Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be terrified of making radical changes to our lives

26 replies

strawberrycornetto · 05/02/2010 22:02

I work flexible but very long hours as a city lawyer. I have two DCs aged 5 and almost 2. My husband has a job that takes him away about 50% of the time. In the last year I got extremely stressed/depressed because I couldn't cope with everything on my plate. DH and I agreed (partly as a result of counselling I had) that we no longer want to live like that. We planned to downsize our house considerably and for me to stop working.

So, it is all coming together. We have found a great house is a great village and by the summer we should be moved and I will have resigned. So why am I so scared?

I seem to have so many worries about it. I have never lived in a village. Will DD settle in a new school, will people like us? How will I adapt to giving up work and being a SAHM. Anyone done similar who can reassure me? Part of me thinks it will be the best decision we ever made and part of me is terrified!!

OP posts:

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 05/02/2010 22:06

It's the fear of the unknown. You won't know what it's like until you try it. Children are really resiliant, she'll love all the open space, jump in and see where it takes you.

maxpower · 05/02/2010 22:07

They sound like perfectly natural worries about making a big change to me. It doesn't sound as though you and your DH have made a snap decision to do this and you have to remember the reasons you want to change your lifestyle. Go for it - if it doesn't suit you, you can always rethink. Very best of luck.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 05/02/2010 22:07

It's only natural to be frightened about a huge change. Like you, I'm a full-time City worker and could barely imagine a different way of life (despite the desire to!). I think that if you weren't fearful of it, perhaps you hadn't considered the enormity of what you are doing.

Children are very adaptable so they will settle in time. If you don't like being a full-time SAHM, I'm sure you could find some consultancy/part-time work in good time.

I've not done this myself but when I've secured my family's financial future (give me a few more years!), I'll be just as frightened as I'll be doing just what you are. You've made what seems to be an overdue and amazing lifestyle decision. Good for you and good luck!

parakeet · 05/02/2010 22:10

I'm not sure anyone can reassure you really, as everyone's circumstances are unique. But all I can say is:

All you can do is give it a try. If you try it for a year, say, and find out it's not for you, there may be ways you can move to more of a compromise - perhaps working part-time in a less demanding job. Well done for having the courage to take the plunge, though.

AKMD · 05/02/2010 22:14

Have you read The Undomestic Goddess? I usually avoid chick lit like the plague but that had me crying with laughter in the middle of an airport (everyone watched me as the flight was delayed and there was nothing else going on...) and it is all about a city lawyer making the transition you're about to make (minus children and husband). It might be worth a read just to make you smile

I work for a multinational as part of their in-house legal team but am currently on maternity leave. It's a very intense job, the hours are ridiculous and there is no time when you are not 'on call'. I found going from that to mooching around at home all day very strange at first but I am slowly getting used to having time to myself. I have a few weeks before the baby arrives and the best thing I have done so far is to make a list of 'jobs' that I need to do before then, like getting to know things like where the post office is, the best walking route to the park and scoping out activities suitable for mums and babies in the local area. That gives me a focus for my day and has really helped me to settle into being part of the local 'daytime' community too - it's been less than a week but there are already lots of friendly faces!

woodyandbuzz · 05/02/2010 22:16

It is terrifying, but I would go for it.

Original poster

strawberrycornetto · 05/02/2010 22:42

Wow, thanks everyone for both understanding and being reassuring - DH doesn't get it at all! One thing I do know is I loved maternity leave both times which I do think is a good sign. My plan is to wait until ds starts school which will give me a 2 year break and then retrain. But the village does allow me to commute into London if I miss it too much (heaven forbid!). It does feel very scary but we did think it through so am sure I am just panicking now the dream is looking more like reality.

I have read undomestic goddess - not sure what DH would think if I found myself a sexy gardener!

OP posts:

AKMD · 05/02/2010 23:32

Maybe he could learn to be one ;)

Good luck!

Triggles · 06/02/2010 06:43

I have to agree that the unknown is probably the worst part. Once you get there, you'll be busy acclimatising and enjoying it.

Another fan of the Undomestic Goddess here as well.

Divawithattitude · 06/02/2010 17:03

Sign up to volunteer for the CAB, offer your services to a Legal Advice Centre - you may even find that you enjoy it an can't imagine going back to the city!! Its what I did and have never looked back.

MNHQ

OliviaMumsnet · 06/02/2010 19:43

If it's any help I moved from C London (11 mins platform to platform from Ox Circ tube) to a commutable village when DS was 4 weeks old, despite me having never really lived in a proper village before either and we've had no regrets.

Good luck with it all

MrsC2010 · 06/02/2010 20:15

Go for it! And well done to you and your family for assessing your position and making this choice, many wouldn't.

We have done similar (bit by bit) and are very happy. We're looking (secretly!) at going even further in the next 18 months and moving counties to afford bigger house/lifestyle change so that we can have both the family AND the lifestyle we want. It is too expensive where we are to have both, and we don't really want our life choices to be dictated to us like that. Not sure what others will think though...I'll probably be starting my own thread like this nearer the time!

Goiod luck. x

Original poster

strawberrycornetto · 06/02/2010 20:29

Thanks all. I am keen to do some sort of volunteering so cab sounds like a fantastic idea. I am pleased we are actually doing it - I cannot wait for the reaction when I resign.

OP posts:

Divawithattitude · 07/02/2010 17:08

Although volunteering is a start you will be surprised at the doors it opens - and you may find yourself with a totally new career based at home!!

karen2205 · 07/02/2010 19:01

I'm never a fan of making lots of changes all at once and I'd hate to do what you're planning on doing, simply in terms of the huge change from where you are now to where you're intending to go to.

