To take the kids out tomorrow and miss contact with their dad?

[spookycharlotte121]

he was supposed to be coming over this evenig to help with the kids. They arent sleeping and as well as being exhausted from dealing with that im having a few health issues to do with glandular fever I had a few years ago and as a result feel like crap.
He has decided to watch the football instead so wont be coming over. Im so tired. Sat here crying because I cant cope and he refuses to recognise that.

sunday is his day for contact and we were all going to go to the park for a few hours. (we both have to go as exp has supervised contact now)
Instead i feel like going with out him and ignoring his calls when he phones for a lift. Im fed up of him treaating me like a fool, expecting me to give him lifts to mine and asking for favours when he gives nothing in return. I know its petty but I just want him to wake up and smell the coffee and realise that I have had enough of his games.

Sorry, very understandable, but not a good idea. You need to set a squeaky clean example and you need to make sure the kids do get to see their dad.

On the other hand you are well within your rights to do him absolutely no favours at all. If he doesn't do any for you why should you do any for him? If he wants to go out with the kids he can make his own way over. Just make sure he knows well in advance.

I can see why you are pissed, and if it wasnt for the supervised order I would say you were cutting your nose off etc

Will your day be more or less stressful without him?

Have you told him how hard things are for you?

Can your parents help out?

Poor you, I'm sorry you're feeling so crap. I have to say, though, that YABU - well, not unreasonable, but it's not a good idea. You REALLY don't want to be playing tit for tat games with your kids' access to their dad, do you?

However, I don't understand why you are doing favours and giving lifts - you could certainly make it clear to him that favours are reciprocated, and if he isn't going to help you out you won't help him out. But don't deny him access to the children; it's not worth the bad feeling it will cause.

If i dont pickhim up then he wont see them.

Depends on whta sort of mood he is in in regrds to the day being better or worse without him.
He saaid he will caall in the morning when he is up and I know he waants to he home for for the stupid fucking football.... so by the time he has got out of bed it will be at least 11.

Worst thing is that ds thought daddy was going to be here tonight. I hte him. He is such a tosser. I wish he would just help a bit more even if it was just financially so that I could get a babysitter.

*home for 3 for the football

I can understand why you want to do this- feeling the way you do is not unreasonable but don't put the kids in the middle. You should encourage access- HOWEVER that does NOT have to include you providing transport etc when he doesn't lift a finger in return- he gets the fun bit- playing with the kids at the park but no responsibility.
I think you need to go this time and make a time to sit down without the kids and explain that you are no longer able to provide lifts etc and he needs to sort all that out himself.

So hang on. He is arriving some time after he get up at 11, and he wants to be home again for 3??

Riight. how sad for your kids

Also, him getting to and from your pace is NOT your problem Yes, you have to let him have access, it doesnt mean you need to arrange transport for that access!! He should walk/bus/cab to you.

Kansas - x posted!! I agree you are TOTALLY NOT liable for transport to his access visits.

Yabu but I am sorry that you are having a hard time of it. Can any other friend/family member help out with kids? Also can't exp make his own wAy over so you don't have such a hectic day?

Really would echo the don't get at access cos you are annoyed- I stil feel major pain and damage of having that happen to me after 30 years and I wil be honest that whilst I see why my mum did it I wish she hadn't.

He is a knob. I sugested that we use sunday to do something nice with the kids because currently he doesnt interact with them at all. he sits and plays on his phone or the computer and leaves the kids to play or watch tv.
I thought that by going out he would have to interact with them. Its also good for me in the sense that it is a stuggle with 2 todlers on your own so with an extra adult they are a lot easier to control and they get to do something nice.

A few weeks ago when I suggested the going out thing he said that he would rather just chill out after a busy week. like i say he is a selfish knob.

I think if I stop the lifts he wont come aanymore. would take him over an hour to waalk and he wont be able to afford the bus. He is on JSA at the mo.

In a way its my own fault. I made him have access.... I forced him really for the sake of the kids and now 18 months down the line he is losing interest. I wish I hadnt bothered. He doesnt deserve them.

Sorry for sounding so bitter. Just not coping very well at the mo and him letting me down this evening has upset me.

Yes he is. Yes, he must hae supervised acess, that does not mean he can sit and use your computer, an you can also say it is not to be in your home. Are tere contact centres available?

If he wants to see the kids, he will "save" the 4 pound a week in bus fares - surely his kids are worth that???

nd if they are not, then fine, let himdrop the access, then take him ack to court and change the access orders in your favour - like you say, you dont know why you bothered!! you have tried, he has not steppe dup, it i better to be rid of him than have him flit in and out and affect the kids self estem by being a totally disinterested father!!

He sounds like a complete tosser - and you have my full sympathy!

Alas, like others have said, you can't just stop access - it needs to be court approved.

