the child maybe then

you could read into that "dd has just moved out of her cot and is being a right little madam about staying in bed so we locked the door to show her nothing exciting was going to happen. She got in and out a few times for 10 minutes then went to sleep"

It doesnt sound ideal for a 2 year old i grant you but you dont know that mummy isnt outside the door telling her go back to bed, you also dont know that the child is screaming the place down.

I would be concerned but there isnt an awful lot you can do about it and you have already said you dont think she would let any harm come to the little girl.

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