If you're sure it's the right decision for you, then spending some time learning more about the village, working out how you'll stay in touch with friends from elsewhere and making other plans for things you can do once you're not working might help. Also agree with the suggestion to look at volunteering.

If you're not sure if it's the right decision, can you go back and look at it again and maybe implement bits of it and redo other bits - if you're stressed about work and your husband travelling a lot, so you're (presumably) left with much more childcare to do than he is, maybe you could look at other changes eg:
*reducing your work hours
*changing job to one that's full time, but not more than full time in terms of expected commitment
*your husband changing job to one requiring less travelling
*support within the home - would you feel comfortable with a cleaner?

piratecat · 07/02/2010 19:04

terrifying yes, naturally, cos you are making some really big changes. BUT, changes that allow you to have space, time and a breather!! You are in a great situation, i'd say.

lovechoc · 07/02/2010 19:14

I love hearing stories like this - people just packing it all in to start a new way of life. Money isn't everything and to downsize and enjoy your life fully is an opportunity not to be missed out on. Being a SAHM can be stressful at times, but what job/role isn't? there's pros and cons to everything we do. But you'll adapt quickly enough, your DC will keep you busy. Good luck with everything.

If there's a will there's a way.

LeQueen · 07/02/2010 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ibbydibby · 07/02/2010 20:07

We moved from London to the countryside about 2 years ago, with DCs aged 11 and 7. I had been desperate to move back to my county of birth for years, and when DH finally got the opportunity to transfer with his company we did it.I have always worked from home since DCs so made no difference to my working habits.

I have to say I have found it really hard. One of the things I disliked about London was the way that one area merged into the next, there were no clear-cut boundaries between eg suburb A and suburb B. I craved to live in a town/village that had v distinct boundaries. Now that I do I find it really weird. Am in largeish village and find that we see the same people at various different clubs/activities. Feels weird.

Have also found here that people are less willing to chat/welcome outsiders than in London. I am constantly having to make a huge effort to be accepted, and while I admit that is part of moving to a new area, long term residents of the village seem unwilling to make any effort. There are times when I feel exhausted from trying to fit in.

DC1 has had horrible time of being accepted (long story), DC2 better possibly because he is younger. DH (so far) loves it and v happy for having made the move. I really miss my London friends, and London life, and nearness to museums/Kew Gardens/other London attractions.

BUT I don't regret moving, as I feel that if we hadn't taken the opportunity, I would have constantly been wondering what would have happened if we had moved. I think I am a creature of habit, and don't adapt well to change, which I think is part of my problem.

Your children are a lot younger so you will have more opportunities to socialise/meet up with other parents than I have done.

So, hope I have not painted too bleak a picture - just my recent experience!

boudoiricca · 07/02/2010 20:19

I think the fact you have concerns and worries is a good sign. Change is hard, even if it's for the best. And not going in with entirely rose-tinted spectacles is probably a healthy approach.

Village life is very different to that in a big city and when you are changing everything - work, house, location, etc etc. there probably are going to be times when it seems hard - and it will probably take you longer to adjust than you anticipate... The first 6 months will be tough and it could be 18 months before you feel fully adapted. But I think you know that and have made a reasoned decision...

Good luck and enjoy

NonnoMum · 07/02/2010 20:26

I think one thing you are likely to find is that there will be lots of other mums with a brain just like you and you will probably make some very good friends (it's just that they got out the year before).

fairylights · 07/02/2010 20:30

we too are anticipating a big move in the next year or so (depending on dh getting a particular job!) and although its terrifying on one level i am really really excited at the prospect.. we moved to where we currently live 4 years ago knowing no one and me not having a job. the first couple of years were really hard work in terms of getting to know people/feeling like we were part of a community.. but since then it has been great. I am daunted at the prospect of doing it again but know that we can do it - i just know the first couple of years might feel a bit lonely sometimes. All the best to you, and well done for being so brave

MammyT · 07/02/2010 21:31

Well done to you! You can always take up a job with less hours if you get bored and need a challenge outside the home. Good luck!

sunnydelight · 07/02/2010 22:49

It would be even stranger if you weren't worried about it. It's obviously something you have thought out well, and as you say you haven't totally shut the door on future possibilities if you can commute to London at a later stage.

Change is scary, but it does stop life getting stale! We moved from Brighton to Sydney 2 1/2 years ago with three kids - yes, very scary but ultimately the best thing we ever did. I sometimes thing "what would I be doing if I didn't make the move" and never come up with anything better than I'm doing right now. Good luck with your new life

RedLentil · 07/02/2010 23:00

We made the jump from academic careers. DH retrained as a teacher and I'm a 'sahm with freelance work' and it is the best thing we could have done.

We moved from London to rural Ireland and though I have good friends and family an hour away, we chose to start afresh together in a new village.

I was allergic to change and took a lot of persuading to make the move, but the hardest bits were saying 'yes' to the plan and handing in my notice. After that the plans took on their own momentum.

We are truly happy here. My son was 3.5 when we moved, dd1 was just 1 and dd2 arrived after we came here. They were too young to have any real settling problems and ds's Cork accent is coming along nicely ...

The first year with all the 'smile glued on, please like me' work was hard enough, but children really plug you in to a community and once people see you are willing to put your skills to good use you'll get roped in to all kinds of activities.

I have made wonderful friends and we have a great quality of life. I hope it works out for you too. Good luck.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread