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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to get up at some point

44 replies

wedlocked · 07/02/2010 12:54

DH works very long hours in the week and gets very tired.

At weekends he sleeps a lot. For example yesterday he worked in the morning, came home at lunch time, are lunch and slept until 8.30 pm. Woke up, watched a dvd, went to bed.

Today I took him breakfast in bed at 10.00 and he went back to sleep. Still asleep now.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off. I work all week too so this is my time off. Can't make noise, so can't vacuum (knew there was an upside!). Can't invite people round (he too tired and house a mess).

Feel depressed thinking life like this all the time. He can never go on holiday (always working) and he gets annoyed and a bit jealous of I do anything without him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 07/02/2010 12:59

YANBU

if he is ill /depresssed and that tired, he needs hlep , which he needs to ask for

however, as a grown adult, a father and a husband, he has to make time for the family.

do you have children?

it is totally unreasonable that he spends the entire weekend asleep or working, and spending no time with you

and not letting you get on with reasonable things like having folk round and doing housework

i have a DH who also works long hours.. sometimes 14 hours a day. yes, he's tired, but what adult with responsibilities isn't tired

and why the hell are you taking him breakfast in bed and mollycoddling him ??

Lulumama · 07/02/2010 13:00

sorry, that sounds a bit harsh!

but you can't complain about him lying in bed and then take him brekky in bed and enabling to think he is a poor wee soul who needs special nurturing

peppapighastakenovermylife · 07/02/2010 13:01

Define very long hours? Doing what?

If he was working 14 hour days hard labour then maybe he needs to catch up. If he is doing this to support his family whilst you look after three DC's then it may be more understandable.

However you say you work - are you looking after children all weekend whilst he sleeps? Does his income form a very large part of your finances or are you earning equally and also doing this?

heQet · 07/02/2010 13:03

I agree with that. Stop waiting on him.

Men used to do 12 hour shifts down the pit, come home and work in the allotment! .

I can understand the need for time to relax, but he is taking the piss, imo.

And you are helping. Stop serving him!

Does he have to work in the same job?

It's also very unreasonable of him to say that because he 'can't' go on holiday, that you and the kids can't. WHY should they miss out on trips etc?

If you are not happy with the life you have - change it.

Original poster
wedlocked · 07/02/2010 13:08

Our children have left home in the past couple of years (at university) so it's a bit lonely nowadays.

He has started his own business and it seems to be doing really well, but it all hinges on him so I know it's a lot of responsibility.

It's just that he is SO tired. Honestly, he comes in at night, eats dinner, falls asleep. I usually have to wake him and say 'you are snoring and I can't hear the television'. Then he rather crossly goes to bed. When I go to bed later he usually wakes up and gets annoyed and says he can't go back to sleep (he does though).

If I sleep in another room (because I don't want to go to bed at 9.30!) he gets sulky and accuses me of not liking him.

I feel really depressed. Whats the point of making money if you never see each other or go anywhere?

OP posts:
stressedHEmum · 07/02/2010 13:09

YANBU,

My OH is like this. He works long hours, travels 3 hours a day, 6 days a week and gets tired. BUT he spends almost all the time that he isn't at work sleeping. He is in bed, now. When he gets up, he will likely spend hours sleeping on the couch, curtailing all our activities. To make it worse, we have 5 DC and I have to do EVERYTHING in the house and with DC. I HE 4 of them as well, so I am with them all the time. He almost never sees them, and when he is home doesn't spend any time with them because he is asleep. And I have been ill all week and have had no help from him at all, not even a cup of tea!

I feel as if we have no life at all. If I were you, I absolutely wouldn't be taking him breakfast in bed, though, as this just encourages it. Having said that, if I don't make my OH something, he doesn't eat because "it's my job" to make his meals, he, apparently can't find any food in the house!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/02/2010 13:09

Surely he must be able to take some time off? What on earth does he do?

He is being selfish by sleeping all through the weekends, but as others have said you are giving your tacit approval by taking him food etc.

Does he help out with chores or do you do it all despite working as well?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/02/2010 13:14

Ok so it's his own business. That is hard work, but also he is entirely in control of his own destiny.

He would work more efficiently if he took some leisure time.

What was he like when the children were still at home and before he started his own business?

Original poster
wedlocked · 07/02/2010 13:15

Long hours are - he usually leaves about 6 am and gets home at 7-8 pm. He often does paperwork when he's not actually at work.

He is a builder and designer.

I work 9-5 Mon-Fri. I earn OK, but nowhere near what he does.

I gave him breakfast as a kind of hint that the day is beginning! Also, I feel a bit bad because he is tired from work (not out socialising!)

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/02/2010 13:21

Erm, those hours are not that long. The DH of a friend of mine has his own business and often works 20-hour days when things are very busy.

But, he takes time off, they go away for the odd night in a hotel and took a 3-week holiday this summer. It is possible to achieve a balance.

He needs a reality check. I bet that by the time you have worked and then done all the household stuff your hours are fairly similar to his.

Lulumama · 07/02/2010 13:23

well, he can;t have it both ways!!
sounds very sulky to me

you can either let him sleep all weekend and slump aroudn the house feeling resentful

or you can go out, see fgriends, do what you want ! if your DCs aren't at home, you can go and visit them, see friends, take day trips.. do what you wnat, there is no need to be tiptoeing round th house.

he needs to find some work life balance

DH works v v v long hours including every weekend, but come what may, monday and sometimes a tuesday too, we do something , he takes teh DCs to school , we'll go to town, get some lunch, do some errands or just watch telly. but we have to have that one day a week

stressedHEmum · 07/02/2010 13:23

He wouldn't be so tired if he did something, iyswim. Even going for a walk in the afternoon, together, or out for lunch. It would also help with his ability to function better at work. Does he really need to work those kinds of hours? Perhaps if his business is doing so well, he should take on a pt assistant or something?

My OH leaves about 7am and gets back between 7:30 and 10pm, depending on whether he is working overtime or not, but he is a minion and has to do as he's told really.

heQet · 07/02/2010 13:25

No. they're not long. When we had our business, one or other of us would be in the office at 11pm. And we rana 24/7 business, so would get calls at 4am.

We still found time for family. And our kids were little as well. And we took them out and on holiday (ok, armed with laptop, diary, phone book and mobile, and sometimes gave up and came home but still...)

So it can be done.

Original poster
wedlocked · 07/02/2010 13:28

When the children were at home he was often asleep tbh! Although a kind and nice dad.

He worked freelance then and was always worried that if he didn't take the work when it was there it would dry up.

Part of the reason for starting the business was that he would eventually have more time/be more in control. Good joke!

He doesn't do much housework (no time!), but he also has pretty low standards so he thinks I am ridiculously fussy for bothering to iron for example.

I think he is getting up now (his mobile has been ringing).

OP posts:
Lulumama · 07/02/2010 13:40

if he's been like this for years, it is a hard way of life to alter. he is getting it all on his terms, and your needs are being ignord

however, i n your shoes, i would so not be waiting around the house for him to get up, i'd probably be sitting in a nice pub by now, with a nice roast lunch, glass of vino and a book, whilst he snores away!

bronze · 07/02/2010 13:47

Agree with stressed

Getting up and doing something would give him energy.
My DH has recently discovered this and its like a new him. HEs less tired but get smore done

Original poster
wedlocked · 07/02/2010 13:49

I think I have to make plans for weekends and evenings and ignore the sulking!

The pub lunch sounds good!

Thanks ladies. x

OP posts:
TheUsefulSuspect · 07/02/2010 13:50

Why don't you start going out with your friends once or twice a week, that might snap him back to life, if not just get on with your life and either accept that you will need to find things to do without him, or kick him to the kerb

rookiemater · 07/02/2010 14:11

Well he is going to find it hard to sleep at night if he spends all day sleeping. You know you are facilitating his behaviour by bringing breakfast in bed. Is he a bit depressed ?

At least if your DCs are older its not a question of him not helping with then, agree with those who say to go out.

egbok · 07/02/2010 14:22

Doesnt sound like he is exactly loafing, but how frustrating for you! I'd have a talk about working out a better balance, maybe get him to committ to doing some activities on the weekend with you (in the afternoon!)

But otherwise best make your own plans for the morning so you're not tiptoeing around the house wondering when he's going to get up. Maybe you can go to the gym or do a class or something saturday mornings so at least your weekend gets off to a good start.

Seabright · 07/02/2010 14:38

I have this too. Self-employed, sleeps until lunchtime at the weekends. Gets home really late so we don't eat until 10pm. Which means I'm always knackered, because I have to get up at 6am to go to work (full time) and get house and baby sorted.

I do all the housework & household management and all the weekend childcare too, as he has "things he needs to do". Like I don't, of course.

We don't go on holiday either, but to be honest I don't mind that so much, as I know I'd just end up doing axactly the same as at the weekends, just in a less convieniant location without all my own stuff.

Oh, and he chooses not to start work untill 11am so he has time to read the paper at home and spend 1 hour+ in the bathroom (what do men do in there?)

Sorry for thread hijack. I just wanted to vent.

And breathe....

AnyFucker · 07/02/2010 14:51

This thread is an absolute eye-popper

Why do some of you take on so much of the housework and childcare when you work yourselves ?

I am sorry, but while you tolerate this, nothing will change

Get off MN, start hoovering around the bed of the lazy fuckers

send the kids in to wake him up

but whatever you do, stop martyring yourselves to these selfish and idle men

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/02/2010 14:58

Seabright - are you serious?

Why don't you eat with your children and then he can fend for himself - if it's his choice to do the hours so late in the day????

AF - spot on, I am really amazed at the way some women allow themselves to be treated.

thesecondcoming · 07/02/2010 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 07/02/2010 15:10

seabright - I would eat with the kids and go to bed early

you will feel so much better