To think my aunt should care a little bit more for her older sister, rather than spending time as an ostritch?

[2010aQuintessentialOdyssey]

I am putting this in aibu as I want some honest opinions.
I think my aunts should help me out a little bit more with my mum. As it is, I feel they just dont care, aside from dropping in for coffee now and then.

She is their sister! She is ill! And I am struggling with both her and my father.

In this country, it is the patient who has to approach the doctor and raise concerns about his/her own dementia. That is the only way to get a diagnosis and help. I cant do it. Or I can, it will be put on file, but the doctor cant refer her to the hospital for asessment unless she herself asks for it. She never will, she does not see that she has a problem, because she forgets that she muddles up, and she forgets that she has ever known how to operate the microwave, etc.

I just want them to try and help me find a way, rather than just sticking the head in teh sand, along with me father.

It is me, my mum, and a whole bunch of ostriches.

what do they say/do when you ask for their help?

YANBU. Maybe they're ignoring it because they're scared it'll happen to them too. That's not an excuse or a good reason BTW, just me wondering out loud.

Has the doctor told you that that is the only way she can get help? Sounds very odd. Could you see another doctor, or go with you mum to help her remember what the problem is.

How much is she capable of doing? If she's still ok some of the time, think about arranging an Enduring Power of Attorney. If she can no longer make rational decision for herself, it may be time for you and your father to apply to be appointed as her Deputies via the Court of Protection - you may find that the doctors will take more notice of you then too, if you have something "official" on your side.

It is usually, "mmmm let me think and get back to you".

I have not been running down their doorstep asking for help. I have just rang one of them once, and the other one twice. Not asking for help as such, but outlining the situation asking for their advice or input.

The way I see it, she is their sister, they should also show some responsibility. At the moment, I am alone with this situation.

I should add, my mum is 75, her older sister is 78 and in great shape, she lives 5 minutes walk from my mum. As she is a widow, and with grown up children, she has plenty of time, and is doing voluntary work in a clothes shop as she is bored. Her younger sister is 58, and also in good health, also with grown up children.

Whereas I have a job, a husband and two young children, and now also sick and elderly parents. I dont know what to do, all of a sudden.

We had same prob with my Grandmother and it nearly drove some of us to breaking pt [I came in one day to find her lighting a fire on the dining room floor] In the end we got the GP to refer her for a geriatric assesment which identified the issues and got us a lot of in homecare and now a full time bed in a nursing home, is a district nurse/ care team involved? Good luck with it all I hope ye get the help ye need.

I have just been through this (well, am going through this) with my best friend & her Mum. You can get a geriatric assessment done without her asking & even without her knowing what they are doing (in advance anyway - friends Mum cottoned on quickly once he started asking the questions). If you do get this done though, make sure they talk to her for a while after as well though, my friends Mum didn't do too badly on the set questions, but after when the Dr was talking to her (just general chit chat) he was able to see that, in fact, her dementia is very advanced. It's godawful to go through isn't it x

YANBU - your Aunts should be doing everything they are able to, to help her & you.

I think you should ask them to do specific things for you. Perhaphs (being the older generation and prone to being a bit proper/different) they don't want to interfere....?? If not and they are just lazy/distant/unhelpful if you ask them to do something specific they'd have to be pretty hard to say 'no' wouldn't they? Mind you, if they do, you can stop wishing they'd offer and just get on with it, knowing they are as much use as a chocolate tea pot.

Of course, would be nice if they just 'did' stuff or offered their help!

Chippingin you reminded me we gave the Dr who was assessing her a list of her day to day requirements ie she needs to get up, feed herself ans ph secure doors at night prepare meals, we also listed the strange things she did lighting fires on the floor, dressing herself and forgetting to tie buttons etc so he was aware of our concerns also see if the geriatric assessment can be done in the home as this will assess physical and mental capabilities,

YANBU. Can you call them or go and visit and explicitly say that there is a problem and to talk to your mum. She might take it better from them than from you?

But I agree, you shouldn't have to do it at all.

Chipping/Buzzy - QUint is not in the UK so different helathcare system, which sounds bizarre to me, but...

