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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have the baby on my own

23 replies

fernie3 · 07/02/2010 14:45

My fourth child is due in august (althouh my last two have been 4/5 weeks early!).My father looked after my older two for a few hours last time (labour was only 3 hours so it really was only a few hours lol). He was upset about it as he doesnt like looking after the children, he doesnt apart from during the labour last time. This time he wont.
I want to try and find someone we can pay to do that - I dont know of anyone so I am aware that I might not be able to find someone but when I have mentioned it to other people they seem to think I am being unreasonable to want my husband there so much. Is it really that unreasonable? am I just being a coward?? My husband doesnt seem bothered either way lol.

OP posts:

BrahmsThirdRacket · 07/02/2010 14:49

Your dad is being really selfish. How hard is it to look after 2 kids for a few hours? What a loser. Your husband should also be more bothered. Do you have any friends/siblings you can ask? It's not unreasonable to want your husband there at all, I would feel scared about being left with midwives and doctors with no one to stick up for me.

gingernutlover · 07/02/2010 14:52

YANBU

but if I was you I wouldnt want my kids with someone who doesnt want to look after them. You need someone there with you when you give birth. Either find a babysitter or childminder or friend who will look after the kids or think about a doula so that your dh could have the kids.

Personally I would want dh to be there and I dubt me and you are in the minority.

bronze · 07/02/2010 14:52

YANBU

I wouldnt want to do it on my own either
Do you have any other family/friends you could ask? Sure/home start? Ask the mw for advice?

Original poster

fernie3 · 07/02/2010 14:53

I already have three children and a really distant relationship with my dad I dont really see him very much so I am not THAT surprised by him. I dont have any other family and friends I do have are just not in a position to be on call day and night etc. I didnt mean to make my husband sound like he doesnt care about me I am sure he does BUT I mean he wouldnt be devastated to miss the birth if he had to.

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 07/02/2010 14:54

also how old are your 3 children? Have just reread and a lot of people would find the idea of looking after 3 children on their own quite daunting (although i know my mum or dad would step up for it in this situation).

Original poster

fernie3 · 07/02/2010 14:57

gingernutlover they are all young - they will be 6,4 and 1 when the baby is due. As I said this is not a shock my dad doesnt like children, has never wanted to look after them and only did last time because I was rushed in with preeclampsia. I am not going to beg him or argue about it with him its not worth it. He has his life (he is only 52 so still works etc) I have mine!

OP posts:

Earlybird · 07/02/2010 15:00

What about your dh's family? Can they help?

Do you or dh have siblings who can lend a hand?

Original poster

fernie3 · 07/02/2010 15:02

My husbands family live a few hundred miles away (we are in Kent and they are in Merseyside) so the only option is if I can find someone who we can actually pay for this - I have heard somewhere of people doing this just not sure if they are in my area!.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 07/02/2010 15:04

you could hire a doula to be with you for the birth and `Dh could be with the other chidlren?

you could approach local childminders and nurseries etc to see if anyone would be up for it as a one off, to have the 3 DCs...

jamaisjedors · 07/02/2010 15:08

I have recently been looking for one-off care for my children while we attend a wedding.

I was surprised by how "easy" it was to find people - I posted a notice on "netmums local" (shh!!) and got several replies.

I also contacted a few of the childminders/nannies who were advertising on there and on gumtree.

Why don't you talk to a few people and find out who would be available for this kind of work (although of course you have no fixed date/time)..

YANBU, you will resent it if DH is not there I think.

taffetacat · 07/02/2010 15:08

I am guessing as you had pre eclampsia a home birth is out of the question?

If we need childcare we either pay a neighbour who helped out in DS' (6) class last year or cadge a favour from another mum friend. Would either of these be an option for you?

Original poster

fernie3 · 07/02/2010 15:10

I think the consultant would laugh at me if I suggested a home birth as i had preeclampsia with my last two and already have high blood pressure lol. I am going to ask on the netmums board I think . I dont even know my neighbours name! hopefully something will come up!

