Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be pee'd off with DP...it's my fault really for being a stupid martyr.

22 replies

larks35 · 03/02/2010 18:42

(Warning, long and totally insignificant)
Have a 1yo DS and I get 1 full day a fortnight off work and am blooming knackered at the moment. DP, much to his horror, has no work at the mo (self-employed but no jobs on). DP is going away at weekend, so I really hoped he would get up with DS today (my blessed day off!) but no, despite me staying in bed once I heard DS wake, DP didn't move. So eventually I got up (before DS screamed the house down got upset).

Once DP finally got up, he then decided to do some decorating in front room which is great, but why wait 'til my day off to do it? Anyways, after he had done this, he makes himself lunch (not me, oh no...) and then disappears, it took me a while to realise he had gone back to bed! Leaving no bread for my sarnie and raining out so I really didn't want to take DS shopping. DS goes down for nap and I did think about going shopping but a bit worried in case DP didn't wake when DS did. About to go, then DS wakes (much earlier than usual for him), DP doesn't stir, so I get DS up and do the do.

DP finally gets up at 4.45pm, he'd had about 4 hours kip! I got up at 7am, had 1 slice of toast for brekkie (of which 1/4 was nicked by DS), no lunch and then had to go shopping for food!

I am bloody fed up with DP, but really annoyed at myself, why didn't I kick him out of bed this morning, send him to the shops later and then wake him from his marathon nap. I used to get so annoyed with my mum for being a martyr and I've realised I'm just like her! Grrrr....

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/02/2010 18:44

Yes you should have done...but that doesn't excuse him being lazy and selfish.

MrsC2010 · 03/02/2010 18:47

Ooooh I'd have had such words.

waitingforbedtime · 03/02/2010 18:48

Does he look after ds when youre working then?

Anyways, I couldnt be doing with dh going back to bed etc. I'd have woken him up and sent him out to the shops for anything I fancied essentials.

TottWriter · 03/02/2010 18:49

Agreed with ket. Yes, you're being a bit of a doormat here, but your DP is being an arse.

Still, the only way he'll change is if he realises just how much damage he's doing to you. No, it's not like he's physically hurting you, but his laziness is putting stress on you that you really don't need. The onus is on you to inform him, as he's obviously too short-sighted to see for himself.

Or is he feeling depressed because he has no work at the moment? I don't know much from what's going on, but maybe he has self-esteem issues - at the moment you're doing all the providing and perhaps he feels useless and despondent. Telling him how he can help might actually give him a mental boost as well as giving you a much needed rest.

Of course, I could also be reading too much into this (guess who has a DP with MH issues and therefore sees them everywhere...) and he really just need a kick up the bum.

Monty100 · 03/02/2010 18:54

YADNBU

Blimey, you didn't get much of a day off.

Don't think I'd be very happy with that behaviour. What's to stop him from getting off his ass and doing something? And waiting til your day off to do decortating 'oh look how bush I am'.

Hmph.

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 18:54

FUCK ME! you are joking right?

Monty100 · 03/02/2010 18:55

busy

MrsC2010 · 03/02/2010 18:56

Where is the family communication?! Neither the husband and I would dream of only making lunch for ourselves and not the other, or going back to bed without talking to the other person. Not trying to say we have the perfect relationship or anything, but that seems really odd? Or are we odd? Always a possibility!

Batteryhuman · 03/02/2010 18:57

Whats he doing going back to bed in the daytime for? Is he sick? Do other people have daytime naps (those who are up half the night with a baby excepted)?

SixtyFootDoll · 03/02/2010 19:00

What job do you do where you only get one day off a fortnight?
What about employment laws?

ShinyAndNew · 03/02/2010 19:04

When DH does this I encourage the dc to go and play loudly upstairs, prefferably in the same room as him. And I always need to go into the bedroom to get washing/take down the curtains/clean the carpet (with the very loud Vax) and it is impossible to stop the dog following me up there and bouncing all over the bed.

Dh has stopped napping during the day now. I am not sure why

CirrhosisByTheSea · 03/02/2010 19:04

I don't think you're odd MrsC. DH and I would also always make lunch for whoever is in the house - wouldn't dream of just making own lunch! and likewise wouldn't disappear off to bed without letting the other person know

Agree there is a lack of communication between you larks and definitely a lack of basic manners from your DP. Again better communication would have helped re the lie oin - these things need arranging the day before so that you can just gently kick him out of bed remind him to get up

Forester · 03/02/2010 19:08

Agree that you need to start communicating - no good for anyone to quietly fume (though very understandable in this situation).