Essenceofjack, my grandmother lives in Irl where I was at the time, we are doing the same here in UK with DP Grandmother now Hopefully at some stage Dr's willl listen to familys of patients as they are dealing with the issues that the elderly person is living with Hopefully some one will realise that the elderly can have care and help without casting them aside, I really do not want to grow old either in the UK or Irl

Most GPs assess patients with dementia at the request of their families. Usually families find some excuse to the relative with dementia for taking them to the doctor. If in the UK your post re GPs is wrong. I would write a letter to the GP or make an appointment to see them about your mum and then take her down to another appointment after you have communicated with the GP for the GP to assess her and refer her to psychogeriatrician if necessary. I presume your father has dementia or severe problems as well because he doesn't seem very involved.
If your mum doesn't want help she does have to be quite incapacitated before any help can be given without her permission.
I think expecting alot of help from a 78 year old is a bit unrealistic.
You could contact social services re home helps etc, but if your dad is mentally cpable he would have to agree with this and persuade your mum to have the help.
You just help as much as you have time for. Sometimes relatives withdrawing help a bit makes social services act quicker.
The main person you need to convince here is your dad though. Why are you wanting older sisters to help but not your dad?

TBH, if someone has a family(husband & children) then unless asked for help, I think that they would consider it the responsibility of the family.

I love my sister but wouldn´t think it up to me to make decisions about her health.

I have not asked for any physical help. The only thing I need is somebody to try help convinging my mum that the changes I am trying to instigate are good ideas.

For example:
I want the local grocery shop to deliver them groceries. At the moment, I am dragging two kids to the supermarket after work and our own dinner, to shop for my parents weekly. It is a nightmare. (No online shopping here)
I am suggesting that I email an order to their local shop, and this is delivered to their door. My parents refuse because it cost a little more, and they have a more limited selection than the supermarket.

Result: I am telling them in that case I wont be doing their weekly shop, but I am happy to pick up a few heavy pieces myself and bring when I come to visit.

I want my parents to accept meals on wheels twice a week (to start with) to ensure that they get a balanced healthy meal (especially important as my mum is no longer able to plan meals, cant manage to get the shopping done. But with meals on wheels, so does no longer have to make dinners. SHE says she is fine to do dinner. My father says they eat porridge, pancakes, sandwichs, waffles, etc. for dinner. My parents refuse meals on wheels. My mum because she thinks she cooks, my father because he does not want to upset my mum.

I dont need practical help, just help with suggesting solutions which are workable. Help with persuading my parents that these are good ideas.

Because frankly, I have a hard time running errands after work, as my husband works long hours, and the kids have activities, and I have my own shopping and my own house to run/clean/keep tidy, etc and I am knackered.

My father is paralyzed and in a wheelchair after a stroke. This is why he is very uninvolved.

2rebecca. My dad does not want to upset my mum.

I have written to the family GP, and followed up with a phone call. I have spoken to the manager of the home nursing centre (they are in place of social services, as we dont have such a thing for the elderly here) about my mum. My dad is their registered patient, as they get him out of bed 6 mornings per week. I have spoken to the Dementia association, and the message is the same, it is the patient herself who has to talk to the doctor, or ask for an assessment.

My last best hope is that her sisters start talking to her also, so that I get help in maybe getting her to acknowledge that they need help. Because I cant do it all on my own.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but sometimes with old people (even ones without dementia) you just have to tell them that THIS is what is going to happen (re shopping, having a cleaner, carer, meals on wheels etc). It's all well and good them being stubborn but not if it is running you ragged.

I would find a more sympathetic GP who is prepared to accept you accompanying your mother and asking for an assessment as her asking for one. This must happen; otherwise I cannot see how all these dementia patients end up in care homes.

Quint - sorry, I assumed you were in the UK (maybe we could all have a little flag after our names ). Sorry to hear your 'health care system' is different, it sounds like a nightmare. There must be some way of getting her assessed without her asking? Maybe ask around for a 'tame' GP?

ArcticFox - no flaming here! When parents get ill/demetia etc you do need to reverse roles and do things 'for their own good'. Sometimes it's dificult though if you need them to pay for it themselves and they don't want it done. Quint, could you pay for the delivery and then maybe, less often, pick up some of the things that the shop don't stock/wont deliver?

Do you have to pay for meals on wheels?

There is another service in the UK where they deliver high quality frozen meals weekly - do you have anything like that?? (Where are you?)