I need advice and have no idea who to turn to

[JoJo3574]

I need some help and not sure if this is the right place to go. My ex husband has totally disowned his daughter, but still intends on seeing his son. I feel that is unfair on my daughter as he lavishes his son with gifts purposely to upset my daughter when her brother returns home from visits. I would like to stop my son going over and feel that my ex should be trying to sort things with his daughter rather than sweep it all under the rug.

My god. what a cruel thing to do. Why on earth is he doing this to her?

How old are both children?

ditto heQuet

They had a fall out last year and he called her a liar in an argument he was having with me over their visiting arrangements. After that she started visiting less and less til he said, that if she did not start visiting again he would not but her anything for her birthday or christmas. So she resumed her visits, but since christmas her dad has made promises to her which she knows he will not keep. He has done this so frequently in the past. She has also asked for lifts to places swimming and stuff to which he agrees and lets her down last minute. In the last few weeks her opinion of her dad has deteriorated so much, that she has changed her surname (using my maiden name) on a networking site of which her dad is one of her friends. It was purely to get her dads attention. He has since used some very choice words in an email to her telling her he no longer has a daughter. She is 13 her brother is 11.
Their dad and I have been separated 7 years, he still cannot accept our divorce. His treatment of the children has become worse since he found out I am getting remarried. He has spent the last 7 years in and out lodgings despite working full time and never tried to stand on his own 2 feet.

Poor poor girl.

This is where you need to step in as a family. This is awfully abusive for both your son and your daughter. What terrible things to say to your child.

Tell you daughter and son how you feel about all these emails - threats (if you haven't done so already). Talk about it as a family, ask them how they feel. You son should know how you daughter feels. You must stay together. Tell them how sorry you feel that their dad behaves like this. Tell them he loves them but he is messed up. Also give them your permission not to see their dad. Its really hard to be so young and to have awful feelings to your parent. But he is treating them awfully. Tell them their feelings are just - his are not.

Together pen a letter telling their dad how it makes them feel.

Are your children in touch with his parents (their grandparents)? If so discuss it with them.

Do not let you husband destroy your children, which is what he is trying to do.

He is not just damaging her, he is damaging your son as well. It may be that you son gets a little older he will start this behaviour with him.

your poor daughter, you must be absolutely beside yourself.

daytoday is absolutely spot on with her advice.

This is where things become complicated both my ex husbands parents are deceased. His mum died of a heart condition when he was 16 and his father died when I was pregnant with my son. I have no contact with any of his family my children never get xmas or birthday cards.

My daughter I feel is old enough and sensible enough to make her own decisions re her father, but with my son things are not so straight forward as he is autistic and does not understand what his father is doing. He also clings to the regularity of the visits which is all of 7 hours per week, never over night.

I fear that a letter would just be tossed into the bin, probably without even being read. When I look at the behaviour of my ex I am convinced there is an underlying condition that has gone undiagnosed. I am convinced having seen the symptoms my son has displayed that my ex is also austistic.

The irony being he believes he is a good dad and doing nothing wrong. Only ever once been to a school play, never attened parents evening, does not know what meds his son takes or the side affects. I'm totally at my wits end, contemplated getting it done legally but the cost is the problem as I work full time and cannot claim assistance.

i wouldn't want a person who manipulated the feelings of a child to be around my child

i would care if it was jesus H Christ himself.

the man needs to sort his shit out - go to some parenting classes - get some councelling or just fuck right off.

You're not my sister are you?! Almost exactly the same circs - I feel so sorry for my niece as she has to shoulder all the worry alone (nephew is also autistic).

I don't know what to suggest, other than telling her she doesn't have to visit any more.

If your son enjoys his visits then I wouldn't stop him going.

As for your daughter, some fairly grown-up conversations are needed. She needs to understand that he is a selfish, nasty, useless, waste of oxygen less than balanced man. That it is not about her, it's not anything she has done. Make the time when your son is with his Dad special for you & her. Is she close to your Dad (an Uncle, male family friend etc) because it is really valuable for young girls to have a good bond with a 'father figure' - but clearly not this wanker, her father.

I am really sorry for you and both your children x

I'm happy with the fact she doesn't want to visit anymore, now my goal is to protect my son. So that in a few years when he starts to become more independant. So that he will not have to suffer the backlash from his father, when that time comes.

I am very lucky so is my daughter as I have a new partner, he is fantastic with both my children. Strict but fair when needed, there when they need lifts, goes to medical apps when my son has to visit CAMHS, parents evening, plays, helps with homework and everything a father should be doing.
Also "chipping in" sadly my father is no longer with us he passed away when my daughter was only 2 weeks old. So my kids only have 1 surviving grandparent (my mum). Her step grandparents are great but they do not live in the uk so they don't get much chance to see them. I just want my kids to stop contact with their father without being the one respnosible for doing so.