Also echo thoughts that maybe your DP is depressed. Four hours is very long for a daytime nap.

MrsSawdust · 03/02/2010 19:18

We would never make lunch for just ourselves either, or go to bed without mentioning it. He sounds very selfish indeed. Like he's living on his own in fact. Does he think decorating the room excuses him from normal family responsibilities?

Arse.

sungirltan · 03/02/2010 19:26

blimey...dh would never get away with that yanbu at all!

i have day off issues now and then with my dh - his days off, not mine as am maternity leave atm. actually we used to argue more but theres a sort of system now. if he has 2 days off then on one of them i will arrange to go out somewhere with dd + mates/mum/whatever and leave him to his own devices. if during this day he doesn't do all his important man tasks then thats his problem as on his other day off he is my bitch!

but anyway thats my life - only thing i can suggest for op is that when the next day off is looming say to dp 'look can we make a plan for x day please? i really need to.....' and try and make him stick to it

SleepingLion · 03/02/2010 19:34

Well, his behaviour is unreasonable but like others I really don't understand why the two of you don't seem to have had a conversation at any point in the day.

I mean, when he's making lunch what's to stop you saying, 'Ooh, make me a sandwich too while you're there'? If you want a sandwich, ask for one! And if you don't want to take DS shopping, wake your DP and tell him you're off shopping so he'll need to watch DS. And so on.

I think if you and your DP could bring yourselves to talk to one another, you might be amazed at how life could improve

It does strike me that if you aren't saying anything to him but just brooding about it in silence then yes, you are being a bit of a martyr, TBH.

Original poster

larks35 · 03/02/2010 19:36

Thanks for all input. I know he was being an arse. I also know that I am letting him be one. He is now putting DS to bed and is going to cook dinner too.

He is depressed and stressed (we both are!) regarding lack of work.

DS is with CM when I'm at work, although we may have to rethink this is DP's work doesn't pick up soon.

I don't work weekends, sorry if that wasn't clear in OP, despite being part-time I only get 1 day out of 10 working days fully off and half-days get used up due to complex travel arrangements!

I completely agree that we have communication problems, that is as much (maybe more) my fault as his. The reason I posted here was to avoid a fruitless argument, of which we've had a few recently. As someone who hates confrontation, I've realised I struggle to get across my point without making a row about it

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 03/02/2010 19:41

He sounds selfish and thoughtless. My DH is no angel but he would never make himself lunch and go to bed for the afternoon.
Don't be a doormat kick him out of bed next time it's your turn for a lie-in. My DH will always wait for me to get up first but get up if I make it clear I'm not!

Have a talk. If you are both stressed about the work situation pull together. Air it so it doesn't fester away at you. Watch his sleeping, if he keeps sleeping in the day he'll get more and more depressed and less proactive in looking for a job.

SleepingLion · 03/02/2010 19:45

Was sympathising with your horrendous working hours but am now very envious of your day off as well as weekends! - I work part time and have to go into work six days a week every week. Would kill for another day off besides Sunday!

sungirltan · 03/02/2010 19:47

hey op - if it makes you feel any better my dh is self employed. he sometimes has gaps between jobs that if they last more than a few days his behaviour at ome really deteriorates and we argue like mad. now i have seen this pattern play out a few times since i have been on mat leave i try not to get stressed with him and put it down to the fact that men need to be meaninglfully occupied at all times or they become unruly - i know thats terribly patronising to men but well its true ime!

Original poster

larks35 · 03/02/2010 20:52

SleepingLion - sympathies for your crap part-time hours, I thought I'd got a bad deal when I went part-time, but you have it bad and do have my sympathy.
My gripe with DP is the fact that he's away this weekend and that today would have been my one lie in day, however I didn't make that clear to him (its pretty obvious though). I do agree that communication is our problem and I have to work out a way to do that without starting a row.
sungirltan - I agree, and in our case his gaps are becoming longer and more frequent and are a massive cause for concern. When he is working he earns far more than me, so his income in very important to us. Without it, we are really buggered

OP posts:

sungirltan · 03/02/2010 22:08

larks - i am learning that self employed = major stress! we would also be buggered if dh's work dries up big style. the rolloercoaster cash wise really gets to me sometimes and i often think i'd trade a more modest but reliable income for our current lifestyle!

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread