To be sick people criticising my lifestyle choices?

[AKMD]

So, I am in my early twenties, went to university, got married, am 35 weeks with DC1, have a great job and just bought my first house with DH. Why is that so offensive to some people?! I am so sick of justifying my decision to not spend 'the best part of my life' partying, getting drunk, sleeping around and buying the latest handbag to random eople who think I have no life. I do have a life, it's just not the exact carbon copy of what everyone else is doing. Ad heaven forbid that I should voice my opinion that the reason that their life sucks and they have so many problems is because they refuse to take any responsibility for themselves because then I'm a snob ARGGGHHHHH

yanbu - BUT....don't judge their lifestyle choices if you don't like it. Theres nothing wrong with settling down early if thats what you want....but theres nothing wrong with living it up whilst you are young either!

Thanks, KERALA...I don't like the assumption that partying is the only to do in your 20's if you don't want to get married and have babies.
I suppose it's the opposite of what the OP was saying...I think we all have to just appreciate the differences in each other, no matter what lifestyle we've chosen. What works for some, doesn't work for others.

YANBU.

I think your early 20's is a great time to start a family. I remember thinking that when I had just left uni, but things simply weren't right for me to do it at that time.

Ignore the comments. You are doing what suits you and your family and I don't think that means you're missing out at all.

As others have said it might not necessarily be criticism, just possibly surprise.

My best friend from university married her boyfriend the year after we left uni (aged 22) and had had 4 children by the time she was 29. It's fair to say that at the time I was very surprised by her choices, we had studied so hard and come so far and suddenly her career plans were completely out of the window. As it turned out she was and is blissfully happy, which is perfect, but still, she never did get around to pursuing the career she had dreamed of - but then who cares as I said she is blissfully happy so those old dreams are irrelevant I suppose.

I was also together with my DH at 22 (although we didn't marry until some years later), but I suppose I followed the more usual pattern in that I pursued the career path and luckily was very successful, traveled the world etc etc before having DCs when aged 32, 34 and 36. In retrospect though were my choices were better? I'm not sure that my career made me happy exactly, it was a LOT of stress etc and I was glad to give it all up just before I had DC3, but for me it was the right choice I am VERY proud of what I did and happy I had all the experiences that went with it.

In the end we pretty much ended up in the same place - lots of children, stay at home mothers, very happy!

You are happy, that is the main thing, try not to let other people bother you - you will meet lots of lovely new 'Mum' friends. With your old friends - well they won't understand babies etc, try not to hold it against them. I certainly didn't get babies at all at that age, I remember visiting my friend when her DD1 was a couple of weeks old. My Mum had told me that the one thing I must do was to ask her if she wanted to have a rest, so I did, she jumped at the opportunity and went to bed leaving me (who had never before even seen a new born baby) holding this little sleeping bundle and scared even to move and reach out for the TV controller in case she woke! It was a shock! Our lives undoubtably did diverge, after but we managed to remain good friends. Try to keep in touch with those friends that you care about, but on a different level, possibly as a much needed escape from all things domestic once in a while, and secretly look forward to the frisson of schedenfreude when they finally catch up with you and have children of their own.

well i am 33 with a 15yo ds and a dd who is nearly 9.. you do the maths

i am happily married, settled in a good job and not at all envious of friends of my age who have toddlers/babies in tow..

i think it all evens out in the end, what is right for one person is wrong for someone else

soon the questions regarding your life choices will pale into insignificance in comparison to the way virtually every women on the planet feels it is their right to judge/comment on your parenting style

AKMD i think you have made some brilliant life choices that will serve you well if i have had the courage and insight to have made similar decisions i know that my life now would have been soooo different!
it sounds like you are bearing the brunt of a bit of jealousy, ignore it.
also bear mind that when you embark on parenting everyone has an opinion on everything you do or don't do. it's fecking irritating, but the trick is to ignore it. make it clear that you're happy with your decisions and the implications of your decsions about your life are not up for discussion.
Berti and Ant - me too! i was 19 when i had dc, and found that although my parenting styles were similar to parents who were alot older than me we didn't have alot in common, yet mothers around the same age as me were more often than not a social compromise and a half!

Another one here. I married Dh at 23 straight out of uni and got pregnant straight away. A lot of my friends thought I was crazy settling down to married bliss at 23!!

I am now 35, I have my two DDs who are 8 and 10 and am still in married Bliss with DH. Most of my friends have toddlers or are struggling with the baby years. I on the other hand am enjoying fab holidays with the girls and Dh and loving the freedom I have as they get older. I will be a younger mum at the parents evenings when DD1 starts Senior school in Sept.!

Some of the mums at school are in their late 40s and I would not trade places for anything.

The main thing is that you are happy with your decision. You will be able to sit back and enjoy life while they are still arguing with teenagers!!

wait till you're kids are old enough to give you more freedom, and you watch your mates go through the whole early baby thing .......with a knowing smile no doubt they'll fnd annoying. evn more so as they struggle to buy houses & advance their careers later in life....

most of my mates are still in the 'extended childhood' phase still...at 30 ish.

I met dh at 17 and my next birthday will mean I ahve spent half of my life with him wait til you' ve had the baby, then it'll all be you doing this and that cause of your age!

I know what you mean.

I have been with DH since I was 17 and I am now 38. When people know this their first questions tends to be 'Have you ever split up or cheated?'

Nice. Like you HAVE TO have slept about or cheated to be normal.

Also my brother who is 40 has always made jibes about this, being married and having kids etc.

He thinks that his lifestyle is the best, and everyone else's is miserable.

TBH, I find the OP and a lot of responses on here just a little bit smug, no? I am sensing quite a lot of self congratulation at people's happily married lives with 2.4 kids from a young age and thank God they didn't have to do the meat market and how wasteful and shallow it is to spend your 20s getting pissed and having one night stands and really anyone who does that must be so jealous of anyone that settled down immediately after leaving school/university.

You say that people are judging you but you are equally judging people who chose not to settle down at an early age.

i had first child at 27, so not exactly an ancient mum, but actually I envy you young ones. if I had my time again, think I would have had children younger - more energy, enthusiasm, imagination.
Plenty of time later to study, retrain, etc with the benefit of maturity and flexibility and some life skills when you do go out to work.
Good on you all!

I say that as someone who had kids in her 30s and while I didn't float through my 20s permanently pissed - let's just say i enjoyed the odd drink and travelled quite extensively.

If I really wanted to play devil's advocate here, I could argue that all the married men and women that i know who settled down in the early 20s are all chafing at the bit to get back out on the razz once they hit their 40s in a desperate and rather pititful attempt to regain their lost youth and make up for the fun they apparently missed out on.

Antdamn

I had ds1 at 25, I was probably the last of my socialgroup to have or be trying for a child (two friends tooklonger as they needed help to conceive).

Only 10 years ago yet things ahve changed so much, 25 isn't young, and the right age is when you areready.

I had my last child at 34 and find that parenthood differs as you age and I enjoyed both differently.

Don'tlet other people try tolive your life. DH works with many people in their late teens,and we arewellawarethat all the constant drama in their lives- this girlfriend,that date, those missed calls.... is an attempt to try and get what we already have. I don'tlook at them with jealousy, but sympathy becuase my rose tinteds are firmly off!

YANBU

I'll be 27 in a few weeks. I met DH when I was nearly 19 and we got married 2 years ago. We conceived DS straight away and I had him when I was 25 and we are currently TTC our second child. We bought our house last year and I decided to be a SAHM.

I think this is a great time to be having a family. I'm studying at home while I look after my children and by the time I'm 35, they will all be at school and the rest of my life is my own to concentrate on my own wants and needs (assuming nothing untoward happens!).

Don't listen to anyone. If you're happy, that's all that matters.

Tryharder - that is exactly what I'm talking about. When people ask me about my life and I tell them what I said in my first post, they automatically seem to get on the defensive and think that I am smug, think my life is perfect and look down on them for not being the same. It's really sad. I did do partying etc. in my late but TBH find some people's constant Facebook updates on 'how pissed I got last night' a bit boring. Why can't they have fun without being off their faces?

To answer an earlier poster's question - I'm in a big town in the London commuter belt. It doesn't have the best reputation but there is a good mix of people from just about everywhere.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement, I will try not to get irritated by the next person who says, "You're a bit young aren't you?"

I'm 30 and left home at 17, did my degree, then did a masters. 'Yeah but you're not married' said my friend who quit school at 16 to marry her boyfriend. I married DH when she had her first child. Then I got my PhD. 'Yeah but you don't have a baby'...

The way I see it, we both have the lives we want. She is exceptionally difficult to deal with, it's always one-up.

I was 24 when had dd1, 25 with dd2 this was after I'd been to uni - fell pregnant straight after graduation.
Had ds when I was 31 and when I do the sums how old I'll be when he becomes a teenager I get a bit worried!!

When I'm 44 girls will be 20 and 19 but ds will still only be 13, I do wish I'd have had him a bit earlier so I would be younger but can't change that now!!

And I'm also doing another degree because when he starts school I'd have been out of the work place for well over 10 years.

sophieandbelly yes you can still be early twenties

For posters worrying about being 'old' when their DC are in their late teens - my mum was 30 when she had me and we get on fantastically. She is also far more energetic than I am - kayakng, hiking, biking holidays - so no worries there!

AKMD, I hear what you are saying but TBH, you did sound a little bit smug in your opening post - and quite a lot of responses you have had are along the lines of: oh people must be jealous because you have such a perfect life, and how sad people who are single are.

Presumably you have read Bridget Jones - a lot of people on here came across like the Smug Marrieds Helen Fielding writes about, looking down their noses at and pitying the "singletons".

And FWIW, I don't judge you at all. You and indeed anyone on here is entitled to live exactly how they want but I think you are seeing criticism in people's reactions when none is made. Why would people criticise you, when after all, by your own admission, you are well educated, have a great job, your own house, happily married etc etc. You don't actually come out and say that you have a perfect life but you imply it in everything you have told us!

This reminds me a bit of all the threads about women who are a size 8 and moan on about how rubbish it is to be so slim as people keep telling them they are too thin and things like that.

Tryharder, you have made me smile even thinking about Bridget Jones - saw the 2nd one on TV a few weeks ago for the umpteenth time and still cackled at the fight scene! I haven't read the book though...

Back on topic... fair enough. I think it's a shame that people presume that I'm judging them. I know lots of single people who are perfectly happy and who do make me extremely jealous, usually as they post pictures of themselves in amazing places around the world, but I also know quite a few who constantly moan about not having a steady boyfriend/always broke/can't find a decent job who really only have themselves to blame. I also know married couples who are in the same situation and constantly moan about it too, it just depends on the individuals concerned.

Keep your eye on the long view which is that by my age (42) you'll have no ties and probably will have paid off the mortgage. I have a 7 year old and a 20 yr mortgage still to run, so lots of ties for me.

I wasn't ready to have kids before I did so I certainly don't regret my choices

But your choices have loads of positives attached, just remember that and smile smugly sweetly when people say how young you are.

tryharder, i see what you mean as i do get that vibe from some people (regardless of their age) but i see what the op means about having to justify yourself all the time. If you deviate from the blueprint even a tiny bit, you see how surprisingly conventional society is. You must do x,y and z. All of it, but in THIS order, and not too young, and not too old.