to think that witholding sex etc is not always abuse?

[MrsMontague]

Right, sorry if this comes out a bit jumbled.

I posted on here at weekend about how I'd broken my ribs, DH treated me quite badly, didn't get the help I needed etc.

So reasonably so I have been angry with him about it, things are ok now but for a couple of days I didn't want to kiss him or cuddle...I just felt in pain, annoyed and not really in an affectionate mood towards him.

In the past, when he lied to me about meeting up with his ExGf it took me quite a while before wanting to have sex with him again...but this was a reaction to what he had done, I was upset. I didn't want to sleep with him, and I shouted and cried.

But then on MN recently I have seen a lot of threads about emotional abuse and people saying that witholding sex, shouting etc is abusive. And I completely understand how that would be abusive if it was unprovoked, or over something stupid like forgetting milk on the way home! But if I'm upset about something genuine, surely it can't be abuse to get cross and not want to sleep with him?

I've just been worrying since reading those things that by being shouty and not wanting to sleep with him, this is emotional abuse. But I can't see how I would be expected to be happy and chatty and kissy even when I'm very upset? As surely that is a destructive thing too??

Ahh bit of a jumbled rant here, I hope somebody can understand what I'm saying. Basically, if you are upset for a genuine valuable reason like the afore mentioned, it is ok not to want to have sex, kiss, be affectionate etc?

Er, I don't think you're abusing your DH. If you don't want to have sex then you don't want to have sex. You're not "witholding" it to prove a point or gain control of him (at least not from what you've said).

I think you are justifiably upset and reacting accordingly. IMO you are having what a therapist would call "an appropriate reaction".

You're in pain, woman, be kind to yourself. I've got cracked ribs too and I don't bloody want sex either!

Oh, good! No of course it's not because I'm trying to control him, it's just because he's pissed me off! I am probably overthinking everything too much, I have a habit of doing that! Oh it's horrible isn't it, feel better soon!

Hi mrs m

i wouldnt worry about it. i think its perfectly normal to have times when we're 'up for it' and times when we feel grumpy, tired, fed up, anoyed etc or just plain not in the mood.
I'm sure i wouldnt be in the mood if i'd just broken my ribs!

i dont think it's at all healthy to have sex with someone if you are feeling unhappy with them and are only having sex to placate them.

how did you break your ribs!?

Witholding is very different to not wanting. WHen you withhold you make a descision to try to punish or hurt someone through your actions. Most of us have done this at some point for a night or two and that is just part of life, it is likely we have had it done to us too. However prolonged periods of "punishment" or cycles can start ot become abuse. What you describe does not sound like abuse to me - of course I am no expert and this is just your side of things, how do you think your DH would describe the situations you have listed above?

Thanks Bella, I thought it was a normal reaction but I have a tendency to read things, overthink and worry! I fell down the stairs, very painful!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/903950-to-feel-tired-in-pain-and-very-bloody-unapprecia ted-Long

That's the link to my original post, why I was upset, didn't feel like kissing etc. Everythings ok now though, I can never stay cross!

Lol, I think that is a habit we are born with along with the promise of periods and menopause!

Saying no to sex is never abusive. End of story. No ifs or buts. If I choose not to have sex, someone might be disappointed and might choose to change how they relate to me, but I haven't abused them at all - not emotionally, physically, financially or in any other way.

Karen, with all due respect, that is a ridiculous statement!

Yes you have a right to say no to sex, of course. However excercising your right with the express purpose of making someone feel bad is abusive, it is well recognised and well documented as a part of an abusive relationship.