Short term - I would go to bed with the kids. Snuggle them up with you and have a good nights sleep.

Tomorrow - is there somewhere nearer him that you can go? If not - I'd collect him etc this one last time.

I would also say to him that he's not showing any interest in the children and letting them down (this evening) for no reason. You are no longer able to collect him etc but will back up a claim for expenses from social services. I would then inform him that he has to buck up his ideas or you will going back to court to have his contact order looked at.

It's an awful situation, and one that I've no experience of at all (probably used lots of wrong terminology), but you have to do things by the book alas. I really hope it gets sorted for you.

Oh spookycharlotte, he does sound like a knob . I don't know how far you should go to facilitate your ex having a relationship with his kids. My mum tried; my dad couldn't be arsed; he was always letting us down and when he did come, he only talked to her. No financial support either; no birthday cards, christmas presents etc. Nothing she did really made any difference; we were quite aware that he wasn't interested in us and didn't love us.

So I suppose you need to decide how much you think your children need access to their dad, and how much you're prepared to do to make it happen, and abandon all hope that your generosity will be reciprocated or even appreciated. You have to think that you're doing it for them, not for him. But you can't create a relationship for him if he actually can't be arsed. Personally, I don't think you're under any moral responsibility to give lifts; if you're allowing access, then anything more you choose to do is up to you and shouldn't be expected by anyone else.

Good luck.

verity sounds like my ex. Before the supervised access when he took them out I used to have to pack them some lunch and juice. I also used to have to count the nappies as they were seeming to get through an awful lot and horrible as this sounds i suspected he was keeping them for his gfs dd.
The park is near his house hence the reason for going there. Its nice has lovely walks and is clean with good play equiptment.

Im so tired of it all. dont know what i havae done to deserve it.

I have to say that there is a limit to the degree which you should go to enable your children's visits with their Dad. If he wants to see them he will.

I think you risk the relationship deteriorating but I see your problem and empathise

Is there another adult (grandparent) who can do the supervising so you get some time off.

If he is just going to drift away from them anyway I think you may be just better to cut your losses and let him disappear now tbh.

He doesnt speak to his mum and my mum works shift work and has a lot of out of work commitments so cnat always commit to being around. He wont speak to nay of the rest of my family really.

I'm sorry you are having such a shit time.

YANBU to take your Dc out without that twat.

Are you gettin some help from sure start?
They might be able to help you.

SpookyCharlotte - If the problems regarding access ever came in front of a family law judge in the court, I can GUARANTEE you that the judge would INSIST that the father would have to find the money to transport himself to and from the access and ALSO that the father HAS to provide ANYTHING the child will need for that access visit - clothes, food, nappies, formula milk if FF, honestly, I've been there twice. While I can (truly) understand why you're trying so hard to make him have contact (I had to do the same sort of thing at first with DS1's dad), it will NOT help a bad father to become a better father.

When I laid down the law with DS1's dad (he was about 18mo at the time, and I'd just had DS2 with my new partner, so being unable to run around after ex like a skivvy), he stopped seeing DS1 for 6 months. He then took me to court for access ( didn't remember ME stopping it lol). Judge made him (out of HIS jsa) pay his transport, and told me not to provide ANYTHING. Due to 6 months of no contact etc, we started off with supervised in a contact centre progressed to unsupervised day visits, then overnights.

Where we are now with access, now DS1 is almost 7yo : Ex has become a brilliant father, pays for half of all school trips without prompting, buys clothes, school uniform, shoes. He has DS1 overnight EVERY wednesday, every other weekend, half of ALL school holidays, and has genuinely turned into a decent human being. (god, did I just say that!). I can now see the Judge's point. I was enabling his crappy behaviour by allowing the situation to continue like that, and when ex was made to step up to the plate, he did.

I'd say do it the way you had originally arranged this once, as a last time, despite your ex's general twuntishness. Then make it plain that if other fathers can manage to catch buses etc to see their DC, he'll do it if he really wants to. He is to pay his own transport, and provide anything your dc's may need for the time he is with them. Don't have access in your house - christ, DS1's dad when he got serious used to find the money for soft play out of his jsa - And that he is to turn up on time. I strongly suggest putting your foot down about HOW the contact takes place, but NOT about stopping the contact. Good Luck.

(oops, that should read : now that DS1 is almost 8 )

YANBU to feel that way, but I think you should just try to get through seeing him tomorrow UNLESS it will cause you extreme stress (rather than just normal levels of idiot ex stress)

In future maybe you should make the children available for the arranged contact - but just tell him you can't give him a lift; you'll be at the planned place from X time to Y time, but if he isn't there by Y you will be moving on to the next part of your day.

You don't need ot give him a reason why you can't give him a lift - you don't need an excuse.