to think my mum should get over herself? Grrr

[JaneS]

I know this shouldn't irritate me so much but, damn, it does.

My mum is quite nutty at times and I'm used to it. She's just been with us for a couple of days. DP and I are getting married soon and mum has been trying to micromanage, ending with my dad telling her she was getting silly. So she spent an hour gritting her teeth and refusing to tell us what was wrong (obviously something was), and finally burst out tearfully that her mum had managed her whole wedding and not let her have anything she wanted.

I have heard this quite a lot before, and it's annoying because the other half of the time, she's telling me how I must do exactly what she did at her wedding.

Then she decided to have a stress about how she won't be able to talk to DP's parents (their English isn't great), and told me that she hates trying to talk in broken English to people and it is very hard for her. Cue more tearful moments.

Finally, she gave a big sigh and said she hoped I was 'being sensible' about the pill and such. I changed the subject, but as she was leaving she gave me a weird little speech about 'being careful' and looked pointedly at our flat, telling me 'it's far too small for any of that'. This is particularly irritating as she knows damn well other people in the same block of flats have small children, it's a nice area with a park nearby and lots of people would think it's a good place for children. She also knows that as I'm a student and DP doesn't earn much, we are probably never going to be able to buy the sort of house she brought us up in - which she insists on considering as the minimum necessary standard of living.

I'm ranting, I'm sorry, but I just feel such a lot of pressure from her that I think is really about the things she's disappointed about in her own life. I don't want to be unfair to her, but when I'm busy trying to plan my wedding, get to know my in-laws to be (and incidentally carry on working), I don't want to spend hours listening to her making one big tearful drama after another. Am I being a bit mean?

I think it's always going to be a bit tense when she is actually staying with you. You would probably feel calmer about the whole thing if you had your own space. Just try and bite your tongue until she has gone, then maybe think of something calm and reasonable to say about how her behaviour is making you feel.

She clearly has "issues" of her own, which to me arouses more a sense of pity than of anger TBH.

Yes I think you are being mean tbh.

She didn´t get the wedding she wanted, she won´t be able to have a great relationship with your ILs if they can´t even talk to each other, and it sounds as if she´s worried that she´ll never have grandchildren.

I think shes being swept along with the fear of change.

You are her little girl,she wants your life to be fantastic she wants you to do everything right she wants you to have a fabulous day and she feels 'responsible',I have no Mum but if I were you Id be giving her a lot of hugs and a lot of thankyous and reassurances that your inlaws will love her just as you do.

Yes, she does have issues and I do feel sad for her (not just angry). But I also find it difficult that every occasion that doesn't naturally revolve around her, she brings back to herself by becoming emotional.

diddl - I think I didn't explain myself very well. The reason she wants me to be careful with contraception is because she doesn't want me to have children yet. She thinks I'm too young and DP and I are too poor - but she has also said that she doesn't think we should have children until we own our own house with a garden for children to play in, and until I can afford to take 4 years off while they are little. She thinks I should have kids when I am 'about 28'.

You're not being mean at all. She's behaving like a child.

The only response to tears from a middle aged woman about how she didn't get the wedding she wanted (how many years ago?) is rolled eyes.

Tell her she needn't use broken english since she is s native speaker, and again with the rolled eyes at crying over something so trivial.

I'd want to kick her arse for her, the manipulative drama queen.

nickschick - thanks, that's a good idea, I will try to reassure her about ILs.

Point out that she has been obsessing over her mum micromanaging her wedding for all these years and see how upsetting it has been for her, surely she doesn't want you to carry the same upset with you for all your life too? She needs to be brave and break the chain of not having the wedding you want but instead imposing it on your daughter...

say that you know how much it upset her and that is why you have learnt from her and have always sworn that you are not going let ruin your life too...

good luck!

SOunds a bit like my Mum- she is absolutely lovely most of the time, but has sudden rushes of panic where she has to micromanage everybody to calm her own fears. Somebody else's birthday very easily ends up all about her and minor points of table laying or interior decorating take on an enormous emotional significance.

Tbh I think she does know what she is doing and does feel embarrassed about it; she just can't stop herself.

Thanks guys - makes a lot of sense and I posted in a fit of irritation. Will try to be a bit more patient now (and tell her we'll have kids as and when we want, not at precisely the age she thinks is right!).

LittleRedDragon you sound very mature. Don't know your age but what struck me about your post was the fact that you understand and are realistic about your housing arrangements.

My observation is that these days most young people want to start where their parents left off. They want the McMansions and the best of everything and feel hard done by if they don't achieve this straigtaway.

Your flat sounds lovely and in a nice area near a park.

Just concentrate on your wedding, give your mum a hug and understand that she is probably genuinely feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing.

She will have a great time on the day.