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 07/02/2010 15:22

i am assuming that the 6 year old is at school, could you ask them to pop a notice in bookbags for you asking if anyone would help? Or do you not know the other parents well enough?

Where in kent are you? I am in west kent and there are several nanny/baby sitting agaencies that do "supply" nannies ie one off's. I also know of a few lovely childminders in my area who do do this kind of thing. Or are any of the children at a preschool or nursery, maybe one of the staff there would like to earn some extra babysitting money.

Def try the netmums board too.

Original poster

fernie3 · 07/02/2010 20:11

Lulumama just had to say thanks for the doula suggestion - I have been googling like mad and its something that I really like the sound of and seems to be something we could afford (we looked into hiring a private midwife to come to the hospital with me but it was too expensive) after three births being ignored by hospital midwives it would be nice to have someone there who no offence to my husband (bless) didnt think childbirth was roughly the same as a sprained ankle - yes he has compared the two!.

OP posts:

foreverastudent · 07/02/2010 20:20

This is a reason some people give for having a homebirth.

chegirlsgotheartburn · 07/02/2010 20:30

YANBU

No woman should have to give birth on her own unless she wants to.

Seems like OH is leaving this all to you to sort out.

Hope you find some help in time.

harimosmummy · 07/02/2010 20:30

I'd second the doula idea. I had a doula both times. First time, she looked after my DSDs and the second time she looked after my DS.

Both times, I'd have had complete certainty that she could have looked after / been there for me if Dh had had to look after the kids for whatever reason.

And she was still a wonderful person to have with me.

A doula will give you the reassurance of being able to speak for you if she ends up as your birth partner.

If you can afford that, I would def. recommend it.

MrsTittleMouse · 07/02/2010 20:34

Do you have any friends who could help? I was a bit shy about asking for people to be emergency labour childcare, but actually, people (especially women who have given birth themselves) really seem to like it. I personally would think that it was quite an honour, being in on all the excitment, without actually having to do the delivery bit myself.

emmabemmasmom · 07/02/2010 20:37

I can relate as I have no family here and the only person in my DH's life is his dad. When I was due DD2 I worried a lot. I decided to go with a home birth for many reasons but also this was one of them.

However, they do tell you that you need to have someone else in case something were to go wrong as they would need your DH to help make calls and aid them or go with you. So, my FIL came and got DD1 once I was bad enough for the midwives to come. He watched her for 2 hours at his house and then brought her back home. DH then called my best friend to come. He got DD1 to bed and my friend stayed for the whole birth. It was nice to know someone was there in case we had to leave or if DH was needed to help the midwives.

Is there a friend of yours or DH's that could help? I know it is hard to ask but a lot of people would help in this situation if you just ask. Otherwise, ask your HV as she will probably know people for you to contact such as childminders who may not mind doing something like this. Also you can contact your local council as they would have numbers for people such as childminders/nannies and send you a list to your home. You can then just call everyone and I am sure there will be one person who would help you out. You never know until you ask! Good luck!

dixiechick1975 · 07/02/2010 20:39

Are your older ones in any form of childcare? My friend without family in this country uses one of the nursery staff as a babysitter.

I wouldn't want to give birth without my husband. Not to be grim but he is your legal next of kin and would have to consent/refuse treatment if you couldn't in an emergency situation.

liahgen66 · 07/02/2010 21:12

fernie i am a aDoula living in Kent

l c t walters @ sky.com (take out spaces)

I may be able to help you get sorted.

emmabemmasmom · 07/02/2010 21:31

Oh see! There ya go

BelleDameSansMerci · 07/02/2010 23:13

YANBU but I would also say that I had my DD on my own (with midwife, obviously) and it was a really magical and wonderful time - just sort of private between DD and me. My point is that it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I realise, though, that if you're in a loving and real relationship that you would want DH to be there.

Hope you get things sorted so you can have the birth experience you want.

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